Child tip toes across the bedroom. He's starving. He hasn't eaten in days. He just wants some food from the fridge. His father lies asleep in the bed, alone. Maybe he's divorced or something, who knows? The starving child passes by quietly for he knows he cannot wake his father or he'll get sent back to bed without any food. His father is a psycho-maniac or something. Explains the divorce. As the child moves by the bed he accidently steps on the squeaky toy of his seemingly well fed dog. The child shakes with fear as he watches his father stir awake...

Daddy: What the hell is that?

Child: It's me daddy, I'm hungry. I just wanted to get some food.

Daddy: Food? Why the hell would you need food? Now go back to bed and quit bugging me you sack of shit.

Child: But, but, but...

Daddy: I said beat it, now!

The child, dejected, turns around and heads back to his room. As he's walking he notices his father has fallen back asleep. Pretty fast actually. Probably a sleeping disorder. Child's stomach grumbles. He just has to get some food. If he can just get past him this time without making any noise... He knows he can do it. He moves back towards the bed to get to the oddly misplaced kitchen. Someone should revoke that architect's license. He takes caution to avoid the squeaky toy but as he steps over it he fails to see the second squeaky toy on the floor. Lots of dog toys in this bedroom. Again he watches as his father rises....

Daddy: I thought I told you to get to bed.

Child: You did daddy, but I am so hungry, I just need to get some food.

Daddy: Food, huh? You think I care? That's it. I've tried being nice. I told you to go to bed with no punishment and you don't listen. What am I supposed to do now? What do you want me to do?

Child: Well, maybe you could let me get some food....

Daddy: Smart alec, huh? No food for a day.

Child: Daddy, you can't...

Daddy: Now it's two days shitbird. Do you have anymore problems?

The child says nothing as he walks back to his room. When he returns he picks up the phone. We can't hear the conversation.

Next Morning - 7:30 am

The doorbell rings. Daddy answers the door. It's the police. Pretty obvious I'd say. As he screams and fights, the cops arrest him and throw him in the squad car. An officer approaches the child...

Policeman: There kid. Now you're daddy can't hurt you any longer. 

Child: Jeez, thanks mister policeman. But what's going to happen to me now?

Policeman: Well kid, you're going to go to a beautiful new house with nurturing and loving parents.

Child: Wow, thank you so much.

Policeman: It's no problem, it's just my job. Now go get your stuff. You're about to make a big change.

Tomorrow night - 11:30 pm - Foster Home

Child wakes up with hunger pangs. He walks into his new father's bedroom to get to the kitchen. Same shitty architect I guess.  His father wakes up...

Child: Daddy, I'm hungry, can you help me get some food?

Daddy: Kid, you better get to bed right now or I am going to beat the shit out of you. If you thought your last father was bad, ooh boy, you've got another thing coming. 

Inanimate Object: Hello, I am speaking to you.

Person: This is odd.

Inanimate Object: Yes, it is odd. I commonly do not have the power of speech, but now I do. Quite ironic.

Person: Actually, I'm pretty sure that's not what ironic means.

Inanimate Object: Do you doubt me? I cannot talk, yet here I am talking. Is that not enough for you?

Person: I don't know what to tell you. It's surprising and just a little unnatural, but still not ironic.

Inanimate Object: Never mind these mere trivialities! Do you not at least find this to be funny?

Person: Well, not really, no.

Inanimate Object: Not funny? I, an inanimate object with no method of speech, am clearly speaking to you, and you do not find it funny?

Person: I don't know, it's really just not that funny.

Inanimate Object: How could you say that!? This is on College Humor, is it not?

Person: Why is that exactly?

Inanimate Object: BECAUSE I CANNOT SPEAK! BUT HERE I AM SPEAKING! HUMOR ABOUNDS!

Person: Yeah... since you're screaming and all, I'm just going to go now.

Inanimate Object: NO, DON'T LEAVE! SCREAMING IS FUNNY YOU FOOL! DON'T YOU NOW THAT? I AM BEING FUNNY!

The "Sex Dialogue"

Boy: I think we should have sex.

Girl: O.K.

Boy: Are we doing it yet?

Girl: Well, seeing as how we're both still wearing our clothes, I'd say no.

Boy: Oh yeah, that makes sense. What about now? Are we doing it know?

Girl: No, I think that's just you jerking off in the corner to old episodes of "The Nanny." Plus, I am still wearing all my clothes.

Boy: Shit. I thought something was wrong. Um, do you want to take them off?

Girl: Uh, not anymore. Actually, I think I am just going to leave.

Boy: Damn it! Who would've thought that having sex would be so unbelievably difficult!?

The "Children Dialogue"

Child #1: We are both children.

Child #2: Indeed.

Child #1: We are often playing with toys and watching cartoons.

Child #2: Most often, yes.

Child #1: But not now.

Child #2: We aren't?

Child #1: No. We are obviously doing something adult, and possibly dirty.

Child #2: We are?

Child #1: Yes.

Child #2: Why?

Child #1: Because it's funny that way.

Child #2: Oh. Are you sure?

Child #3: Hey guys! I just screwed some chick in a SpongeBob outfit. It was insane. She wanted me to call her Squidward but I was all like hell no, I ain't doing that shit, cause I'm not that kind of guy. But then she was like I'll let you go backdoor and, you know me, I'm not the kind of 1st grader that just passes up on such a great opportunity so like whatever, I called her Squidward. It was pretty crazy if you know what I mean, but let's just keep this between us guys, ok?

Child #1: See.

The "Animal Dialogue"

Animal: I am an animal.

Person: Wait. Isn't this just the same thing as the first one?

Animal: Pretty much.

Person: Well, can we stop then?

Animal: Yeah, I guess so.

Person: Good. See ya later.

Animal: Sheesh, what an asshole.