University of Minnesota

A Day in the Life of an Unemployed Recent College Graduate

  9:45 AM: He wakes up, rolls over, and checks the time. He really should get up so he can get an early jump on job applications. On the other hand, some more sleep sounds really nice...11:37 AM: Zzzzzzzzzz....12:59 PM: Time to get up. He...

A Summary of Every 2009 Fantasy Football Draft

 Pre Draft                                      &...

Anything and Everything You Need to Know About Super Bowl XLIII

With another Super Bowl just around the corner, it is time for someone to do a full-fleged preview. Considering the fact that I can name all of the Super Bowl champions from 1990 on, in order (I wonder why I'm single?); I believe I am the man for...

Teacher's Pet...

Principal Decker: Come in Jimmy, take a seat. I think we both know why you're down here. Do you want to tell me your side of the story?Jimmy: Fidgets and sits down, I'm sorry sir I didn't realize it would be such a big deal.Principal Decker:...

Writing a Ten Page Paper in One Day: The Process

1:00 pm: Ok let's get started on this paper. You put it off for a long time and now you're paying for it. Shouldn't be too difficult though, a little research, a little type-type. You'll be done in no time.1:20 pm: FUCK THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE! WHAT...

Things I Have Always Wondered About Fruit, But Have Never Found Answers To

1. If a tomato is a fruit, why does it not taste like one?2. Why is the word fruit used to call someone gay?3. How do worms get all the way up a tree and into an apple?4. How does one properly describe the taste of apples?5. If my mom loves me,...

Top Ten Reasons Why Going Away to College is like Going to a Hooker

10. At first, it may seem a little awkward and a bit unsettling.9. You are without a doubt not the first person to be doing this.8. As long as you pay them, you can come and go as you please.7. It seems like a good idea at the time, but you may...

Dear Jose Cuervo

Hola Jose! Before I begin, I would just like to express my complete and faithful adoration towards you. Whether I'm at a bar or hosting a social event, you always come through for me in a pinch. Do you remember that one time i drank a bottle of...

Roomatinations: Typical Conversations with my Roommate

The People You'll Meet on Your Floor

As colleges are reopening their doors across the country, freshmen are moving into the dorms for the first time, eager to meet new friends and to try new things like getting laid. However, the first thing that most freshmen do is meet the people...

Im sorry, but its over

Dear high gravity beer Steel Reserve,I want to start this letter by saying I did enjoy your company when we hungout. I know you mean well and you can be a lot of fun. I know there are a lotof guys out there that are capable of loving you. You've...

An Open Poem to the Stupid Girl in My Lit Class

She sat alone with people around herSpewing filth as as she spokeListening to this girl was driving me MaD!She had to have known she was a jokeSo as she babbled with her mouth hung lowand her jelly doughnut sides jiggling with pure delightI looked...

Beating Off For Science

I recently signed up to be a part of a dietary study where they pay me money to aid science research. Somehow, being in college has made me very poor, and buying beer has begun to necessitate some rather odd prospects. For the study, I have to...

Freshman Reflection: Classes

This is why you’re here people, so be ready to buckle down. I assume that you already bought the $180 book on the syllabus. It’s absolutely essential that you do the reading and make it to class. I’ll be taking attendance...

Santa and Rudolph on a Friday Night...

Santa: Yo! Rudolph! Whazzzzzzzzzzzzup?!Rudolph: not too much...just drinking an egg nog...AND IT'S SPIKED AS SHITSanta: So we still going to the club tonight to pick up some Ho Ho Ho's?! Rudolph: Hells yeah son! After a couple drinks she'll be...

Freshman Reflection: Girls

As finals approach, lots of college students are taking this last opportunity to enjoy life before cramming to reflect and recap everything great about college. The nostalgia hits like that eighth shot of tequila, and we remember the best of...

An Open Letter to the Cross-Carrying Party-Poopers on Frat Row

There are minority groups at every college. Whether it’s the finger-painting club or the Albino Association of America (AAA insurance’s illegitimate stepchild), everyone has his or her own thing. The majority of these clubs do what...

My Daily Planner

Parents Just Don't Understand

Society dictates we go to college to learn But dissenting stoners go to college to burn. The realistic ones do their reading and think About all the alcoholics that came to drink. The guys may think all the girls came to screw But unfortunately...

An Open Letter To My Philosophy T.A.

Dear T.A. Greg,We recently received our first papers back, and I would like to personally thank you for being an incompetent jackass. A C-minus? Are you kidding me? I’m on an academic scholarship, and I haven’t gotten a C on anything...