CollegeHumor: University of Oregon Articles http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764633 Human DeEvolution: Top 5 TV shows Fri, 07 Nov 2008 23:26:23 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764633 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Is TV stupid because we're stupid? Or are we stupid because TV is stupid? We may never know (because of the whole being stupid thing), but here are the top 5 shows that prove man is definitely DeEvolving:
May God help us all...find our remotes.

5. Time Warp/Destroyed in Seconds/ Smash Lab (Discovery channel) - I don't know how, but the Discovery Channel seems to have found a television loop hole by taking the same concept and making 3 shows out of it. You literally shut your brain off and stare at the tv mumbling, "Oh that was cool....Wow did you see that thing blow up?...Whoa look at that thing blow up....Jeez, that thing sure did blow up...." What the hell, Discovery, I use to hate you because you made me smarter, now I just hate you. 


4. Hole in the Wall (FOX) - This show--with an absolutely capitivating title--was based on the Japanese TV show Human Tetris, which became popular via YouTube. It's hard to explain without seeing it, but basically a wall with funny shapes cut out of it moves towards a couple people and they have to make it through the cut-outs or they will be pushed into water. So not only did Fox rip off another TV show, they ripped of a completly f*cking retarded TV show. From Japan. Apparently we've gotten so dumb, we can't even think up our own dumb stuff anymore. 

3. Human Wrecking Ball (G4) - This show features two meatheads breaking stuff. Need I say more?

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1807323"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/2/2/collegehumor.ea332f8249a0462646803772b8efffd3.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1807323">Bryson</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1192"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1721957 My Old AIM Profile Tries to Cheer Me Up Mon, 05 Mar 2007 15:39:06 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1721957 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> BlaZerBoY2k:  a/s/l?


Me:  c’mon, seriously?


BlaZerBoY2k:  jk, I know who you are lol


BlaZerBoY2k:  sup


Me:  I’m kinda pissed actually.  Someone rear-ended my car the other day.


BlaZerBoY2k:  tht sux :( hey, have you seen that new vid on ebaumsworld with the lady stomping grapes? I’ve got the link..


Me: yeah I have, it’s pretty funny


Me:so now I’ve gotta file a claim and go through all this bs with the insurance co.


BlaZerBoY2k:  buck up, I got something that will change your luck


Me:what?


BlaZerBoY2k:  its just this little message, send it to 5 ppl


Me:oh I hate those things


BlaZerBoY2k:  if you break the chain you’ll die alone. It’s proven science, you can’t take that risk..


BlaZerBoY2k:  so wat happened w/ that girl you liked?


Me:we went out a couple times but apparently she has bf or something now, fucking weak


Me:it sucks cuz she was real cool, we had fun together


BlaZerBoY2k:  Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.


BlaZerBoY2k:  that’s what I always say


Me:don’t give me that crap


BlaZerBoY2k:well I’ve got this love test you can take, it’ll predict your love life


Me:I’m not falling for that one again


BlaZerBoY2k:  there are other fish in the sea, a great guy.  Just remember, you’re unique.  Just like everyone else ;)


Me:omg, plz stop.


BlaZerBoY2k:  you’ll find a great girl.  To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.


Me:how original.


BlaZerBoY2k:  I can get 60 miles to the gallon on this hog.


Me:?????


BlaZerBoY2k:  just one of the best lines from my favorite movie, duh


Me:I gtg, ttyl


BlaZerBoY2k:  k, late


 


 

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:74693"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/f/9/collegehumor.48a5277f3268d193dba00b1943b01a78.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:74693">Dustin</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1192"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1721957">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1720934 Getting to Know My Neighbors Mon, 26 Feb 2007 02:22:25 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1720934 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> UGLY CHICKS ACROSS THE STREET

Me:  Hey! Whores-R-Us, shut the fuck up!

Them:  Mind your own business.

Me:  That’s what I’ve been trying to do, but you guys decided it was a good time to start a Lil’ Jon sing-along and show everyone your I-don’t-live-with-daddy-anymore-I-can-do-whatever-I-want wild side.

Them:  So…

Me:  So you’re fucking annoying.  You sound like you’re getting raped up the ass by the Eastside Boys.

Them:  You would know.

Me:  That strobe light isn’t helping either.  You could at least shut your door.

Them:  Hey, we like to party.  I’m sorry if you feel bad because you don’t know how to have a good time.

Me:  It’s fucking Monday.  And aren’t you cunts Mormon?  I don’t think God or Joseph Smith or whoever would be very happy with those lyrics.

Them:  Please don’t use God’s name in vain.

Me:  I didn’t.

Them:  Well… we’re not gonna turn anything off.

Me:  Your muffin top already did.

Them:  Funny.

Me:  Listen, I’d be happy to come over there and curb stomp all of you, if that’ll help.

Them:  Yeah actually, it would.

Me:  Great.

Them:  Great.

Me:  Fine.

(back into my apartment)

Them:  What a Sour Sally.

(several minutes later)

*flaming bible shatters their front window*

 

 

 

HOT CHICKS DOWNSTAIRS

(I knock on their door)

Them:  Yes?

Me:  Hey Candace.  Are you guys alright?  Sounded like someone got hurt earlier.

Them:  No, we’re fine.  We just had a few glasses of wine and Megan put on an old CD.

Me:  Macarena?

Them:  No, I think it’s Now That’s What I Call Music.

Me:  Two?

Them:  Three or Four.  Can’t remember which.

Me:  Oh.

(roommate is dancing in background)

Me:  Nice moves Megan.

Them:  …You’re creepy.

Me:  (to myself) You’re hot.

Me:  …Alrighty, I gotta run.  Keep that music under control, Rock N Roll is dangerous.

Them:  Riiight.

Me:  (walking away, to myself) What the fuck just happened?

 

 

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:74693"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/f/9/collegehumor.48a5277f3268d193dba00b1943b01a78.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:74693">Dustin</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1192"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1720934">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1715380 Porn Man-Law Thu, 18 Jan 2007 21:59:27 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1715380 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Porn is a good thing, but it could be better. “How is that possible?” one may ask. What could be better than hot chicks performing deeds that would be considered inappropriate for typical dinnertime discussion? And they do it all for my viewing pleasure, to boot. Inspired by the open letter to the “creepy porn cameraman,” these Man-Laws will both protect the interest and, in part, lessen the impact of the very group that bears its name – man.

1. ALL audio of male participants shall be removed from the film. This applies to actors and directors/cameramen/creeps and includes speaking, grunting, groaning and any other sound. If a movie is not gonzo, and attempts to include a plot, it may only involve female voices.

2. The male’s face may be only shown when he is kissing the female actress(es). It is unlawful (and in bad taste) to cut to the male face right before release or after an extended shot of a female.

3. a) Females may perform oral on a male, but can never toss his salad.
   
    b) The male’s ass, taint, anus and curled toes may not be shown at ANY time.
 
4. No gay shit.

5. Female stars must do a m/f anal scene within the first four (4) months or ten (10) films (whichever comes first) of her career, or shall retire from the business. Recommended future careers: stripper, secretary, substitute teacher.

6. Females shall not overact by constantly screaming loudly or saying things like, “Fuck my ass,” “Give it to me,” “Oh God,” etc. It is perfectly acceptable to breathe heavily or moan softly.

7. All females must be shaved, or groomed at the very least, around the vagina. Ass hair is subject to severe punishment. Scars, bruises and blemishes must be concealed as much as possible. It is the director’s discretion to decide if they are to be allowed at all.

8. Female stars must either retire or receive surgical renovation once the labium minora extends past the labium majora. That shit’s gross.


9. Condoms are optional.  In fact, they're discouraged.


10. No fat chicks. Big titties are not an excuse.

The above regulations are associated with Section 2257 of Title 18, United States Code, with respect to all videotape and images applying to adult entertainment.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:74693"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/f/9/collegehumor.48a5277f3268d193dba00b1943b01a78.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:74693">Dustin</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1192"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1715380">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1710278 The Mystery of the Naked Rugburn Wine Wake Up. Tue, 19 Dec 2006 06:28:29 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1710278 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
I'm a freshman at the University of Oregon, which means I'm basically borderline alcoholic. As a matter of fact, the only reason that I don't call myself an alcoholic is because I don't go to meetings and talk about my feelings. However, I do revel in talking about my silly drinking stories. I am by no means a Tucker Max, but then again, who is? I am pretty sure that I outdid myself more than ever this last Saturday night.

Now bare with the beginning of the story, the end is more than worth it.

So far, my first winter break from college has been good. Saturday there was a hoodie party, to which I took one of my Cerebrahum's to. While I've been drinking for a few years, I'd never actually had wine before. Here is a time-line of my night .

9:00: Arrive at the party, first beer with the High School  Brahzasaureses

9:06: Second Beer, off to a good start.

9:16: A bottle of cheap red wine is handed to me. I proceed to drink out of the bottle because I suck at life.

9:35: First bottle of wine done. I'm a heavy drinker so I'm just barely getting to the inebriated stage. Probably has something to do with my loose relation to Lindsay Lohan.

9:35-10:00: Another beer, trying to take it slow because I wanted to go home and sleep in my own bed without my mother knowing that I am drunk. Just to avoid drama, ya know?

10:30: More beers. Starting to feel good.

11:00: Really drunk underage lady friend asks me "Why haven't you ever gotten in my pants?" in front of an entire room of people. My response, "Because you bought your pants in the children's department." Girl rushes out of room, everyone laughs, I'm an asshole, I know.

11:30: Couple shots of Jim Bean, feeling great.

11:45: My DD and I give a couple of high school girls a ride home because they're weak sauce and have midnight curfews. Girls get caught by parents smelling it on them as we speed off.

12:00: Back to the party, bottle of wine #2 is opened exclusively for me.

12:30: Bottle empty. Shit faced.

12:31: Brahomski finds a half full (I'm optimistic) bottle of wine. He drinks some, hands it to me.

12:40: Fuck I drank the rest of it. I'm totally fucked up.

12:45: Fuck it, another beer.

12:50: Excessively using the word "fuck" to help me describe the hippies in  Eugene.

1:00: Fall over. Hit head.

1:30: Guys mom comes home. Run. Fall. Laugh. Get in car with the most sober person I could find. (Or the first within eye-shot)

1:45: Get home. Try to open door, drop keys...6 times.

1:47: Open door. Mom standing on the inside of it. Keys woke her up.

1:47:30: Mom deduces that I'm drunk within moments of seeing me and sends me to bed because she's awesome.

1:48: Black out.

The next day.

10:00 AM: Woken up to help cut up a tree that fell on our house. (God hates me) Very hung over. Find myself naked with rugburn on my hip. Very confused.

2:00 PM: Father tells me, "Don't do that again." To which I respond "Do what?" to which he says "Pass out naked in the bathroom with your head on the toilet seat. Your mother had to drag  your naked ass to bed."

Jesus titty fucking Christ. I am awesome. I had held out a conversation with my mom during the day more than once and she hadn't mentioned it. Had this happened to me 3 months earlier, I would be a castrated man, but now that I'm in college, I have free reign. Isn't college amazing?

Upon asking my mom what happened in the bathroom, she replies, "I will never tell a single soul, that is your only punishment."

Shit. Not the response I wanted.

I go out later and buy her some flowers because I'm awesome like that. Then I go to a party.

I will never drink wine again.

But at least the Mystery of the Naked Rugburn Wine Wake Up is solved.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:65084"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.9b1e6d38ae63b96fa997e17fc7917dc2.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:65084">Duke B</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1192"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1710278">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706697 E! True Hollywood Story: Facebook Mon, 13 Nov 2006 03:00:05 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706697 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> E! True Hollywood Story: Facebook. Facebook's talents were unknown by anyone. Being raised on the tough streets of Cambridge Massachusetts, Facebook had a tough upcoming. Addicted to cocaine, meth, heroin, prostitutes, and the band Ace of Base, Facebook had little chance of becoming a success. If it weren't for one man, Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook may have never been discovered. In 2004, Zuckerberg saw the obvious skills of Facebook, and ran with something new. Starting off as entertainment for Harvard university, Facebook was the first way to stalk that cute girl with a tramp stamp in front of you in your econ class without having to look in through her dorm window from the tree. Facebook started to gain support, but still had its vices of the past. Students loved posting pictures of their drinking habits in a place where their parents couldn't see. Drunken sorority girls could post on how hot they looked in their "Sexy nudist" or "Girl with Keg Taps for Nipples" Halloween outfits. Facebook was living the life. Facebook started to gain support, but still had its vices of the past. Facebook was sleeping with up to several million women per night, all while high on crack, and clubbing a baby seal. Zuckerberg spent thousands of dollars trying to get Facebook clean. After several months. Facebook stopped calling itself by its street name, Myspace, and ditched its addiction to prostitutes. Things were going well. Facebook was open to all students and teachers of all colleges, and it was 16 months clean and sober. Then a bombshell was dropped. Facebook, after its promiscuous early years, was diagnosed with AIDs. The source of the disease was tracked to a Porn spammer when Facebook was still known as Myspace. She was recently deleted. Facebook has now been clean for 2 years, but the damage is already done. In Facebook's last days, it has been trying to be a humanitarian. Facebook is now open to the general public, and Zuckerberg will likely create a cheaper knockoff to keep the spirit of Facebook alive forever.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:65084"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/f/collegehumor.9b1e6d38ae63b96fa997e17fc7917dc2.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:65084">Duke B</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1192"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1706697">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />