UPenn

Take Family Vacation Into Your Own Hands

Of course it's easy to masturbate in your own house. You've had years of home-field training, but now it's time to play on the road. Parts of life may change during family vacation, but these guides are for one thing that won't: your need to...

A Rainbow Comes Out

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Paranoid Boyfriend

Simply roll your mouse over the text to read what the paranoid boyfriend hears. Isabel greets her boyfriend, Tom, at a lunch restuarant. Hey Tom, how has your day been? Hello boyfriend, say things to make me like you more. Make...

Ruminations #155: Thirty

-The first day of freshman year, I sat in my dorm room as everyone else on the hall moved in. Each time I heard footsteps, I cocked my head to listen closely in the hope I could glean any evidence that my new neighbors were female, hot, and...

Ruminations #154: Degree of Difficulty 2009

-Congratulations, Class of 2009, you've just received your college degrees! If I were you, by now I'd be sick of everyone telling me how this is the worst job market in a generation and that my graduation is coinciding with near-certain...

Ruminations #153: Plastic Man

-A recent article in Time Magazine stated that half of all college students have four or more credit cards.  Four or more?  That's fucking ridiculous.  I'm twenty-nine and have one credit card.  Why?  Well, I simply did...

Ruminations #152: The Smaller Stuff

-Birthdays are a lot like New Year's Eve in that you make a lot of promises to yourself about turning over a new leaf, only to abandon your attempts at change a few weeks later.  Of course, I have no ordinary birthday coming up.  In 52...

Ruminations #151: Spring Training

-Since the temperature varies so little in Los Angeles, sometimes I forget that seasons even exist.  When one of my buddies on the East Coast complains about being bombarded with snow, I have to look at a calendar and remind myself that just...

Ruminations #150: Virtual Reality

-Last week I found myself alone, disoriented, and holding a hand grenade.  I was alone because I had lost my friends on Bourbon Street in the midst of Triplet #1's bachelor party.  The hand grenade was not an explosive, of course, but...

Ruminations #149: TV Guide 2009

-In the past few weeks, two new world records were set: a man in Sweden watched television for 72 hours straight, and a woman in Thailand spent 33 days living with 5,000 scorpions.  It seems odd to me that the scorpion-living record is so...

Realistic Common App Essay Questions

1. Describe an event, issue, person, place or thing that has affected your life without boring me to tears. I read like 4200 of these a day.2. History plays an important part in our lives. Name a historical figure who isn't Benjamin Franklin,...

Ruminations #148: The Legend of Zelda

-Since I'm twenty-nine years old and Valentine's Day is coming up, I've been thinking a lot about dating and romance in the thirties.  That is, the 1930s.  Recently, I visited my ninety-seven-year-old Grandma Zelda and asked her a bunch...

Ruminations #147: The Home Stretch

-Until I have a family of my own, my "home" will always be my parents' house on Long Island, where I lived until I was eighteen (and where my mom and dad still reside).  Twentysomethings tend to lead a nomadic existence and I'm no exception,...

Ruminations #146: The Last Bachelor Party

-When I was a teenager growing up in the suburbs, if we couldn't find a house to drink in we'd simply kick back beers in the park until the cops inevitably came and chased us through the woods.  We were young and stupid and it was fucking...

Sick Convo

Enter Swine Flu, Avian Bird FluSwine Flu: Hey man, I'm really hoping to try to become an epidemic in the near future do you have any advice for me?Avian Bird Flu: Well, it didn't really work out for me but I'll give you a few tips and maybe you'll...

Ruminations #145: Question Everything

-Life progresses through a series of questions.  "Can I have some juice?" becomes "Why is the sky blue?" becomes "Why doesn't she like me?" becomes "How am I gonna pay the rent?" becomes "Will you marry me?" becomes "Weren't you on birth...

Ruminations #144: The Specialists

-I'm regularly amazed when fans email me to say they want to try stand-up comedy, but don't want any of their friends to come watch them.  To me, the very definition of a friend is someone who will cheer you on while you're attempting...

Ruminations #143: Unthankful

-The exact origin of Thanksgiving is the subject of debate among historians and scholars (at least according to its Wikipedia entry, which was probably written by a fifteen year-old kid in his basement).  Before we eat Thanksgiving dinner in...

John McCain's Campaign Strategy

Ruminations #142: Rise of the Daycrawlers

-As a kid growing up in the suburbs, I was always perplexed when I took a standardized test and the address section on the form had a space for "apartment number."  Back then, I didn't know anyone who lived in an apartment and could never...