CollegeHumor: UPenn Stuff

Just In Case A Game Of Touch Football Breaks Out And He's Skins.

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 12:07:20 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1918084"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/d/collegehumor.c4b44e008384dd925139d32d6fb7d33d.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1978680">Josh Rabinowitz</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Take Family Vacation Into Your Own Hands

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 17:00:00 -0400

Of course it's easy to masturbate in your own house. You've had years of home-field training, but now it's time to play on the road. Parts of life may change during family vacation, but these guides are for one thing that won't: your need to masturbate.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1978680"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/a/collegehumor.5004a8e4807c9c82560b458a60e3dcc6.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-08-13 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1978680">Josh Rabinowitz</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 61 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

They usurp the title of best Flying V ever. Better luck next time Ducks!

Fri, 31 Jul 2009 09:32:00 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1917442"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/3/1/collegehumor.a5ae9023d0ee3282b44588c1026c1827.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1978680">Josh Rabinowitz</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 66 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

A Rainbow Comes Out

Fri, 31 Jul 2009 13:00:00 -0400

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1978680"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/a/collegehumor.5004a8e4807c9c82560b458a60e3dcc6.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-07-31 13:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1978680">Josh Rabinowitz</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 36 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Paranoid Boyfriend

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 17:00:00 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Isabel greets her boyfriend, Tom, at a lunch restuarant.

Hey Tom, how has your day been?

Hello boyfriend, say things to make me like you more. Make it good.

My bad that I missed your call last night, I fell asleep studying for my exam. You will never guess how many pages I read.

I cheated on you, and you will never guess who with!?

And sorry I'm late. I just got off the phone with my friend Robert from High School.

Fine I'll tell you, it was with Robert from High School.

He's in town for a day and wants to go to a movie tonight. I'd invite you, but he made me promise it would be a High School friend's night out.

I'm only telling you about our movie date just in case you see us there. Now you can't be suspicious.

Tom, relax. It's not like that. We are just friends.

I've touched his penis.

Tom, we have been friends forever!

He took my virginity.

Oh my god, Tom, Robert is gay.

We've done anal.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1978680"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/a/collegehumor.5004a8e4807c9c82560b458a60e3dcc6.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-07-06 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1978680">Josh Rabinowitz</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 316 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Ruminations #155: Thirty

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 15:00:00 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> -The first day of freshman year, I sat in my dorm room as everyone else on the hall moved in. Each time I heard footsteps, I cocked my head to listen closely in the hope I could glean any evidence that my new neighbors were female, hot, and promiscuous. I was eighteen at the time and had never before felt such anticipation. Eleven days ago, as the last seconds of my twenties ticked away and I prepared to celebrate my thirtieth birthday, I can't say I felt the same level of excitement. I was both nostalgic and apprehensive. In fact, now that I'm thirty - wow, it's weird even saying that - I feel a bit self-conscious. Like the next time I get drunk before noon or bang a chick whose first name I'm fuzzy on, I'll somehow get reprimanded for behavior inappropriate for a thirtysomething. Even though I'm equidistant from both, I just feel a lot closer to twenty than I do to forty. Thirty gets a bad rap - but I'm not ready to give up the good life.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:245"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/e/collegehumor.853d36bc2b5e7705040de9fe7c61d3ff.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-07-01 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:245">Aaron Karo</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 15 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Ruminations #154: Degree of Difficulty 2009

Thu, 28 May 2009 15:00:00 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> -Congratulations, Class of 2009, you've just received your college degrees! If I were you, by now I'd be sick of everyone telling me how this is the worst job market in a generation and that my graduation is coinciding with near-certain apocalypse. I feel your pain, though, having graduated in 2001 during the dot.com collapse. When I got back from spring break in Acapulco my senior year, I had a voicemail informing me that the division of the company where I had lined up a full-time job no longer existed. Not the kind of news you want to hear when you're hungover and sunburned. But fret not, my young apprentices, it's not all bad. In my annual address to the nation's graduates, I'd like to present you with some reasons why you'll fare better in the real world than you think. Or at least fare better than your gloomy douchebag commencement speaker thinks.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:245"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/e/collegehumor.853d36bc2b5e7705040de9fe7c61d3ff.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-05-28 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:245">Aaron Karo</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 22 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Ruminations #153: Plastic Man

Tue, 12 May 2009 15:00:00 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> -A recent article in Time Magazine stated that half of all college students have four or more credit cards. Four or more? That's fucking ridiculous. I'm twenty-nine and have one credit card. Why? Well, I simply did the research and calculated that it would be most beneficial if I accumulated all of my rewards points in one account. Actually, that's not true; I just really hate carrying a thick wallet. OK, that's not completely true, either. I also got burned so many times with free t-shirts that were XXXL and promotional towels as thin as paper that I finally stopped accepting all the credit card offers that were foisted my way. College kids be damned, I'm comfortable with my decision. Packing a single Amex (alongside a near-useless debit card), I stride confidently cashless through malls and bars. Call me crazy or, more accurately, call me Plastic Man.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:245"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/e/collegehumor.853d36bc2b5e7705040de9fe7c61d3ff.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-05-12 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:245">Aaron Karo</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 7 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Ruminations #152: The Smaller Stuff

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 13:00:00 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> -Birthdays are a lot like New Year's Eve in that you make a lot of promises to yourself about turning over a new leaf, only to abandon your attempts at change a few weeks later. Of course, I have no ordinary birthday coming up. In 52 days, I'm turning thirty. Yeah, it's a big one. So while my time as a twentysomething is quickly running out, I've been considering several birthday resolutions, one of which is to be less grumpy. As I wrote in Ruminations #110, I tend to sweat the small stuff. Since that time, though, I've gotten a lot grumpier, and begun sweating even smaller stuff. The first step, as they say, is to admit you have a problem. But sometimes I wish "they" would just shut the fuck up.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:245"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/e/collegehumor.853d36bc2b5e7705040de9fe7c61d3ff.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-04-28 13:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:245">Aaron Karo</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 13 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Ruminations #151: Spring Training

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 17:00:00 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> -Since the temperature varies so little in Los Angeles, sometimes I forget that seasons even exist. When one of my buddies on the East Coast complains about being bombarded with snow, I have to look at a calendar and remind myself that just because it's 75 degrees and sunny in LA, doesn't mean it's not still winter. I also have to remind myself not to call my friend and be a dick by rubbing it in. Spring, however, is a different story, because it's a season noted as much for its weather as for its significance as a time of renewal. Spring is when we begin training in earnest for the rest of the year. The skirts get shorter, the days get longer, and winter is a distant memory to all except those who I remind about it on a weekly basis until December.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:245"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/e/collegehumor.853d36bc2b5e7705040de9fe7c61d3ff.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-03-31 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:245">Aaron Karo</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 9 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Ruminations #150: Virtual Reality

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 16:00:00 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> -Last week I found myself alone, disoriented, and holding a hand grenade. I was alone because I had lost my friends on Bourbon Street in the midst of Triplet #1's bachelor party. The hand grenade was not an explosive, of course, but rather the famed half-yard glass full of alcohol exclusive to New Orleans. And I was disoriented because I'd had four of them. When I finally arrived at the bar where my friends had been headed at the time we got separated, they asked me how I found them. I told them I asked someone for directions - forgetting that what I actually did was use the Google Maps application on my BlackBerry to locate my position via GPS, and then stumble off in the right direction. Though full-fledged virtual reality may still be a work in progress, when we accidentally confuse technology with real life (even while hammered), the future has truly arrived.

-I often find myself ignoring people on instant messenger just like I would on the phone. While I'm in the midst of doing something else, I absent-mindedly follow the IM and occasionally type: really? uh huh... LOL! and hope those phrases make sense in context. Sometimes I'll ignore someone on the phone and someone else on IM simultaneously. Now that's multitasking.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:245"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/e/collegehumor.853d36bc2b5e7705040de9fe7c61d3ff.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-03-16 16:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:245">Aaron Karo</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 19 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Ruminations #149: TV Guide 2009

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 14:00:00 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> -In the past few weeks, two new world records were set: a man in Sweden watched television for 72 hours straight, and a woman in Thailand spent 33 days living with 5,000 scorpions. It seems odd to me that the scorpion-living record is so much longer than the TV-watching record. I also think it's worth noting that one of the amenities that the "Scorpion Queen" had to pass the time was a television. If she had just kept the thing on the whole time, she could have set both records. Personally, I'm terrified of all bugs, especially deadly ones that look like lobsters. I do, however, currently follow over twenty different television shows religiously. Give me a DVR and a comfy couch and I'll give that dude in Stockholm a run for his money any day.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:245"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/e/collegehumor.853d36bc2b5e7705040de9fe7c61d3ff.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-02-24 14:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:245">Aaron Karo</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 13 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Realistic Common App Essay Questions

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 13:14:28 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> 1. Describe an event, issue, person, place or thing that has affected your life without boring me to tears. I read like 4200 of these a day.
2. History plays an important part in our lives. Name a historical figure who isn't Benjamin Franklin, your grandfather, or Martin Luther King, Jr. and describe what role they have played in your life.
3. Discuss an issue of local, national, or personal importance to me and describe why I'm right about it.
4. Fiction sometimes inspires people more so than non-fiction. Please describe, in fiction, your achievements and abilities.
5. Experience is the best teacher. List some experiences you have had that are not completely PG-13. Like anyone ever had any real fun on Yearbook staff.
6. Diversity is important to colleges. In 500-750 words, are you a minority (Y/N)?
7. Topic of my choice: Mad Libs. Go.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1193992"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/9/collegehumor.b564f4da0d9c1d88d91b3679f554d53f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1193992">Michael J Weingarth</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1770572">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Ruminations #148: The Legend of Zelda

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 12:00:00 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> -Since I'm twenty-nine years old and Valentine's Day is coming up, I've been thinking a lot about dating and romance in the thirties. That is, the 1930s. Recently, I visited my ninety-seven-year-old Grandma Zelda and asked her a bunch of questions about what life was like when she was single. As my only living grandparent, Zelda is the last remaining tie I have to that generation, and I thought she would have fun reminiscing. She played along for a while, then made me wheel her into the common room of her nursing home so she wouldn't miss Bingo. As it turns out, the game (of dating, not Bingo) hasn't changed much in the past seventy years or so.

-My grandma worked in an Army Navy store in Queens with her father and uncle. One day, the guy who would become my Grandpa Sam came into the store trying to sell raincoats and kick a little game to my grandma. Though her father didn't like the raincoats and turned Sam away, Zelda's uncle knew she had a crush and thus placed an order anyway, enabling my grandpa to come back and see her again. Although I never met my great-great-uncle, obviously he was a pretty awesome wingman.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:245"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/e/collegehumor.853d36bc2b5e7705040de9fe7c61d3ff.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-02-09 12:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:245">Aaron Karo</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 24 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Ruminations #147: The Home Stretch

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 17:00:00 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> -Until I have a family of my own, my "home" will always be my parents' house on Long Island, where I lived until I was eighteen (and where my mom and dad still reside). Twentysomethings tend to lead a nomadic existence and I'm no exception, having lived in five different apartments on two coasts since college. At two and a half years, I've inhabited my current apartment in West Hollywood the longest. Though I love my place and have taken great care to furnish it properly, to call it a home would still be a stretch. Sure I have birth announcements and holiday cards on the refrigerator, but there's also a beer funnel in the cabinet above it. Yes, the two works of non-fiction I'm currently reading rest on my nightstand, but on the shelf below sit two shotglasses, a flask from a sorority date party, some Mardi Gras beads, and a piggy bank in the shape of a miniature Yankees helmet. An apartment? Yes. A frat house? Perhaps. A home? Not so much.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:245"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/e/collegehumor.853d36bc2b5e7705040de9fe7c61d3ff.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-01-26 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:245">Aaron Karo</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 13 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Ruminations #146: The Last Bachelor Party

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 14:00:00 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> -When I was a teenager growing up in the suburbs, if we couldn't find a house to drink in we'd simply kick back beers in the park until the cops inevitably came and chased us through the woods. We were young and stupid and it was fucking awesome. More than a decade later, that exhilarating sensation borne of adrenaline infused with alcohol comes much more infrequently. Which is why since college I have endeavored to take a foreign adventure with the boys at least once every eighteen months or so. Much to my dismay, however, this year's trip was difficult to organize, because married guys are not allowed and the ranks of the unmarried have dwindled precipitously. Thus when me and three friends - two from high school (Matt and Triplet #2), and one from college (Danny) - embarked for Argentina and Uruguay three weeks ago, there was an unspoken air of finality about the proceedings. This would be the last bachelor party.

-Upon arriving in Buenos Aires, I quickly discovered that, when absolutely hammered, I am fluent in Spanish. Though I haven't studied or spoken it since high school, when I get a few drinks in me I become like one of those head trauma victims who mysteriously speak French flawlessly. At one point, Matt and I were spitting Spanish so well that a few locals asked us to produce our driver's licenses to prove we were American. Unfortunately, I look so fat and he looks so young that they just didn't believe they were our IDs.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:245"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/e/collegehumor.853d36bc2b5e7705040de9fe7c61d3ff.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-01-12 14:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:245">Aaron Karo</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 19 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

new world record?

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 16:04:00 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1895254"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/1/5/collegehumor.3830b3a19bc16750b4a5fe15977f1978.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1868374">Gordon</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Sick Convo

Wed, 24 Dec 2008 02:09:09 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Enter Swine Flu, Avian Bird Flu

Swine Flu: Hey man, I'm really hoping to try to become an epidemic in the near future do you have any advice for me?

Avian Bird Flu: Well, it didn't really work out for me but I'll give you a few tips and maybe you'll have better luck.

Swine Flu: Thanks, I appreciate any help I can get.

Avian Bird Flu: I'd say try to get to the low income areas, the poorer the better. Stay away from contries with solid governmental disease control. Poor hygenic practices are a must. I went the Asia route myself but don't shy away from...

Cancer: Sup faggots

Swine Flu: Cancer, please leave. Nobody likes you.

Cancer: 562,340 deaths this year say otherwise...

Avian Bird Flu: Look I know you're not an infectious disease but I was just in the middle of trying to help Swine Flu become an epidemic. Maybe you can be helpful and give him some advice.

Cancer: Here's some advice for you. Suck my malignant nuts!!!

Avian Bird Flu: People used to be scared of me too you know.

Cancer: Oh no! It's a pandemic! Run for your lives!!!!

Avian Bird Flu: Shut up already

Cancer: No, you shut up

Swine Flu: No, you shut up

Bubonic Plague: No, you shut the fuck up.

Swine Flu and Avian Bird Flu bow to the ground. Cancer gives bubonic plague the finger.

Bubonic Plague: 50% kill rate within 7 days; 200 million total kills; munch on my puss filled nuts, Cancer.

Cancer: You're a has been.

Enter AIDS

AIDS: Black Death and I are going to chill at my place later. Cancer, you can come too if you stop being a homo. Influenzas are not invited. It's BYOB.

All Exit

Enter Sniffles

Sniffles: You guys? Is anyone there? Hello?

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1868374"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/8/a/collegehumor.af502c988ee3d69e345ad5ca529eaf9e.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1868374">Gordon</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

unfortunate google ad

Sun, 21 Dec 2008 14:34:34 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1894656"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/7/1/collegehumor.7db1f3279b359726d1ee06b19466ee02.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1088255">paul</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1894656">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Ruminations #145: Question Everything

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 14:00:00 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> -Life progresses through a series of questions. "Can I have some juice?" becomes "Why is the sky blue?" becomes "Why doesn't she like me?" becomes "How am I gonna pay the rent?" becomes "Will you marry me?" becomes "Weren't you on birth control?" becomes "Did you notice all these gray hairs?" becomes "Where are my teeth?" And then, once again, "Can I have some juice?" We are taught from an early age to question everything. But I've spent far less time pondering life's great existential crises than I have obsessing over life's inconsequential annoyances.

-Why do companies think that giving me a five-dollar rebate will be enough incentive for me to refer a friend? I don't like your product that much, and I certainly don't like my friends that much.

-What is the non-athletic equivalent of a linebacker in short sleeves running out onto the field in freezing cold weather? Going out drinking with no jacket on a Saturday night in freezing cold weather?

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:245"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/e/collegehumor.853d36bc2b5e7705040de9fe7c61d3ff.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-12-16 14:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:245">Aaron Karo</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:43"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 16 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />