University of Tennessee

25 Things I Wish Were True About Me

1) On the day I was born, the sky was red and oracles the world over quaked, saying, "The Great One is here."2) Ian Fleming once had a vision about my life and was then inspired to write the James Bond series.3) Until the age of five, I spoke...

A Valentines Guide For Women

Correct me if I'm wrong, but deep down, Valentines Day is one holiday we all hate. Aside from another opportunity for girls to propogate the rumor that it's "only the thought that counts," it's a time for single people to feel lonely and couples...

Preparing For The VP Debate

Preparing For The 2008 VP Debate

Your Typical Alternative School Newspaper

On every college campus across the world, a constant battle rages between the monotonous daily news publication and the hip, underground alternative news source. This "anti-school" paper represents everything awesome about college. Where else...

The Traveler

Mitch Warner's new book was hailed by the New York Times as "the definitive modern novel; Warner's tale shatters everything previously held by academia as proper practice in literature." He was seen as the new Mark Twain and Nathaniel Hawthorne,...

Simonian Etiquette- The Band Practice

O Muse! give to me the inspiration to know what is best in all best ofall best possible worlds! What should one do if one is in a band thatis in dire need of practice?Well, first of all, it is generally considered polite for all membersof the band...

Giada-De-Laurentiis-Watching Television

Alternatives to the Current Patriots Pre-Game Show

I think everyone can agree that this has gotten absurd. I can't remember the last time sports broadcasters knob slobbed this hard over any team. Even the Bulls of the 90's didn't receive this level of aural fellatio, yet every Sunday, Monday, and...

Orgasmatron 3000

Capitulation; Or, I was Crowded Out of a Chair in Starbucks

From President Simon of the United Chair Number Three to Prime Minister Haverton of the People’s Democratic Republic of Chair Number Four and Its Dependencies:In the best interests of my people, I have decided to capitulate to your demands...

The Art Syllabus

ART 322—ExplorationsDr. Freidrich HimmlerOffice: 139 Art and ArchitectureOffice Hours: 1:30 AM – 1:35 AM Thursdays.TEXT: Explorations in Your Limits as a Human Being, 3rd Ed.—requiredCOURSE DESCRIPTIONThis course is an extremely...

Reality TV Psychic: Episode 1

Years after the Survivor series is cancelled, host Jeff Probst will be arrested for a string of serial killings spanning over 15 years. The victims will all be former cast offs from previous seasons. Probst will plead guilty and, in a stunning...

Bro (disambiguation)

Commenters, Disambiguate!

Ode to Nature (Composed Upon a Hill in Infested Territory)

O pristine lake with your idle waters reflecting the sky so blue! O trees, leaves shifting in the breeze, giving Voice to the Wind! You are reality! You are that which inspires beauty in the basest person.Lake, allowing people to picnic by your...

An Analysis of Flag Football Heroes

If you go to a normal school, flag football is by far the most popular intramural sport on your college campus. Everyone thinks they’re the shit when it comes to football and what better way to prove oneself than by playing a game that has...

The Story of Adam and Miriam

Adam and Miriam walked through the woods near Percy Priest Lake. Adam said to Miriam, “You are a woman. I have been told for all my life that women are inferior to men in all aspects and, being a simpleton, have believed it; for the people...

Metal Action/Metal Person

As far as topics that have been largely ignored in mainstream academia go, this is possibly the most overlooked. Bands such as Iron Maiden and Led Zeppelin have made their names writing songs based upon works such as Coleridge’s “Rime...

A Meeting of Giants

Four figures sit at a table in a sparsely-populated bar. Smoke permeates the entire atmosphere and the entirety of Metallica’s “…And Justice For All” album is playing from a jukebox. One man is holding the jawbone of a...

Deliver Us From Confusion

I cannot be the only one of my generation who has been scarred. Many crimes were committed against us as children, crimes that if were attempted to be perpetrated today, would be set upon by groups acting out of concern for our well-being. At...