University of Toronto

Response to My Letters from Discovery Channel Regarding My Requests that they Extend Shark Week

Dear Mr. Peever,Thank you very much for your letters. The Discovery Channel welcomes all types of feedback from its dedicated fans and seriously considers all recommendations. However, at this time we are unfortunately not able to honour your...

Dear Sweetheart: Letters Home From A Soldier

Bizzaro College Guy

 To kill time during a class break, Alex starts a conversation with a class mate. Alex:  I am not prepared for this exam. I didn't even buy the textbooks.BCG: No way, how could you not buy the textbooks! They were only $145.00 each....

The Regulars

You go to a party to be among other anonymous alcoholics. Maybe you'll meet someone you like, but most likely you will encounter these people: Guitar Guy:  As soon as you hear "This is a song I wrote/am working on..." get...

Universal Developmental Stages

Certain habits, thoughts, and exogenous influences define a person and make them an individual. Other experiences work to homogenize rather than individualize, yielding similar sentiments to all who endure. College is one of those experiences, as...

Wall-to-Wall BFF's

 Facebook is a social networking tool that helps you stay connected with people so they never forget how popular you are. Ally's Wall- to-Wall with Emma MackinnonMackinnon:  Duuuuuude. So drunks malunks last night. Cant believe we...

Response to My Letters to Somali Pirates Requesting They Take up a More Traditional Approach to Piracy on the High Seas

Dear Mr.Peever,Thank you very much for your letters. It's good to know that despite all the negative attention we've been receiving in the media, that we are still able to garner some support. However, at this time, we feel that it would be best...

Personality Test

Read the following personality profiles to see which test best suits you:  MCAT: You love long term relationships and consider four years just the beginning of something. Human contact is so infrequent that going to a party causes an asthma...

Sorry, But Your Bailout Request Has Been Denied

Dear Sir,We regret to inform you that after reviewing your application we have decided not to approve your request for a bailout package. We understand that the economy has taken quite a hit, and that many industries are struggling, unfortunately...

Internal Monologue of a Polo Shirt About to Have Its Collar Popped

Ah yes, Friday! I’ve done my time in the hamper and in the wash and now it’s finally my day in the rotation. Friday! That’s the best day to get worn. That means I’m chick-worthy. I’m the kind of shirt that is going to...

Excerpts From My Grandfather's Autobiography That Lead Me To Believe He Might Not Have Been As Tolerant of Other Races as He Has Let On

"It was not long after Thanksgiving that I started getting terrible and constant headaches. My wife suggested that I go to the hospital and get checked out. 'Better safe than sorry,' she always cautioned. After a series of CAT scans and MRIs Dr....

Nair For Men: A Guide to Safe Pube-Grooming

Smooth is the new black. Being man-pretty today demands more attention to detail and more dedication to style than ever before. For now, being hairless is in. The ladies love a man who’s got two eyebrows a shaved face, smooth back and a...

Work

The work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives and the dreams shall never die -Edward Kennedy Is it worth it, let me work it -Missy Elliot $8.50/hr? I'll take it. -You Unless you are rich or disabled, you are going to have spend...

Recession Proofing

Office MemorandumTo: ALL STAFFRe: ProductivityIt has come to my attention that worker productivity in this office has taken a significant dip in the past few weeks. I know business has been slow due to the troubled economy, but we must continue...

Facebook Album Names Translated

  Rollover to reveal. Or remain seated to reveal, no diff.Randomness Same old shitGraduationUnemployedSome of my artUnemployedWelcome to the Good LifeI swear I'm cool  AustraliaI am whiteKite SurfingSoooo whiteEnd of an...

Response to My Letter from Intellicorp Regarding My Requests for a Custom Robot

Dear Mr. Peever,I regret to inform you that we will not be able to fill your request that we received earlier this month. At this time, Intellicorp is not specializing in sale of its products to private citizens.I am also concerned that there may...

Concepts have feelings too: Therapy session with Time

Time: Hello. Therapist: Hello. Make yourself comfortable. It has been so long since I've seen you. Time: (Solemnly) Has it? (Pause). It's all the same to me. Therapist: How are you? Time: Confused. People blame me for their problems. People ignore...

Rejection Letter from the Marcel Marceau Academy of Mime

Dear Mr. Goodwin,We have recently received your application and audition tape for the consideration of this prestigious academy. However, upon review of your submission it has become obvious that you lack the necessary knowledge of the art of...

Some Logistical Issues

Dear Timmy, Thank you very much for the nice letter you sent this year. I hope you're getting as excited for Christmas as I am. I do, however, regret to inform you of some issues that came up with regards to your requests.I won't be able to bring...