Monopoly
If a girl puts pressure on you to buy property, take chances, and pay jewelry tax, she is playing Monopoly. She will monopolize your free time while simultaneously trying to land something better. Beauty contests and bank errors aside, her only true loves are money and free parking. Spare yourself the jail time and waterworks by letting her know you're not her Mr. Moneybags.

Candyland
She flaunts sweet spots suggestive of boundless pleasure, but indulging will only

I taste as sweet as I look

Poker
She is seductive, thrilling, and should come with a surgeons general warning. This smokeshow is a straight up stripper. Vicodin, class struggle and a carb free carcinogen filled diet has perfected her p-p-p-poker face, muh muh mah. Delusions of grandeur will make you believe she actually likes you. She doesn't. She's bluffin with her muffin getting you to go all in. 

Guess Who
A social butterfly who's facebook account has more restricted profiles than a pre nose job Paris Hilton. This girl can't tell a story without mentioning 50 people you don't know.
Her: I was talking to Jeremy
You: The bald guy?
Her: No, the one with glasses
You: Does he have a moustache?
Her: Yeah, he's always smiling
You: Was he in the library with the candlestick?
Her: Wrong game.
Win her heart by telling her she's "so L.A." and be impressed with how popular she is. She will be flattered by your interest, and Guess Who becomes Operation.

Twister
You look her way and she coyly looks down and smiles. Then she does a warrior pretzel and says "your move". She is playing Twister, and she wants you. Bad. Do it.

Robble Robble,
Hamburglar

P.S. - While I am not prepared to admit guilt, if you will consider granting me some leniency in my case, I may or may not have valuable information on the Grimace murder.

 "I am whoever you want me to be." You sit down. I stare into your eyes, your beautiful round biceps. The red polo you are wearing insinuates casual yet confident.  We make small talk; weather, movies, Conan O'Brien. The conversation is slow, non sequitur, but incredibly accepting.  

Suddenly words like chemistry and intimacy characterize a chance encounter with the opposite sex, whereas words like sloppy and drunken are nowhere to be found.  If the movie Serendipity warranted a plot this would be it. The room disappears, time stops and nothing exists but us, here, in this moment,

 "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii." The real Natasha. "Oh, you must have thought this was me. I guess the only description was brown hair. I'm Natasha. Sorry I'm late. Hahaha. Let's grab a seat. "

The two of you sit elsewhere and begin flirting, leaving me to resume my Stephen Glansberg status. Her laugh is forced, her tone high pitched and she is plain and boring looking. Describing her as bland would be an overstatement, burlap has more sex appeal.  Objectively, I am better. But you came here for her, and not me, and now she is sitting with a boy who is captivating, engaging, good looking and far too compelling to be sitting with her.  That sounds bias and shallow, so I'm switching gears to sounding stupid, but nonetheless sincere to what I believe:

The conclusion is this:  Men are dating down.  Something prompted an epidemic of lowered standards. Good looking males are hard core settling, leaving average and good looking women befuddled, obese chicks rejoicing. Quality boys are going for sub par girls, even in moments of sobriety.  

Damn you Natasha, damn you for getting the one that got away. But part of me is proud you are sitting with a boy so out of your league, prompting the rest of us to go get ours.   

Vegas is never a "deal." A deal is wings on Tuesdays and 45 cents off detergent. Yet some unimaginative asshole always suggests a trip to Vegas because "seriously guys, we need this, it will be so awesome". Vegas is cliché and painfully uncreative. Most people our age dislike paying for toilet paper, let a lone a twenty dollar buy in for a game of black jack. 

So, yes, I do want to go to Vegas, but no, I'm not Jay Z so I won't be spending dollars on slots or roller coaster hotel rooms. I would just as rather drink a bottle of 10 dollar wine, go somewhere local, meet people, and after many half hearted attempts to mingle with the opposite sex, settle for a slice of pizza amongst friends. 

Besides, Amsterdam is pretty cheap this time of year, heard that place is maaaad fun.

It seems it was unbeknownst to many that "priceless" was merely a slogan. It is the responsibility of the card holder to pay their monthly bill.  If the balance on the MasterCard is not repaid, the unpaid remainder is subject to a moderate interest rate.  To clarify: nothing charged on this card is priceless.  

We at MasterCard meant to insinuate that the best things in life are free. This was achieved by coupling the word "priceless" with a sentimental moment between loved ones. However, using this logic, the best things in life do not include: houses, cars, leather pants, meals at Red Lobster, Jesse McCartney tickets, breast implants, tuition, giant turtles, trips to Vegas, Hawaiian donuts, or anything else that is sold. Please stop sending letters about a "priceless" horizontal striped pant suit. Yes, it is rare that a suit has horizontal stripes, but this does not make it priceless.

We apologize for any confusion. MasterCard would also like to inform all customers that their limit has been raised by $10 000. Congratulations. You deserve more.

You Deserve More is the new slogan of MasterCard until further notice.

Regards,
Kevin Christophson
President of MasterCard

Randomness
Same old shit

Graduation
Unemployed

Some of my art
Unemployed

Welcome to the Good Life
I swear I'm cool  

Australia
I am white

Kite Surfing
Soooo white

End of an Era
Moving my futon and desk lamp elsewhere

Formal 
Needed an excuse to get my hair done

Formal 2
and take lots of pictures

Life of the Party, Death of the Keg  
Epidemiology of an Ulcer

Do You Taste As Good As You Look
It sounds sexual but I was eyeing a chocolate bar

China
Brought a camera because I thought it would help me fit in

Halloween 
Fetish Porn

Step Up 3
Alcohol gives me confidence to dance. By dance I mean flail my arms while jumping.  

Moments in 09 
Not much goin on here. I had my camera with me one night.

I lost my panties
Try not to look at this album. I dare you.

Broing out    
Being Gay

Night out with the Girrrrrrrls     
I love being single, seriously, so over it

Over It            
Not over it

Most guys don't watch The Hills. Some guys watch every episode (not that there's anything wrong with that). Either way, chances are you have rudimentary knowledge of The Hills. Comments are predominantly:

Typical Girl: Spencer is such an asshole.

Calling Spencer an asshole is a terrible judgment of character and insulting to actual assholes. Here are unofficial definitions:

Asshole: High in achievement. A dominant personality and physical stature to match, many athletes and skilled musicians fall into the asshole category. Their greatness comes from being good at something. There is no social benefit or incentive for them to be nice, they are liked for their prestige. Many will dabble with assholeniss, but few wield enough social power to pull it off. They have loyal social ties, are fun to be around, and can be arrogant.   They chase girls with a high success rate. 

Loser: A loser is shallow, pretentious, egotistical, needy, chauvinistic, effeminate and reprehensible  (acronym being SPENCER). Spencer can't be an asshole because he has no talent. He wields no social power but tries really hard to convince people he is a playboy asshole type. If he wasn't with Heidi, he would have nothing. He is bland. He is ugly. He isn't funny. He is ugly. Being rich doesn't make you an asshole. Having a relationship with a girl just to be on TV makes you a loser. Brody Jenner is beautiful.  

After Ashton Kutcher made waves obtaining more twitter followers than CNN, Spencer challenged Ashton to a twitter contest.  As if competing against CNN is a stepping stone to competing with Spencer, rather than being anticlimactic. Spencer makes Lindsay Lohan look like a fame prude.

Shows like The Hills, The City, The O.C., Laguna Beach etc.  have the premise that place is predictive of people. It is sociologically themed. And I am sure there are plenty of assholes who live in The Hills, but Spencer  Pratt is not one of them. He's just a straight up loser.

Susan Boyle has never been kissed, is 47 and unemployed. And one more thing...she can sing. That was not a typo. If you have not watched the video yet, you will. Your original reaction will be "wow, she is ugly".  Not normal ugly, like seriously heinous looking. But just watch it. It has 25 million views on Youtube. It just got another 10 million while I typed that sentence.  

The experience is so visually unappealing yet sonically beautiful.  Can something be beautiful and ugly at the same time?  No longer opposite ends of a spectrum, it is evident beauty and ugliness can coexist.   A new precedent is set for perseverance and accomplishing your goals in the face of adversity. Susan Boyle showed herself in public, on TV. for heaven's sake, despite being ugly.  

I have never cried tears of joy. I didn't even cry when Obama won the election.  But to see a miracle, to see something so unfathomable is absolutely earth shattering. It's as if a blind man was given the gift of sight and could finally look into the eyes of his daughter.  It's as if a crippled midget with down syndrome won the 100m dash at the Olympics. I will have to watch this video at least another 12 times to fully grasp what the hell is going on. Susan Boyle, thank you for inspiring millions.

Perhaps you are from Arkansas and don't give a shit about hockey. Riddle me this: Do you give a shit about banging broads? Then you care about [intramural] hockey.  

Everyone needs help hustling. Perhaps you are tired from circuit training. If you're a broad maybe you just got your period or something. I don't know. No worries, I'm here to help. Here are some lessons:

Rid of Negative Energy:  I don't suggest downward dog but I do suggest meditation vis a vie alcohol. Drink to remind yourself why you drink and transcend to higher places.  Also, I don't want to make a sweeping generalization, but women are nothing but negative energy. They say things like "no, stop, I have a boyfriend" and "We're spending a lot of money on tuition, you should go to class" Bee-uuuuzzz kill.

Fight Whenever Possible: Other than winning consecutive intramural games, fighting is the best way to assert dominance and command respect. The other night I was at a bar six pints none the richer and this pedophile tard looked at my chick. What a fucking tourist. I put my fist to his face, rag dolled the shit out of him and left him unconscious on the road. Needless to say my girlfriend does nay go astray.  Dat was a top a da line rhyme.

Bang Broads and Drink Beer With The Boys as per usge: Shit doesn't change, stay positive even when you've had a bad game/day. No matter what, you're still awesome. A wise man once said "Shit doesn't change". Yeah, that just happened, I quoted myself. I talked in the fourth person. 

Goals: Whether you are setting them, working towards them or scoring them, the key to happiness is goals; regardless of skill level, goals are goals. Learn some locker room lingo and you're golden. Now go run shit.   

Adventure LAN:  Let's Get This LAN Party Started!! Similar to Laguna Beach but about the Local Area Network party scene.  So much real and virtual drama.  Status obsessed gamers vie for top spots in the hand eye coordination hierarchy.  Live footage and epic montages of this adrenaline filled sexless subculture. Sponsored by Mountain Dew and pizza.
 

Incogvitro:  Blends themes of sex addiction, plastic surgery, and paternity uncertainty into this season's hottest topic: In vitro fertilization. We interview women who are addicted to test tube baby making. Science never looked so sexy, or pregnant.
  

Almost Dead and Never Wed: Capitalizing on Engaged and Underage, this show follows swinging singles who are decrepitly old. Watch as disillusioned elderly aspire to have one night stands.  Disclaimer: disgusting footage of arthritic bodies getting it on.
 

Fashion Passion: Do you wear a suit on casual Fridays? Would you wear a corset on a first date? Well, why not?!  The golden rule of fashion is you can never be overdressed. Ever.  Strategic product placement will make viewers SHOP SPEND SHOP. Credit card cutting: out, credit cards cutting cocaine: in.
 

Common Law Kitchens: Renovations for the not fully committed. Unmarried couples remodel their kitchen with sub par construction jobs. Low maintenance projects that require no contractual obligation.  Participants can leave at anytime.

 Dr. Phil Roast:  Who doesn't love Dr. Phil? Right, everyone. The comedy network will host a literal Dr.Phil roast. Watch as he is publicly executed and roasted over an open flame. It's time this "Dr" gets a taste of his own medicine; exploitation in the name of entertainment. Karma never looked so much like a glob of melted butter. 

Alex:  I am not prepared for this exam. I didn't even buy the textbooks.

BCG: No way, how could you not buy the textbooks! They were only $145.00 each. Practically a steal considering the bookstore will buy them back for a fair price. Textbooks have got to be one of the best investments you can make, other than the crazy delicious mad cheap meal plan.

Alex: Okay, no. Do you want to study together?

BCG:  I'll just send you my notes. Everyone agrees, it's not who you know, it's WHAT you know. Excuse my attire, I didn't have time to completely iron my shirt before class.

Alex: No worries. I haven't worn anything that didn't have a waistband in months.  So when was the last time you partied?

BCG: I was at a Kegger last night actually. I wanted to pay but they insisted everyone drink free, especially average looking guys who didn't know anyone. There was way too much alcohol. Luckily the cops broke it up.