• Develop a solid layer of fat to protect yourself from the cold: odds are you've already gotten a head-start on this one thanks to your campus dining center and drunken late-night pizza binges.  While your unsightly rolls of fat may lead you to believe that you are less than attractive to members of the opposite sex, which you definitely are, you can hide your disgusting and well-insulated body in layers of sweat pants and hoodies.
• Find a ride home for Thanksgiving/Christmas: now is the time to reconnect with your annoying high school friend with a car who goes to your school.  Sure, the kid was annoying as hell and always wanted to tag along with you during Welcome Week, but his beat up Saturn is better than sitting next to a possible prison-escapee on a Greyhound.
• Re-establish contact with your high school ex-girlfriend: now is the time for several well-placed facebook messages about wanting to catch up (i.e. hook-up) over break.  The endless parade of drunk co-eds comes to a grinding halt the second you step foot into your childhood room, so make sure that you mend the fences that resulted from breaking up with her a week before you both left for school.

High School Guidance Counselor

Now, Shawn, I've taken a look at your grades and I think that your 3.98 GPA and ACT score of 29 should be good enough to put you on the waiting list for a shitty state school.  As far as looking at other schools don't even bother, we all know that you're too dependent upon your parents to move out of state and away from your douche bag high school friends.  Also, I noticed that you haven't taken a foreign language yet; I'm recommending all students take at least two years of a foreign language even though no college requires this.  Now, the fact that you were quarterback for our less-than-stellar football team and also the biggest ball hog on the basketball set you up perfectly for getting juiced out of your mind for intramural flag football games and listening to Metallica while lifting weights at the REC.  Congrats, you have a very drunk and stereotypical college experience ahead of you!

College Advisor

Come on in, Shawn, I'd be more than happy to take a break from my 8 hours of teaching a week to sit down for your school-mandated yearly check-in with me, that's why I'm here.  From the looks of your transcript you appear to be right on track to graduate in 5 ½ years after taking every gen ed course in the catalog before finally settling on a demanding Communications major.  What's that?  You've recently switched to Ethic Studies?  That's great, regardless of what you major in you'll be moving back home after you graduate anyhow.  The fact that you joined your major's club purely to join in the bar crawl will look outstanding on your resume, as will your work experience waiting tables at your home-town's shitty restaurant during the summer.

Boss

Thanks for taking the time out of watching 30 Rock clips on Hulu to sit down for your performance review, Shawn.  I'd just like to start off by saying that if at any point during this meeting I burst out laughing at the miniscule amount of money you make, please don't take it personal.  Now, if it was up to me I would rate you as "Fails to Meet Expectations," but I can't let MY boss know that I do next to nothing to motivate you, so I'm just going to rate you as "Acceptable" for the third straight year and move on.  I've noticed that you've been doing a lot of doodling during our staff meetings; I'm going to take that as a sign that you'd like some more work to do and I'm laying off a member of our department and transferring their work directly to you.  Moving into the 4 Quarter I'd like you to focus on ignoring me sexually harassing my secretary as well as increasing your daily Career Builder searches.  I know I speak for no one in our department in saying that you are truly a replaceable part of the team.   

Father-in-Law

Thanks for coming over for dinner, Shawn, I've been looking forward to meeting the piece of shit who thinks he can marry my daughter, the most lovely woman ever to walk the Earth.  Would you like a drink?  If you say yes I'll think you're a raging booze hound but if you say no I'll assume you can't handle your liquor and thus aren't man enough to marry into my family.  So let's get right to it: what are you sexual intentions with my daughter?  She's said nothing but good things about you, which of course I didn't believe.  What line of work are you in?  Regardless of what you said I will tell you that I worked in an auto factory for 35 years and you're an unpatriotic bastard if you don't drive a Ford.

Saved By the Bell

Future Career: Junior VP of Accounting Firm, Trophy Wife

If you can correctly recite all the lyrics to "Friends Forever" and had a strong hatred for Valley, then odds are you were one of the cooler kids in your grade school class.  Zach's giant cell phone is now your blue tooth headset that you insist on wearing at the grocery store, and Lisa Turtle's laughable spending ways directly correlate to your non-funny $25,000 of credit card debt.  You take what you want in life, and right now you want nothing more than to be back in college, making out with a random chick at the Pi Kappa annual "Golf Pros and Tennis Ho's" spring party.

Doug

Future Career: High School English Teacher; Convicted Child Molester

While the "cool" kids were too busy frenching behind the swing set and pelting you with gym balls, you took a more sensitive approach to your childhood programming.  You could relate to the soft-spoken nature of the banjo-playing Doug, and soon grew to enjoy all the beautiful and wondrous things in life.  You own several sweater vests and more likely than not have sported a beard.  Sure, your female friends may describe you as being "creepy" and don't seem to appreciate your frequent hugs, but you're confident that someday your Patty Mayonnaise will come along, complete with a wheelchair bound dad.

Pete and Pete

Future Career: Freelance Sculptor, Peace Corps Volunteer

Rescue 911

Future Career: Police Officer, Fire Fighter

As a child, there were three ways to get your dosage of thrills and excitement 1) talk to a member of the opposite sex 2) multiple servings of Fun Dip 3) watching Rescue 911.  From the Captain Kirk hosting to the foggy re-enactments, you were glued to the edge of your seat every week.  As time passed and you weren't able to find the same enjoyment out of listening to 911 calls of gunshot victims, you decided that you could cut right to the chase and now arrest drivers rolling through stop signs and bust underage parties.

Future Career: Crystal Meth Addict, Japanese Anime Illustrator

As a child you consumed bright lights and loud noises to the extreme that would have put an epileptic into the ground.  Every Saturday morning you plopped yourself inches away from the screen to watch the Black Ranger kick ass, and though numerous spin-offs garnered your feigned attention, you turned to harder and faster thrills as you got older.  Instead of playing with your Power Rangers action figures, you know spend your afternoons picking at the invisible bugs under your skin and prostituting your girlfriend for cash.  In a cruel twist of fate, your destiny will closely follow that of the Red Ranger as you get more and more desperate for another hit: gay porn.

Your Crush's Roommate
Why does the hottest girl in the dorm have to have the frumpiest roommate ever to be admitted to college?  It is a guarantee that the first time you actually work up the nerve to "randomly" stop by your crush's room due to the fact that you were in the building to "see a friend and oh my god didn't even realize you lived here!" she will be gone at class and you will be suckered into an awkward conversation with her roommate that bears a close resemblance to a she-male wideclops.  Avoid any and all interaction with this girl, unless you want to hear about her soon-to-be released anthology of pony related poems.