Virginia

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin Decide Who Goes First

Buzz Aldrin: This is so messed up. I deserve this just as much as you do.Neil Armstrong: Look, Buzz. We've been over this. I called it fair and square during training.Buzz: There is no way that counts. You called it when we were inside a...

The Found Art of the First Date

Here's a response to "The Lost Art of the First Date" by Jake Hurwitz. I realize that the original article was written in 2005, but these tips will remain golden for years and years.Women do love being swept off their feet, and especially in...

Weapons of Mass Destruction

Have you ever found yourself in a museum, observing priceless, century-old artifacts and marveling at their existence even after their creators have long gone? Ever think how fun it would be to take a nice, solid bat to it all? I think at one (or...

Every limbo Barbie* girl all around the limbo world

Ladies: remember when we were little and we'd play Barbies*?  Why did we always make them hop around on both feet to get everywhere?  Oh yeah, because when you'd try to make them walk, their torsos would just bend backward after about...

Pre-Fame Fall Out Boy Ask Parents for Money

Track 1. Tonka Trucks and Hugs (Parents Are Always There) Track 2. High Expectations: I'm Sorry I Couldn't Deliver (Fired from Domino's)Track 3. Overdue Rent, Overdue Bills And I Can't Overdo it MyselfTrack 4. Payback is a Bitch But I Promise I...

Nicktoons Central High School

ANGELICA PICKLES: so who do you think is going to ask you to the prom?HELGA PATAKI: I don't know, I was hoping Arnold, but I think he's still dating that mayo slut.ANGELICA: no way! Arnold and Patty are still hooking up?HELGA: I mean I think so,...

Interning: The White-Collar Sweatshop

    You're an undergrad. You need to build your resume. Commuting an hour and a half each way from Long Island to "the city" in crowded rush hour trains during the hottest summer of the century thanks to global warming is not your...

Conscience Deciding Whether to Greet a Passerby

Angel: Look up ahead! That girl from your Biology discussion last semester is walking toward you. You should definitely say hi! Devil: No, don't listen to him-- you don't even remember her name do you? Angel: It's Lauren...Lauren Walker. Just...

The Land Down Under...and Above

   "The Land Down Under...And Above" Austin Wiles It can happen at any time of the day or night. When it does, there is nothing you can do to stop it. Most often, it occurs at the moment that is the least convenient for you. A lesson...

Three Things worse than Cup Chicks

1. Sand Burrs in your feet. 2. Frostbite. 3.Cleangirls.org

It's ok she's drunk.

It's been mentioned before, but the extremely drunk guy/girl always has a friend to say, "It's ok she's drunk." I decided to think of some instances when its ok and when it really is not ok.Your friend cut me in line to the bathroom and you turn...

7 Ways A Stick-Man Could Die

Diary entry of that guy who missed the memo about daylight savings

November 5 Dear Diary,It was strangely dark when my alarm went off this morning. Fuck 8 am Spanish. I got over there and the door was locked, lights were off. I guess that class got canceled and I didn't hear about it or something. I waited for...

Putting the Dumb in Dumbbells

Besides McDonalds, there are more gyms than any other building in the world. This is because old people are always building gyms, so as to have quiet and accepting places in which to walk around naked. In fact, when men reach an old age, like...

First Year Party Conversation

First Year Guy to Any Non-First Year Girl Guy: Hey hows it goin? Girl: It's goin, how bout you? Guy: Alright, I don't really know anyone here that's all. Girl: Really but this fraternity's so popular which one are you in? Guy: I never really...

Humor is about Making Fun of People

I just can't stand it when people fail to realize that things are funny when someone suffers from them. The Germans call this Schadenfreude, and it is truly the root of all humor.What's funnier: someone goofy walking around, or someone goofy...

What did I do Last Night?

You come to in a ditch, dumpster, or jail cell. What the hell?First, you must be calm. In a jail cell looking scared will get you a boyfriend. And I know I always throw broken glass into dumpsters that are acting up.Get out of the ditch or...

7 Things you ought to do

1. Get a friend to sign an agreement that he will bail you out of jail if need be. 2. Buy Ephedrine syringes. 3. Draw a target in the parking lot behind your balcony so people have something to aim their puke at. 4. Never stand near the...

How to Write a Great Update

How does he do it, you might be asking. Three updates, and each so good. I'll let you in on the secrets of the writer, now that I've made it big. The first thing to do is to figure out what your reader might be asking. Answering his or her...

On Getting Crunk

Have you ever found yourself at a party wondering, "What should I do?"� Fear not, friend, for I am veritable master of party protocol, a fountain of fete-tiquette, a staggering voice crying in the wilderness, "Where are my car keys?"� My party...