Virginia Tech

Facebook: 25 Things About Me

I don't care what the name of your first puppy was or that your friends and family mean everything to you.  If I wanted to know, I would have asked, probably in an effort to sleep with you.  So since I know so much about you...

How to Beat an Internship

  My condition this morning can only yield one type of article, one about being hung-over, and stuck in a cubicle filled fluorescent hell.  It is likely that at one point or another in your collegiate career you will find yourself in...

Found this while digging through archives

My dad the other day, like, asked me why his beta tapes didn't work in our VCR. I was like, whatever. - Ashley (USC)We were totally on this rad road trip to disney land last summer when our dad got lost. He said "why can't they make a machine that...

My Penis: Apply Directly to your Vagina

Everything beyond this point was recorded after the encounterThe results of the experiment are inconclusive.  The subject was more confused than disgusted, and some schools of thought are claiming that result alone deems the experiment a&...

Bike Safety 101: Hand Signals

There are two types of people in this world: the people who ride bikes and the people who hate them. Unfortunately, the roads of society aren't big enough for the both of them. That's why we have universal hand signals to ensure the safety of all...

Family Matters: Where are they now?

Plot: Chronicles everyday exploits of middle class black family in Chicago and their nerdy, annoying, but lovable next door neighbor.Fact: Second-longest running comedy with African American cast in American television with less white characters...

Can't I just read playboy in peace?

"God why do you have pictures of naked women on your wall that's so degrading!"Men is this something you hear from your lady friends all the time! Having a hard time trying to defend yourself without looking like a complete perv or sex addict....

Office "Small Talk" Dictionary

Good Morning! Don't fucking look at me! How was your weekend? I spent mine in therapy. I got a family emergency. My son came out of the closet. What are you doing for lunch? Why doesn't anyone like me? How's the family? My wife left me and took...

Polo Ralph Lauren Billboard

"I'm the white Kanye West. I'm the definition of versatility. On Saturdays, I bong beers over the frat house, and on Monday morning I climb up the corporate ladder, all while never changing my Polo. I've got every color including pink, but I tell...

Northern Girls vs. Southern Girls

The Civil War may have ended almost 150 years ago, but the tension between the North and South can still be seen today. It is most apparent in examining the societal differences between the girls in the North and the girls in the South. I may have...

Chris Hansen orders a Big Mac

Cashier: "Welcome to McDonald's. What can I do for you?"Hansen: "What can I do (long pause) for you?"Cashier: "Excuse me?"Hansen: "Do you come here often?"Cashier: "I work here."Hansen: "Do you think it's appropriate to be taking orders from...

Controversial Fourth Grade Homework Assignment

My summer vacation was very kool! Me and my dad played a lot 2gether. I'm not a little boy anymore he said. We played in mommy and daddy's bedroom. We played in my bedroom. We played in the back of his big red pickup truck when mommy was home. We...

A Day in the Life of Matthew McConaughey

6:30 p.m. Girlfriend comes over for dinner Girlfriend: "Matt, we need to talk." McConaughey: "About my chiseled six pack?" Girlfriend: "No, I think we should see other people. You really creep me out. We're having a nice dinner and you're not...

Young Professional Dating

Bachelorette Party: With dozens of single women drunk with their biological clocks running out, this is the easiest situation to get laid. Buy a round of shots, make a toast to finding love, and you'll have six girls on their knees before they can...

10 Things You Never Want To Hear Your Girlfriend Say

1. Any conversation that starts with, "Remember that time about a month ago?" Followed by: 2. "I think I'm going to keep it."

Typical Conversation with a Douchebag Alum

You: (Stumbling out of the bar at 2 a.m. and bumping into a familiar face from your past in the middle of Main Street) "What's up dude, didn't you Graduate?" Alum: (Deeply inhaling the last of his cigarette and flicking the ashes towards the...

Majors at Virginia Tech

Dear Diary: Open Letter to Justin Bobby

Dear Justin Bobby, God, you are so hot. You’re like the bad boy my father would kill if he ever knew how I felt about you. With your dark, flowing hair and rough and rugged stubble, you define masculinity. Never giving a fuck of what Lauren...

Five people you meet on a Train

Riding the train to work every morning is like being casted on a "Blind Date" episode, excluding the hot tub scenes and Robert Lodge's commentary. Each morning, you are confronted with a different cast of characters and you never know what you're...

Entry-Level Jobs

The most important thing to realize in a job search after college is that you don't know shit. Hiring managers couldn't care less about your two internships serving coffee, fetching dry-cleaning, and sucking corporate dick. Nor do they care that...