4 Things to Stop Doing By Now

With the recent Harry Potter movie release, I learned a lot about my fellow students/generation/people-I've-added-on-Facebook-but-barely-know.  Mostly things I wish I didn't know.  The following are things that you should no longer be...

A Conversation With Both My Hands Now That Righty Is Back

Me: Oh Righty, did you notice that you got some plates and screws in you?  You took a big dive for me that day, who knows what could've happened to me without you.Lefty: He's got bling now too?  Why don't I get bling?  This is...

How To Get Laid Tonight (A Choose Your Own Adventure Story)

  1 It's Friday and you're just getting off of class.  As you walk home, you wonder why you decided to go to class in the first place.  Friday lectures are always pointless, and you were still hungover from thirsty Thursday.&...

A Trip To Sam's Club (While High)

You: "Hey man, can you pay for my stuff on your card? I only got $12 singles on me."Your Roommate: "I'm broke dude, don't you remember?  I lost my job after I slept with my boss's daughter.  I was hoping you'd pay for this since you...

A Conversation With My Left Hand After Breaking My Right

Lefty: I'll be getting there man, don't worry.  And I won't go pulling stupid shit like Righty did and get broken.Me: Righty was trying to break my fall!  He was there for me to make sure the rest of me didn't get injured!Lefty: And look...

'Twas the Week Before Finals

How You Read Shane Davis' "How To Read Adam Sharaf's 'How You Read My "How You Read An "And What It Says About You" Article And What It Says About You" Article And What It Says About You' Article And What It Says About You" Article, And What It Says About

You noticed that Shane mistakenly used "To" instead of "You":You're a Grammar Nazi. But damn do I respect you.You are a normal person of average intelligence who occasionally looks at this site:You're already lost. In fact, your head may have...

3 Things The Bengals Should Do Now That Chad Johnson is Chad Ocho Cinco

1. Trade him to another team who has already retired #85, so he has to wear another number while still carrying the name Ocho Cinco2. Enroll him in Spanish classes, and make sure the first lesson is entitled "The actual way to say '85' in...

5 People Who Ruin Movies For Me

The dog days of summer are soon coming to an end, meaning the conclusion of the summer blockbuster season is soon approaching. Call me crazy, but despite the number of summer-movie classics that 2008 has begotten, I am not sad to see movie-going...

From the Desk of Peter Lubershane, Enchanted Elementary Guidance Counselor

As usual, many, many, many thanks to Happy Happy Happy Man, photoshopper at-large.

The Life and Times of Brett Favre

Brett: After I lead a pious life, full of selfless acts and unconditional charity, this is the treatment I get? You're willing to just let me vanish into the ether, become a mere memory? Trust me, I've got time left on this planet, there's nothing...

Problems on the Set of Batman

Christian Bale: We need to re-do that last scene, I need to be a lot more brooding and self-loathing for this...Christopher Nolan: Ok, let's take it from the top, in 3...2...1...Christian Bale: Alfred, bring me the schematics on the Joker's bike,...

A Mighty Morphin' Chatroom

How I Would Make "Independence Day" 2 1/2 Hours Shorter

The President (Bill Pullman): My God, we can't penetrate their shields! How will we ever defeat this alien scourge? I've been furrowing my brow and making all the motivational speeches I can, yet nothing has worked!Jeff Goldblum: Well sir, I...

How to get a Blumpkin (for dummies)

1. Go to a large house party with a few trustworthy guy friends. Make sure there are no girls you already know; you dont want to sabotage a chance at actually fucking around with one of them another night.2. Find a decent looking girl, a 5 or 6....

A CH Commenter Learns His Presidents

Hey, my vote didn't get counted!Thanks to Happy Happy Happy Man and Matt Gorman for their input.

3 Ways NOT to Get a Girl on Facebook

Over the past few months, Susanna Wolff has done a great job getting undeserving guys everywhere a little action with her great columns on how to get girls. While I can't offer any of the same wisdom, I can share with you guys 3 ways NOT to get a...

Oh the People I Meet (and the Sunglasses They Wear)

GET TO DA CHOPPA!

A Conversation between me and my Hip-Hop Studies 401 Professor

Me: Excuse me, Professor Kennedy, do you have a moment?Prof: Woah, woah, DJ K-Slane! Don't hit me with that slave name, I go by "Tha Docta!" What you know about that?Me: Sorry, Professor... Doctor... whatever... have you had a chance to go over my...