1

 

It's Friday and you're just getting off of class.  As you walk home, you wonder why you decided to go to class in the first place.  Friday lectures are always pointless, and you were still hungover from thirsty Thursday.  You realize what's done is done, and now it's time to get ready for the weekend.  John says he knows of someone's birthday party tonight, but first you guys are going to go get some food.  Where do you go?

 

-Taco Bell - Go to page 2

-McDonalds - Go to page 3

 

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2

 

You and John get in his car and head over there.  When you arrive, you order what you always order, 2 Volcano Taco's and Nacho Supreme.  As you eat your food you realize how bad your farts will smell later.  All of a sudden though, your stomach is wrenching like never before.  You go to the bathroom, and begin to feel the volcano truly erupting.  After 5 hours of pain, cries, and shouts to the Taco Bell gods, you realize that not only is the bathroom probably in a toxic state, but that John has left and you won't ever make it to the party tonight.

You are not getting laid.

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3

 

You and John get in his car and head over there.  When you arrive, you order what you always order, 3 things at random off the dollar menu.  You end up with a Double Cheeseburger, Ice Cream, and Soda.  You eat your food and head back to your place.  John calls over Megan, Sarah, Michelle, and Morgan.  Morgan is kind of a douche but Michelle and Sarah rely on him for something to do on weekends, and they are hot, so you kind of have to invite him.  You've never met Megan, but she seems like a whore.  It's about 9:00 and the party starts around 9:30.  John says it takes about 40 minutes to walk there.  What do you do?

 

-Pregame the party for 30 minutes - Go to page 4

-Head to the party - Go to page 5

 

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4

 

You pull out a few handles of liquor and some beer.  Michelle wants to play King's Cup, and everyone agrees, so you get some cards and your Bubba Keg.  You're drinking a strong Bacardi and Coke, John is drinking a Budweiser, Megan and Sarah are drinking some girly drink that has vodka in it, Michelle has a Gin and Tonic, and Morgan is taking pulls of UV.  As you guys play, everyone is getting increasingly drunk.  You pull the first King.  Thankfully you just refilled your drink and pour the entire glass in the Bubba Keg.  The next King is pulled by Morgan, he opts to pour about 5 shots of UV in the King's cup.  John pulls the third King and pours an entire can in the cup.  The mix is volatile, everyone is hoping not to pull the last one, knowing it will do them in for the night.  There's only two cards left.  It's you, and then Morgan.  Which card do you pull?

 

-Left Card - Go to page 8

- Right Card - Go to page 9

 

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5

 

You are all completely sober walking to the party.  Morgan is really starting to annoy you by making sure the spotlight is on him the whole way there.  You're the 2nd group at the party and Morgan's continually annoying you, and you become pissed.  After quickly drinking 5 beers you decide you can't take it anymore.

 

-Punch him in the face - Go to page 6

-Go stand off somewhere else until more people arrive - Go to page 7

 

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6

 

You hit him right under the eye!  But he fell to the ground and is bleeding.  People are starting to look at you like you're insane as you stand there over him.  All of a sudden the birthday girl comes and starts caring for him.  After a few minutes, she decides to kick you out.

You are not getting laid.

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7

 

Standing in the corner you begin to feel better as you can no longer hear him.  But, you can't hear anyone.  No one is still talking with you.  You stand there awkwardly wondering why you're alone.  You go over to the beer pong table and see if anyone wants to be on your team, but no one does.  You begin to feel even more awkward and start getting nervous.  You can't take it anymore, and decide to leave the party.

You are not getting laid.

===========================

8

 

Your hands are shaking as you touch the card, you slowly flip it over.  It's a 3!!!! You drink your Me and watch Morgan as he flips the King over.  He puts his head down in defeat and announces how he's not drinking that.  Everyone begins to call him out on it though and decide to not leave until he finishes it.  He chugs it down, and it clearly isn't sitting well in his stomach.  You all leave for the party and half way there Morgan stops to throw up.  He decides to go home for the night.  You arrive to the party at 10:15 and the basement is packed.  Over by the kegs you see who must be the birthday girl.  John introduces you to her.  Her name is Katie.  As you drink some beer, she asks you what you're majoring in.

 

-Lie and say you are a Communication Arts major, knowing she is - Go to page 10

-Tell the truth and say you are Biology and Pre-Med - Go to page 11

 

===========================

9

 

Your hands are shaking as you touch the card, you slowly flip it over.  It's the King!  You stare down the Bubba Keg, and it looks like a witch's cauldron, filled with a poison to take you out for the night.  You drink it down, but it's not sitting well.  You decide to try to make it to the party, stumbling on your way out.  Nearly instantly you puke on the sidewalk, and head back to your place.

You are not getting laid.

===========================

10

 

She responds with a look of confusion.  She knows nearly everyone in her year that is a Comm Arts major since the classes are small.  You try to recover by saying you are a year older than her, but she's not buying it.  Mad that you lied to her, she leaves you.

You are not getting laid.

===========================

11

 

She responds blankly, not caring about your major is in actuality.  After a few more drinks and talking back and forth, you guys head closer to the speakers and start dancing.  She's having a blast and you are doing everything you can to control your excitement.  After a few minutes she turns around and starts making out with you.  All of a sudden her friend comes over to "talk" to her.  You know what's going on and quickly need to think of something.  After looking around you see that only John and Sarah are available.

 

-Wave down John - Go to page 12

-Wave down Sarah - Go to page 13

 

===========================

12

 

John comes over and you explain how you desperately need a wingman.  John heads over to Katie and her friend and you follow.  But, what's going on?  John is failing to detach this mother hen from Katie.  You can see he's trying his best but nothing he's doing is working.  She keeps a good latch on Katie, making sure you don't end up with her for the rest of the night.

You are not getting laid.

===========================

13

 

Sarah comes over and you explain the situation to her.  Sarah is pretty trashed right now, and you're hoping her drunken bi-curiousness doesn't come out.  You head over to Katie and her friend with Sarah.  Things aren't going well, Sarah is making it obvious that she secretly wants to go experiment with this mother hen.  You begin to feel that feeling you know too well.  But wait, what's this?  The mother hen is starting to become interested.  Her and Sarah head off in the other direction.  Katie has returned to you and thanks you for finding a girl for her lesbian friend!  Who would've known!  She is so grateful because her lesbian friend has been so sad lately after her last break up, and Katie is ready to do anything with you!  You go back to the dance floor and after a little while Katie brings you up to her room.

 

Congratulations, you successfully got laid!

OMG DIS GAI JUST HIT ME IN DA HED WIT SUM POPCORN LOLZ

Daddy, what is Spiderman doing with that girl? Upside down?

2. The Deadbeat Parent

3. Middle Schoolers
This may seem like a broad generalization, but any true summer movie connoisseur will join in my bemoaning of the acne-stricken set.

Oh man, we're so hood. Sneaking into PG-13 movies, no biggie.

For the love of Vishnu, get a room you two! OTHER than this theater, you two!

4. The Couple
As I mentioned in the last section, some people come to the movies for dates, and occasionally, things might get a little hot and heavy. While I hardly consider myself a cock-block, if your action gets in the way of my enjoyment of a film, there's an issue. I'm all for sitting in the handicapped seat of the theater, getting a discreet hand job through the hole in the popcorn bucket. But sitting front and center, occupying only one seat, and yelling out dirty talk in various dead languages is over the top. If I want to see boobs in a movie, I'll just wait for the next direct-to-DVD installment from the American Pie or National Lampoon franchises.

5. The Applause-o-meter
There is literally nothing more annoying than sitting in the middle of a movie, hearing a particularly enjoyable line, then having the next 3 lines ruined because the mindless drones of the audience begin to applaud and whoop wildly like they're at a Cirque Du Soleil performance.

If you're happy and you know it, shut the f*ck up!

I would retire, but then what would John Madden have to talk about?

Irv Favre: Ok guys, we're about to cross the George Washington bridge during rush-hour traffic. Does anyone need to go to the bathroom before we get on?

Brett: I'll be fine Dad; you don't need to worry about me.

Irv: Are you sure Brett? You've been pretty quiet back there, and you didn't use the bathroom when we were driving through upstate.

Brett: Don't worry, I'm good for now. I've only had one Capri Sun since the last rest stop, and my bladder remains blissfully empty.

30 minutes later

Brett: Dad, I changed my mind, I really need to go.

Irv: Brett, we're in the middle of the bridge! There are cars on either side of me, and no exits for a few miles. Can you just wait?

Brett: What, I'm the quietest kid in the back seat, I never spill my juice box, I never ask whether we're there yet, and this is the treatment you give me?

Irv: I'm sorry son, but we can't do anything about it at this point in time. You told me you didn't have to piss, and so we moved on. What more can I say?

...

Irv: Oh SWEET CHRIST, WHAT IS THAT SMELL?

Wow, I need to ge production on "Blue Streak 2" started. Like, now.

Christopher Nolan: SECURITY!

Heath Ledger: Thank God we're done for today, I'm exhausted...

So our technology kinda blows, big whoop, wanna fight about it?

Jeff Goldblum: Well sir, I believe if we fly into the mothership, and upload a virus, we can effectively disable their shield for a matter of minutes and stage a massive, coordinated att-

Drunk Pilot Dude (Randy Quaid): Look, the ship is opening up to fire! I'm gonna fly my plane right into it and jam its firing mechanism like a kidney stone stuck in a dude's urethra! Despite my rampant alcoholism and lack of care for my children, I am entirely trustworthy for this mission!

Jeff Goldblum: That's preposterous, there's no way that this advanced alien race could possibly overlook such an obvious technological error, we mu-

Drunk dude: Time's up! Let's do this! Raaaaaaaaaaaaaandyyyy Quaaaaaaiiiiiiddd (flies plane into alien pee-hole, ship explodes.)

Will Smith: Welcome to Earth, bitch!

Roll Credits

4. Say that its crowded and you cant hear her excited response to your clever remark about Sex in the City. Inch closer to the bathroom.

5. Get this bitch drunk. Give her some shitty pink vodka mixed drink. Whatever.

6. Now the key point: Your legs hurt from running, (miles and miles, cause you're hardcore like that) and you need to sit down. Move towards the bathroom.

7. Get in a stall; you'll probably have to make out with her on the way there to trick her into the stall. Sit down and push her (probably gross looking) face on your dick.

8. Important: DO NOT FART BEFORE YOU SHIT! Go for the instant shit, you have to force it in this situation. You are the Robert Horry of shitting. Visualize and Attack.

9. Shit! Push that bitch off you, if she isnt already crawling away in disgust. Run into the party yelling that you got a blumpkin. Make sure your friends see the girl running away in disgust, this is your proof.

10. Tell everyone, make it a facebook status update, never talk to the blumpkin girl again, or ever go to that house again. If possible, do this in a city you dont live in. Run for Student Body President.

Good Luck, and Happy Shitting!

George Washington

F1RST!!!

Alison Becker is out helping poor people, or something lame like that, so instead, it will be me bringing you all the latest and greatest from the hottest locale in the South Pacific. Hang on to your Dharma-issued hats, it's time for LOST.

Here's what went down, in the odometer of an old sports car.

Over the past few months, Susanna Wolff has done a great job getting undeserving guys everywhere a little action with her great columns on how to get girls. While I can't offer any of the same wisdom, I can share with you guys 3 ways NOT to get a girl on Facebook. Observe:
1. The Faux-Facebook Event For Your "Lost Phone."