I am currently serving a one (1) semester suspension. This was my closing statement:

I am leaving school regardless of this hearing’s outcome. But, whatever you decide, whether in my favor or against, I am better for having spent three years at Western New England College. Not in the self righteous, academic, I’m-better-prepared-to-face-the-world type of way. Rather, in the I’ve partied my ass off, consumed way more alcohol than recommended by the surgeon general, and been with far more girls than I deserve type of way. If nothing else I’ve made friends that will last my lifetime, and have a few more stories to tell my kids.

There’s no doubt I’ll leave this school with a few people scratching their heads, and even more shaking theirs in disapproval. However, I take solace in knowing that in forty years no one will remember the classes they took or the people that sit before me today. They’ll remember bong rips and beer bongs, kegs and keg stands, waking up in unfamiliar places next to unfamiliar faces, puking, fighting, fornicating. They’ll remember house parties and being carried home, thirties of Busch and Keystone, that blonde freshman, bare breasts and bare-ly any self control. But most importantly, they’ll remember the characters they met and the wild nights that gave way to the sunrise; and I’d be willing to bet more than one of them will regale their children with a little Bill Gutekunst folk lore that will end with, “And that’s the craziest son of a bitch I’ve ever known.”

So with this another chapter of my life is concluded. It’s been inexorably more fun than it’s been productive.

Within a week of posting each letter on CollegeHumor I was summoned to the Assistant Dean of Students' office, told to read the second letter aloud, and warned by the Ass. Dean that she "better not see anything written about this meeting or about me" on CollegeHumor or elsewhere. Well, here it is Maureen Keizer. Back and better than ever.


Dear Appeal Review Board,

This is my written appeal to the matter discussed earlier this week relative to the incident which took place on Wednesday, November 15, 2006 which caused my removal from campus housing.

I would first like to express my most sincere apologies and accept full responsibility for my participation in this inappropriate and unfortunate incident. Without question, it was a deplorable instance of bad judgment. I very conscious of the embarrassment this situation has caused the college, its students, and staff. I am also aware that being a student here is a privilege, and should be treated as such. As a third year student I should have exercised judgment congruent with that status.

As I have expressed before, I would be more than willing to volunteer my services to the college in any capacity. Despite my poor decision in this instant, I feel I could be a very positive and helpful presence on campus. It is my honest desire to atone for the trouble I’ve caused the school.

I truly appreciate this opportunity to appeal my removal from campus housing. Thank you for spending the time to review the initial ruling. Regardless of your final decision, I have learned a valuable lesson that will not be forgotten.

Sincerely,

William A. Gutekunst


and then...


November 29, 2006
Appeal Review Board
Western New England College
Springfield, MA 01119-2684

Dear Appeal Review Board,

This is my written appeal to the matter discussed earlier this week relative to the incident which took place on Wednesday, November 15, 2006 which caused my removal from campus housing. Well actually, it’s less of an appeal, and more of a letter to say thank you.

I would first like to express my most sincere gratitude to everyone involved in this decision. I truly appreciate all the opportunities you are affording me by giving my ass the boot. In addition to saving over $3000, I will now have a larger room, no roommate, 200 television channels, and the ability to impress freshmen girls with my off campus apartment. Most importantly, however, I will no longer be bound by the strictures of the school’s insanely asinine regulations enforced by your over zealous, under educated staff.

Additionally, I very conscious of the hilarity this situation has provided for the students at an otherwise mind numbingly mundane institution. As a third year student, I should have done this years ago, and for that I apologize. As I have expressed before, I would be more than willing to volunteer my services to the students by throwing parties at my new place. It is my honest desire to make this place suck a lot less, even as the Dean of Fun Control attempts to quell my rebellion.

As I have expressed before, I truly appreciate this opportunity to extend my partying into the community. With a larger residence outside the jurisdiction of these geriatric, cantankerous clodhoppers, I am now able to offer more unsatisfied students the opportunity to get drunk and bang fat girls.

Sincerely,

William “The Gute” Gutekunst