CollegeHumor: Washington University Stuff

this guy

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 18:37:31 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1907346"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/6/collegehumor.bd97dc36803f512999b80c06ff7ac4ca.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1332281">Sebastian</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

How the Vice Presidential Canidates Were Really Chosen

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 17:48:05 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Its been six months since the election and I have finally been allowed to share how the V.P picks were made for each canidate.The following are transcripts of tapes secretly recorded while each presidential candidate chose thier running mate.

The McCain Tapes

Advisor #1: John we need to talk about who your vp pick is going to be

McCain: How about Lieberman, I love Joe Lieberman

Everyone: (hysterical laughter)

Advisor #1: But seriously who do you have in mind?

McCain: Well, what about Mitt Romney?

Advisor #1: Yeah that sounds like a good idea, a solid intelligent candidate who has a lot of financial experience.

Advisor #2: Hold up! You guys are looking at this in the wrong way. The G.O.P is failing because it is no longer the grand old party but grandpa' s old party. As a party we've gone limp gentlemen let's face it. We need new blood, we need new ideas, we need political Viagra. That's why we need to go with a woman.

McCain: But women can't vote

Advisor#1: Actually sir they got the right to vote around your 60th birthday.

McCain: Ah, yes I remember that glorious year.

Advisor#2: Listen, back to the candidate pick, we need someone with sex appeal, someone who the American people can look at for more than five seconds before wanting to throw up

McCain: But ... I am attractive, see

Advisor#1: What's happening is he having a stroke?

Advisor #2: No I think he's trying to smile

Advisor#1: Make it STOP!!!!

Advisor #2: This is why I want to go with Sarah Palin.

McCain and Advisor #1: Who?

Advisor#2: Sarah Palin! You know winner of Ms.Wassilla!Governor of Alaska?

Advisor #1: Wait let me see a picture of her... Well she is pretty sexy and John you know America loves a sexy face... John,John!

Advisor#2: His face just froze from smiling, give him asecond... and we are good

McCain: Wait what about her experience, I mean I am running on a platform of experience.

Advisor#1: Sir every great team has its differences like peanut butter and jelly, eggs and bacon, ice cream and pie. She's your Starsky to your Hutch, your Speedracer to your Mach 5, your Nickelodeon to your green slime. It's a winning combination.

McCain: Well your combination of food and television based metaphors has me convinced. How long until we can contact her?

Advisor #2: We can call her right now.

McCain: Call her?

Advisor #2: Its like a telegraph only with sound.

McCain: Telegraph?

Advisor#1: Its like the pony express only with wires

McCain: Oh! Lets make a women I just heard of the potential next president of the United States.

The Obama Tapes

Advisor #1: How are you doing today Barack?

Barack: I'm good, just re-reading the Communist Manifesto.

Advisor#2: Down with the proletariat!

Advisor#1: Not now! Sir we need to talk with you about something.

Barack: Come on. How long have you been on the campaign trail with me call me by my real name: Ben Hershel Obenstien

Advisor #3:Wait you are Jewish?

Advisor #2: You didn't know

Advisor #3: (gulp)

Advisor#1: Now that you know this information we cannot let you leave the room.

(Choking sounds are heard)

Advisor#1: Okay Ben now that that's done, who are you thinking of for your VP pick

Barack: Maybe Al Gore

Advisor#2: He's busy in Antarctica, those polar ice caps won't melt themselves you know.

Barack: Hilary?

Advisor#1: Pure evil.

Barack: Biden?

Advisor#1: Well he does talk about himself in the third person a lot.

Advisor #2: That just means he knows what he's talking about

Barack: I want my running mate to be a person who isn't afraid of arguing with me even if he refers to himself in the third person. A man so overly confident in himself that he doesn't care how much of an ass he looks like when he talks about himself in the third person.

Advisor #1: Alright I'll call him up

Barack: Well I'm off to shul, invite Biden over for Shabbat some time, oh and save the date of December 15 its Malia's bat mitzvah.

Advisor #2: What are we going to do with the body?

Advisor #1: Give it to Kucinich he'll know what to do.

The Bob Barr Tapes

Advisor 1: Sir we have someone on the line who says they really hate the American government.

Barr: What's his name?

Advisor #1: Osama bin something ...I'm not sure.

Barr: He doesn't like the U.S government

Advisor #1: Yeah, he really hates it. Like really.

Barr: What are his views on gun control?

Advisor #1: He seems really into guns.

Barr: Tell him that he is now the running mate for the Libertarian party ticket!

The Nader Tapes

Advisor #1: Sir we need to talk about your V.P pick

Nader: Don't worry I have already decided how I am going to choose my running mate.

Advisor#2: How sir?

Nader: When the sun is highest in the sky I shall strip off all my clothing and walk naked into the nearest patch of woods. There I shall injest large quantities of acid.

Advisor #1: Wait... What?

Nader: Oh yes, and you shall follow me as well to watch me.

Advisor#1: Do I have to be naked and take a lot of acid aswell?

Nader: Do you have to be naked and take lots of acid? Oh course you do! We're the freakin green party naked acid trips are at the top of our agenda! Anyways as I was saying, once I drop the acid you shall record the first sound I make, then when the moon is int he seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars you shall find a blue phone book and find a last name that rhymes with the sound I said. That shall be my running mate.

Advisor#2: This is ridiculous!

Nader: Its better then how the rest of them are deciding it.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1491917"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/5/1/collegehumor.3dcd92358ee63f89e235acb12c276025.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1491917">Mike Friend</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Epic Jumbotron Dance at Celtics Game

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 21:59:57 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1899171"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/3/0/collegehumor.82f69b63e5a65c371d5dcb70ac25cc5d.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1424357">Devon</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 11 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The first flaming shot..... ever

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 22:00:08 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1896510"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/e/e/collegehumor.931ddd8e111e06b904efe56e05fb90e7.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:39591">Shanty</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1896510">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Stayin' Alive - On My Hands

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 21:19:23 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1824962"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/1/0/collegehumor.cf2c2081890b31ff4a67f630401d548f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1698551">Jon</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Shocker

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 00:14:22 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1795622"><img src="http://7.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/e/collegehumor.7e02f5b6160e4750780df70ecd25cb45.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1426571">Steve</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Mickey Mouse Beach Patrol was the Shit.

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 22:32:48 -0500

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1789425"><img src="http://4.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/9/f/collegehumor.832549499a0223a806ce912f35ecb02f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:42695">Ben</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1789425">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Do they have Halloween in Iran?

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 18:53:00 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1785095"><img src="http://9.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/6/collegehumor.af3138d0cb1510a2f2c627d62606b2d9.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:116194">Ben Y</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 14 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Schmucks?

Sat, 20 Oct 2007 08:25:00 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1781007"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/5/e/collegehumor.80ecba85f1e7278c4233b97e3ef4d33b.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:41744">Keith Black</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 8 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

"It wasn't until a week later that I found out that this picture went on all of the teachers' rosters."

Thu, 11 Oct 2007 12:28:46 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1778933"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/4/collegehumor.b5c9f4c43ad10a2b5ce75324def181d2.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:8711">Brad</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 755 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Mt. Buttmore?

Sun, 30 Sep 2007 13:28:38 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1778103"><img src="http://2.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/7/4/collegehumor.2257ba57a6ca2fffd79e12d4a9fc2f33.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:820499">mike</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1778103">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Ouch...

Sun, 12 Aug 2007 15:49:39 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1770879"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/3/a/collegehumor.c7abf0430984d14b13428e5a25d5aa98.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:517580">Mark D.</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1770879">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Throwing Diet Coke + Mentos off a Roof

Sun, 29 Jul 2007 21:48:29 -0400

<table><tr><td> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1769201"><img src="http://5.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/1/collegehumor.b35166cc93037072a10441f1c3b3a3fa.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> <p>Uploaded by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:42695">Ben</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> </p> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Morning After: 24 -- Finale

Tue, 22 May 2007 02:07:14 -0400

It’s 4:00 am in post-quasiapocalyptic Los Angeles, meaning nobody’s up except for people with shitty jobs, stoners looking for Del Taco, and the cast of 24.� The situation is grim: Cheng’s getting his component fixed, the Russians are pissed, Josh is about to get shipped to China and probably get molested by Papa Bauer, and I have no idea what’s happened on Heroes since January.� Only three things give me hope: Milo is still dead, Nadia’s sticking with the tight black sweater, and Jack Bauer is on the motherfucking case.�

Jack starts the episode in CTU custody, but it’s the kind of custody where they let you call the White House and anyone else you want, so he calls everyone to explain that the plan to give up Josh to Dad Bauer for the component is fucked up.� Karen agrees and with some surprising finesse, gets CTU access and calls Buchanan for his help.� Buchanan is busy watching the FBI pack up his house, so he’s down with whatever.�

Buchanan springs Jack, and they’re off to fuck up the exchange.� Doyle, who apparently is not interested in Morris’ opinion on the situation, is hanging out with Josh at the beach.� When he’s informed that he’ll have to face Jack and Buchanan alone, his response is a hilariously unconvincing, “I’ll be fine.”� Do we drink when Doyle says, “Dammit!”?� Yes, yes we do.

At CTU, Marylin is freaking out, Nadia is somehow getting hotter as the day goes on, Chloe falls down a flight of stairs and finds out she’s pregnant, and Milo’s brother Stuart comes by to pick up his body.� I guess he didn’t want all of it, since he didn’t have a mop.

On the beach, Dad’s goons show up by boat, and hand Doyle what is supposed to be the component – and the thing blows up in his face!� Why didn’t they just shoot Doyle?� Who knows.� Jack and Buchanan arrive, but can’t shoot without risking Josh, and he’s spirited away.� Doyle is blind in one or both eyes, leaving the possibility in Day 7 of Doyle rocking an eye patch, which could either look very cool or totally ridiculous.�

Anyway, Josh gets taken to an offshore oil platform, which as we learned in Diamonds are Forever, is a great place for a final shootout.� Knowing that they’re low on time since Powers has promised the Russians he’ll blow the rig up with an airstrike (an odd choice which will leave him with no way of proving that the chip has been recovered), Buchanan and Jack take over with style, commandeering a chopper and heading out to the rig where Dad, Cheng, and their remaining henchmen are hanging out waiting for a Chinese sub.� The Chinese are smart enough to try to use cover as the chopper approaches, but are stupid enough to hide behind barrels that explode (what, they forgot to pirate Doom?), so a few shots from Jack are enough to blow most of these fuckers to hell and roast the left half of Cheng’s face.� Jack goes below to find Josh and kill everyone else.�

He’s a little late – Josh, who does not like movies about gladiators, is about to get thrown onto the raft thing again to meet the sub, but he takes a wrench and cracks Dad’s head open and takes his gun.� Dad is incorrect in his theory that Josh will not shoot him, and he is continually reminded of how wrong he was by the gaping hole in his chest for the rest of the show.� Jack talks Josh down, verbally abuses Dad, and with a Matrixy jump onto the chopper’s rope ladder, escapes the exploding rig with Buchanan, Josh, and New Crispy-style Cheng.� War is averted, Powers drops all charges against Karen and Buchanan, etc.

In a quality denouement, Jack jumps off the ladder before shore and runs off into the hills.� Cut to the Heller residence, where Jack sneaks up on Heller, whose body appears to be swelling at the same rate his old Yoda-head is shrinking.� Jack asks a tough but fair question about why the fuck Heller didn’t get him out of China, and I don’t think he ever got an adequate answer.� Jack’s idea is to take Audrey away and start over, and there isn’t much Heller can do except convince Jack that he can’t really give her a good life at this point.� Jack visits Audrey’s bedside, and surprisingly (1) does not get smacked on the head with a lamp by Heller and (2) tells Audrey he loves her and has to let her go.� Jack leaves the house by the wrong exit, winding up on the back porch looking out at the ocean.� Instead of leaping to his death or something, he stands there, fading to black and a silent countdown.� I assume he’s going to just walk the earth, like Kane in Kung Fu.

In the final analysis, it looks at first glance like Jack was putting himself ahead of the country for the first time, but it’s really not the case.� This country was built on guns, tits, and not taking crap from foreigners (it’s right there in the Constitution, check it out sometime, comrade).�

It was not built on scheming with the fucking Russians who are too drunk to keep track of their own suitcase nukes and a Chinese guy with an overdeveloped sense of vengeance to hand some kid in a sweater over to a sociopathic pederast.� By interfering with this bullshit plan, Jack was simply getting America’s priorities back into whack.� Jack loves America.� Part of that love means disobeying orders from the idiots in charge, which is ironically the most American thing anyone can do.� I already can’t wait for Day 7.

Best shot of the episode: When Josh gets to the rig, Dad gives a weird look out at the beach for no reason, sort of holding his head like he just sensed something.� Jack looks back with a weird look, too.� It was exactly like the mind-shit that Darth Vader was pulling on Luke in Empire.

Moment of Gravitas: Jack to Heller, on his plan:� “I’ll disappear.� I’m pretty good at that.� If you send someone after us, I’ll kill them.� I’m pretty good at that, too.”� Heller’s Depends were probably full by this point.

Final Proposed Kimeo: Once the dust settles, Mandy exits the Whiskey, visibly pissed that she had no role in the day’s events.� Kim, dressed like she’s just joined the X-Men, pulls up in the 1970 Dodge Challenger that Fillion had in Drive (you cancel Drive, but you’re cool with Foxworthy quizzing people on that fifth grader shit?� fuck you, Fox) and pushes the passenger door open.� Mandy lights and drags a cigarette, and asks, “What time is it?”� Kim’s response: “It’s go time.”� Mandy gets in, and the two head off into the dawn to do god knows what.

Awesome Picture I Didn’t Find Until It Was Too Late: Fayed, in Mortal Kombat mode.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/1/collegehumor.7364fe4cdba0083c2d27dfe152e11263.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-05-22 02:07:14 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479">Chris Craft</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1731644">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Morning After: 24 (5/14)

Tue, 15 May 2007 02:32:58 -0400

The ep opens with a pretty badass sequence of events at CTU.� You knew the Chinese dudes really hadn’t thought this thing through, considering that they kept walking through shitwater on the way over when they could have avoided it all by walking on the side things, so their demise comes as no shock.� Liu bitch-slaps Nadia and the hostages are verbally abused while Josh gets spirited away to appease Phillip Bauer.�

Jack and Nadia organize a prison break, with Jack breaking Liu’s neck and Nadia somehow keeping a guy from shooting her in the face with an M16 until Doyle busts in and shoots the dude.� It was really pretty badass on Nadia’s part.� Think it, if you were sitting on the couch with Nadia, you could probably throw her over the back with one hand, but here she is, handling Chinese mercenary guy?� Cool, yet hot.�

In the meantime, Cheng gets his little mitts on Josh and chats up Papa Bauer, who remains creepy.�

When Phillip tells Josh the whole plan is to go to China, Josh has some thinking to do.� On the one hand, he’s set up to be a rich white kid in China, and that can’t be bad from the booty angle.� On the flip side, Papa tells Josh to “keep an open mind”, so he’s got to expect his pee-pee to get wrongfully touched at some point.� Josh makes a break for it in a rooftop chase scene, Cheng is pissed, and Jack gets Cheng in his sights for a moment – but there’s just enough of a pause for Josh to lose his grip on a pipe and for Cheng to magically disappear like he’s the sixth Deadly Venom or something.� Jack rescues Josh (similar to Kim for his ability to get imperiled, dissimilar for obvious reasons) for a brief while.

Washington is still bullshit.� Lennox is exposed to the bad porn that is Lisa Miller vs. Mark Bishop, and is visibly annoyed.� Bishop notes that Lisa is extra cold in the sack, so Lisa smacks him in the face with a wine glass.� After strangling Lisa, Bishop gets taken down by the feds, and he plays ball with the ruse. Unfortunately, the Russians are savvy, and don’t buy Powers’ chicanery, demanding proof that the component is recovered, or else they’ll blow some shit up.� Instead of threatening the Russians with the Lisa sex-tape,

Powers calls in the chiefs to explain to him that our supposed central Asian base is probably toast.� Suvarov gives Powers two hours to come up with the component or it’s adios to Tashkent-com.� Meanwhile, Lisa could be brain-damaged due to lack of oxygen to the brain during her recent strangling, which may lead to symptoms such as never changing facial expressions or being unresponsive during sex.� In other words, she’ll be the same.

Anyway, since the Chinese lost Josh, they don’t have shit on Papa Bauer, so he calls Powers to broker the deal, the component for Josh and a ticket out.� Powers is down with it, and Josh is nabbed by Doyle as Jack is restrained.� Division fuckheads take over CTU, but everyone tells Nadia that she’s hot and shouldn’t take shit from anyone.� I agree.

Off-Season Romance Update:� Marylin is clearly setting herself up to be Jack’s off-season disastrous romance, but is this a good call?� Sure, it always seems like a good idea to get back together with an ex after being taken hostage by slicky-boy Asian mercenaries, but has she really thought it through?� If Marylin had used some of her downtime at CTU to check out Jack’s file (Appendix D - The Ladies), she would quickly savvy to the concept that hooking up with this guy is a losing proposition.� The only survivor so far was the spicy desert-cougar from the start of Day 5, and even she’s got to be looking over her gently-freckled shoulder by now.� Marylin should be surfing J-Date before making any final call.�

Major character deathwatch: Mostly, it seems like a no-brainer from the

preview, so check YouTube for spoilers here.� However, I don’t think Chloe is going down, it’s too obvious.� Or is it?� Let us know whom you think is going down at craftinvegas@gmail.com!� Or don’t, that’s fine.�

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/1/collegehumor.7364fe4cdba0083c2d27dfe152e11263.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-05-15 02:32:58 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479">Chris Craft</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1730839">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Morning After: 24 (5/7)

Tue, 08 May 2007 02:01:18 -0400

The Chinese shit has hit the fan.� Doyle’s investigation of the Bloomfield copperworks comes up empty, as Cheng has met up with Liu Diamond Phillips and some other extras from Tokyo Drift at yet another abandoned location a few feet from CTU.� Cheng’s plan, for these guys to raid CTU, probably kill some people, and get something, is audacious but not entirely stupid.� CTU has already lost about a thousand dudes so far today, and the rest of them are off following obviously false leads.� So, they bust in through the sewer and take everyone hostage.� Liu’s first demand is to know who’s in charge.� In a last ditch effort to sleep with Nadia, Milo says it’s him.� This was apparently the wrong move, as he is immediately dead, shot to the five-head, and he spends the rest of the show laying on the floor.� Suddenly 24 is Die Hard, with Chinese instead of Germans, and Jack instead of Bruce Willis.� Jack works his way around CTU killing Cheng’s goons (they should have put some of this FPS-style, but still it will definitely do), and temporarily rescues Marylin and a suddenly-emo Josh, who apparently is the target of the whole operation.� More on this in a moment.

But first, can you believe the balls on these Chinese bastards?� And seriously, how pissed off can Cheng Zhi really be about the death of the Chinese consul in Day 4?�

It’s not like you’re exactly running short of Chinese dudes to replace the guy.� Wouldn’t you expect that kidnaping/torturing Jack, brainfucking Audrey, and starting a war between America and Russia would be enough?� Not for Cheng, my friend.� He’s basically a Chinese Keyser Soze at this point.�

Washington is, as usual, a festering mess of sex you don’t want to see and other filler.� Lisa goes back to sex up Mark Bishop and create the subterfuge that the Russian component has been destroyed, but is unconvincing, even by her icy, thick-calved, bottom shelf Nicollette Sheridan lizard-woman standards.� She looks to be about a 38A.

Back at CTU, just as Jack shoves Josh into an air duct, he and Marylin are captured and taken to Liu, who threatens to kill Marylin if Josh doesn’t get out of the fucking ducts, because crawling through a bunch of dusty-ass ducts is going to totally mess up Liu’s slick-Asian Fast/Furious vibe.�

Josh caves (Jack would have done the same) to save mom, and he’s captured as well.� Everyone’s brain explodes at once as Cheng reveals that it’s not Josh that’s some sort of computer genius to fix the chip . . . but Jack’s dad is!� Papa Bauer has sold out to the Chinese, and he’s got a guy fixing the chip in exchange for Josh.� It’s almost unnecessary to make a joke about this guy wanting to molest Josh, isn’t it?

Actual Kimeo!� At last!� I don't care if it's just a commercial for something else.� She’s hot, she’s imperiled . . . she’s Kim!� Elisha Cuthbert stars in the upcoming “Captivity”, a film in which Kim is chesty and locked in a big glass room that is rapidly filling with sand.� And you’re probably down with it, you sick bastards.

Ethnic stereotype update: Seems like a bit of a stretch that the Chinese can’t find a guy with the “expertise” to make the Russian chip work.� Have they tried every Chinese guy I’ve ever met?� Also, I found the assault on CTU to lack the Chinese’s trademark subtlety, it’s more something I’d expect from Fayed or maybe the Vikings.

Do you have a recommendation for CTU improving their internal security?� Like maybe putting someone on the roof with a five-iron to make sure no terrorists plots occur within 200 yards of the joint?� We want to hear from you.� Ish.� At craftinvegas@gmail.com!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/1/collegehumor.7364fe4cdba0083c2d27dfe152e11263.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-05-08 02:01:18 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479">Chris Craft</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Morning After: 24 (4/30)

Tue, 01 May 2007 02:03:56 -0400

This episode was so good that even Washington was interesting.� Powers takes a call from Russian President Suvarov, who subtly informs him that (1) he knows that the Chinese have the component thing, (2) that we have a military base in Central Asia (what? where?), and (3) that if we don’t fix number (1), he’s going to fucking destroy number (2).� Powers has the right answer, that none of this would have happened if the Russians kept tabs on Boris the Blade, who a few hours ago almost blew up California, but no dice, it’s almost WW3 all over again.� There’s no way the Russians should have known about the Chinese or the component, so Lennox suspects a spy, and pretty much instantly discovers it’s some lobbyist named Mark who gave Lisa Miller a spicy eight-minute bone in the first part of the show!� More great work by the CIA, by the way, who apparently knew this guy was working for the Russians a couple years ago but let it slide.� Go back to leaning on your shovels, assholes.� Later on, Lisa returns to the White House for some very creepy breathing by Powers, now in full-on Senator Roark mode, who calls her on her sexual treason and threatens to throw the icy bitch in an old refrigerator if she doesn’t work with Lennox to un-fuck this whole debacle.�

Cheng Zhi is driving around in the wilderness of Los Angeles County, holding his little component in his hand and talking on the phone.� His computer guy finds out the thing is damaged (Cheng, come on, it’s basically a computer chip which you’ve been holding in your hand while driving in a Humvee over rough terrain – what the hell did you expect?), and it’s useless without someone who can bypass

the security code, prompting everyone watching to suddenly be very concerned as to Morris’ whereabouts.� For the love of god, Morris, please get drunk and knock yourself out until this blows over.� Cheng (whom everyone calls “Chang” now) is pissed about the� computer chip, and, from the preview, it looks like the Chinese are very, very serious about finding someone to fix the thing.

The main story at CTU is the rise of Nadia, and it’s about damn time.� Filling out the pants of authority with peppy aplomb, Nadia doesn’t care if the fucking system is overloaded, she doesn’t give a crap about Morris’ personal problems with Chloe, she thinks Karen’s firing of Buchanan was bullshit, and oh, Milo?� When Mike gets here, send him to meet me in medical, bitch.� Nadia’s only mistake is not to immediately trust Jack, who has been brought back to CTU with Audrey and wants to talk to her.� Nadia, come on, the first rule of running CTU is that Jack is always right (rule two, as always, is that you do not talk about Fight Club).� Jack’s locked up while Nadia lets the “doctors” from Division check out Audrey (the prognosis? she’s a mess).� Before Division can force Audrey conscious and probably kill her, Mike springs Jack and Jack rescues Audrey.�

I can’t imagine any of CTU’s internal security guys really want to be the first one to find Jack, so he has time to coax some consciousness out of Audrey, who gives up “Bloomfield” as a Cheng-clue.� After a couple of seconds, they find out that Bloomfield is a copper plant, and Audrey’s covered in copper dust, so there ya go.� Nadia shuts down the Division guys and gets kudos from Doyle.� I’m liking CTU with Nadia wearing the pants, except that she’s literally wearing the pants.�

Moment of Gravitas: At the close of the show, Secretary Heller shows up to take Audrey home, but not before dropping by to visit Jack.� After telling Jack to stay away from Audrey forever, Heller puts his forehead on ultra-wrinkle and sneers, “You’re cursed, Jack.� Everyone you touch one way or another ends up dead.”� With gravitas like that, you don’t even have a response... Such as, you know, why are you in a suit at 2:00 am?� Or, where the fuck were you when Audrey was getting her brain fried by Cheng?�

Chloe’s minute: Acceding to my demands for More Nadia, 24 had no choice but to reduce Chloe’s role to about a minute per hour.� This week, Morris makes her cry for telling him how he fucked up by arming nuclear weapons for terrorists last week.� Apparently, for Morris, it’s over.� Weren’t they divorced already?� Well, it’s double-over!� Unless the divorce was during one of Morris’ blackouts, technically, but that’s a stretch.� This paragraph was longer than Chloe’s entire script.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/1/collegehumor.7364fe4cdba0083c2d27dfe152e11263.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-05-01 02:03:56 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479">Chris Craft</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1729312">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Morning After: 24 (4/23, sucka)

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 02:25:57 -0400

Going into this episode, I was pretty sure that Jack would begin the process of wasting a shitload of Chinese dudes.� Yeah, he’s going to face some difficulties, but these fuckers are going down.� He was going to kill everyone for the two years of torture bullshit anyway, and the Audrey-napping put it over the top, right?� But then again, I also was pretty sure that Mirko Cro-Cop would not get his ass totally kicked by a Brazilian dude on Saturday, so who knows what the fuck is going on at this point.� I’m basically trying to expect the unexpected.� Did 24 deliver?� Yes, just like Chinese food is delivered.� This is not a racial slur, Chinese food actually is delivered regularly.� However, if someone feels like a racial slur is involved here, I would totally go on an apology tour, but instead of hanging with Al Sharpton in Queens, I’d be drinking in Hong Kong with Hsu Chi or something.� I’ll even wear an Imus wig if it will help this happen.� You don’t think I’m serious about this?� Then you don’t know me, foo.

Jack’s whole thing is to go after the Chinese guys and get Audrey back, though

I’m quite sure these assholes were going down whether they had her or not.� He’s got it covered, all with a block of C4 to blow the whole joint up, but now that Jack’s “gone rogue”, Doyle is on site to fuck it all up.� Audrey gets out of Cheng’s pimp limo (this limo should have been red with a big commie-sickle symbol on the hood, fuck I’d roll in that wag), Jack basically leaves a suicide-phone message with Bill, and all hell breaks loose.� CTU’s C-Team (the first few fifty teams having been killed, bringing the death toll for the day from 12,000 to 13,000 or so) shoots up a few Chinese, countered by a suspiciously-bearded Chinese guy blowing up a CTU chopper, but Cheng escapes really easily using the three-SUV trick from Playing God, which coincidentally also involved Chinese dudes.� They must have had a bootleg of it in advance.� Anyway, Jack gets arrested by Doyle, Cheng is gone, and Audrey is all kinds of fucked-up brain damaged.� Marylin’s stock is on the up.

Washington remains boring.� Powers bullies Lennox into being his bitch, and a black dude from the Department of Justice is demanding that either Karen Hayes or Bill Buchanan take the fall for having Fayed in custody last year and letting his crazy ass go.� Why is Karen so shocked about this?� If you’re delivering pizzas, for example, and your job includes not having the joint burn the fuck down, and the joint burns down, you’re god damn fired.� The good news is that at least for now, Nadia is in charge of CTU, so hopefully she’ll get back into a skirt and rock that sucka all over the premises.� Anyway, the black dude from DoJ better look out, this show kills more black dudes than the Texas judicial system.

The remainder of the show was spent with Powers Boothe

demanding anal from his robotic assistant Lisa.� She’s down, but who cares?� Old-people porn has never sold, it never will.�� Even old people don’t want to see old people doin’ it, it might as well be in the Constitution.�

Nadia’s minute: Things are looking up for Nadia, as Bill’s firing has put her in charge.� But the best part of the show was the continuing emasculation of Milo.� As Doyle “investigates” the spot where Jack ditched satellite tracking, he determines from about 10 feet of tracks that Jack is heading north on the 305.� Milo stupidly asks, “How did he know that?”, to which Nadia quips, “Because he figured it out.”� Milo basically should have just slammed his balls in a car door at this point for all the good they’re doing him. Christ, if his renewed efforts to hit on Chloe fall flat (likely), what’s he going to do?� Karen Hayes’ white-raisin ass?� Fuck you, Milo.� Later on, Nadia confirms that Doyle’s conclusions are correct.� She’s basically standing in a puddle at this point.

BONUS MORNING AFTER: DRIVE!� Basically it’s Cannonball Run, but with the guy from Firefly in the Burt Reynolds gig.� The white ho from Hustle & Flow is also in it.� This week, everyone gets/figures out a clue (same thing last week) and drives reckless across Georgia. Then again, since half the south is currently blowing a .18 or better, is this really newsworthy?� Whatever.� It’s actually a pretty cool show, though Mercia Monroe does not appear topless.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/1/collegehumor.7364fe4cdba0083c2d27dfe152e11263.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-04-24 02:25:57 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479">Chris Craft</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Morning After: 24 (4/16)

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 01:59:14 -0400

Well, unless the Cubans kidnap Jack’s dog or something in the next couple of hours, the rest of the day will be Jack vs. the Chinese.� As we found out last week, the Chinese have Audrey, and they want to trade her straight up for a piece of circuitry from one of the suitcase nukes that would allow the Chinese to screw with Russia by having access to all their military systems (as everyone on the show notes, the Russians would be none too pleased about this).� Chloe tries to help Jack, but gets busted by Morris and has to fess up to Buchanan, who foils Jack’s halfass plan to steal the thing.� Jack plays the trump card of calling Palmer, who owes Jack his ass and gives Jack’s plan – which involves giving the Chinese the component, getting Audrey back, and then killing the Chinese and/or exploding himself along with Cheng Zhi and the thing – the go-ahead.� I don’t care that Audrey has always looked a little like a young John Elway to me, the Chinese just went too far this time.�

When Jack finally gives Cheng the hard goodbye, it’s going to make Fayed’s strangulation-by-chain-thing death look like a hug from Jennifer Love Hewitt on Christmas morning by comparison.� And not some bullshit surfboard-leaning-against-the-wall hug either.� I lost track of what I was talking about.� Anyway, Doyle tries to give Jack crap about putting Audrey ahead of national security, but I think you can guess how far he got with that bullshit.� Doyle and some other CTU guys take off with Jack to make the swap/kill the Chinese.

Back in Washington, we get yet another dose of presidential power struggle.� Palmer puts the black back in blackmail, using Lennox’s tape of Powers and his assistant Lisa to force him to resign as Vice President.� After another creepy exchange with Lisa, who apparently hasn’t changed facial expressions since she got controlled by the aliens in “Invasion”, Powers writes up his resignation and probably has a few shots off-camera.�

Of course, before he can hand it over, Palmer holds a press conference to tell everyone to chill, but he fails to keep his pimp hand strong and collapses to the floor from a cerebral hemorrhage.� Palmer is definitely done for the day this time, you don’t walk away from shit like that after a strong cup of coffee.� So now it’s President Boothe, and his first act in office is to screw Jack.� The rescue mission is off, get him back to CTU, etc.� The funniest parts of the show are Buchanan telling his staff what’s up, them responding that Jack’s going to tell him to go to hell, and Buchanan saying, “I know.”� It’s good stuff.

Truth be told, Buchanan is in a weird spot.� He’s been around, so he knows that when you’re head of CTU, you'd better think hard about any decision to stand in Jack’s way.� Fight Jack, give him a bunch of crap, be a dick, etc., and you might wind up getting your head blown off by a dumpster like Chapelle.� Assist Jack and stay on his good side, like Tony Almeida did, and you might get some quality time with Michelle Dessler.� (Ok, sure, Dessler's a bad example given her past with Bill, but you get it.)� Think it through, Bill.

Bill walks the line here like a pro.� Technically following orders by ordering Doyle to bring Jack back, the order to “disarm Jack before he knows what's up” was an absolute joke that would never work under any circumstances whatsoever.� Doyle barely gets off the phone with Buchanan before Jack holds a gun to his face and abandons him by a fence off the side of the highway with no phone.� Jack will be going through with the mission alone, which is probably a better idea anyway.

Nadia’s minute: Not much going on for Nadia this week, but it was pretty funny that when Doyle called in, Milo had to take the call and hand the phone over to Nadia.� This is what you’ve been reduced to, Milo.� You think you had an in with Nadia just because you loaned her your computer password?� Nope, sorry, you’re just the office computer guy now.� When she sees you, she sees Edgar Stiles with a shitty beard, get used to it.
��

Ethnic stereotype update: Having Cheng Zhi take the reins as the main villain is bad news for Jack, primarily because he’s being played by Tzi Ma, who is pretty outspoken in his disapproval of prevailing Asian stereotypes in American television and film.� So, if you’re expecting him to play some sort of dumbshit like Fayed (“Maybe I should have just nuked downtown LA in the first place...”) or Gredenko (“Here’s the plan – first, chop my arm off... I will then bleed to death...”), it ain’t happening.� On the other hand, Tzi Ma’s efforts here are ironic, since his role as a complete asshole who will kidnap and torture people for whatever reason he feels like presents an even worse depiction of Asians than we had before.� Nice going, Ma.� Way to set back your people to the lowest point they’ve been at since Wo Fatt put Jack Lord in a sensory deprivation tank on Hawaii Five-O.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/1/collegehumor.7364fe4cdba0083c2d27dfe152e11263.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-04-17 01:59:14 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479">Chris Craft</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1727597">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Morning After: 24 (4/9)

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 02:44:47 -0400

This is the fucking 24 episode we’ve been waiting for!� More ass gets kicked this hour than the whole season so far� (and part of last season) put together.� If you haven’t seen it yet, stop reading now.� I’m totally fucking serious, find somebody with DVR or TiVo and do whatever it takes to watch this hour.� I don’t care if you have to have sex you’re going to regret for the rest of your life in order to see it.� Seriously, I don’t.�

The asskicking begins in the bunker, where President Palmer launches a nuke at the generic Muslim nation and coolly waits for them to call and beg to not be incinerated.� When the phone rings, well guess what, the Arabs just arrested General Habib, Fayed’s boss, and have started interrogating him.�

Palmer lets them dangle for a moment before aborting the nuke about a minute from impact.� As if Lennox isn’t blown away enough at the balls on this guy, Palmer drops another bomb on him: the nuke wasn’t even armed, it was a bluff.� Face it Lennox, he’s hot cuz he’s fly, you ain’t cuz you not.�

Back in LA, Jack and Doyle interrogate Fayed in a broom closet with the old “bad cop - bad cop” routine, but it’s going nowhere.� Fayed plays pretty tough, taunting Jack with lines like, “Are you having fun yet?”, but Jack actually gets a concerned look out of Fayed when he recommends going back to CTU to break out the pharmaceutical kit and quips, “Now we’re gonna have some fun.”� During transport back to CTU, however, a Brink’s truck comes out of nowhere and knocks the Jackmobile on its side, and Muslims come out firing.� Jack and Doyle try to get Fayed out, and take down a couple of shooters, but both get shot down and Fayed gets rescued, with the Brink’s speeding off into the night... or so it would appear!� The whole thing was a ruse to get Fayed to take them to the nukes, as Jack was pretty sure Fayed would never break.� Jack and Doyle get up and pursue Fayed’s new “friends”, yet another CTU team in disguise.�

Icing on the cake is that Nadia displays an ounce of concern for Doyle getting nicked up, which sends Milo into such a bitchy tizzy that he coughs up some of his extra chromosomes.� Basically, we’re being set up for Day 7 with Nadia in charge of CTU and Doyle heading up field ops.� Yes, we all miss Curtis Manning.

Anyway, the problem with CTU’s chicanery here is that Fayed’s evil, not stupid, and he won’t rendezvous with the nukes until he gets (1) a loaded gun (dude, never hand a terrorist a loaded gun, give him the one with the blanks, everyone with a TV knows that) and (2) a phone call from Habib.� Apparently as a result of Palmer’s subtle idea to threaten to kill his family (welcome back, Wayne), Habib calls Fayed and tells him to go to the nukes, and it looks like Fayed is buying it.� However, Nadia, in a rare display of doing something at work besides being hit on, catches that Habib mentioned another guy who’s been dead for a couple years as if he’s alive, and thinks it’s a tipoff.� Jack gets word of this to the team driving Fayed around, but it’s too late.� Fayed kills them all, plus a garbageman, and escapes for real in the trash truck.� Jack, however, caught up with Fayed just in time to hide under the truck and hitch a ride Cape Fear-style.

As Fayed arrives at Allah’s warehouse, the remaining terrorists get started on what should realistically have been their plan in the first place, blowing the shit out of downtown LA.� Jack, having none of it, breaks one dude’s neck and has just enough bullets to kill every terrorist in the joint except Fayed, so they bust it up hand-to-hand.� After smacking Fayed with a bigass wrench and getting stomped on a couple of times, Jack finally gets a hold of one of those big chains that are always randomly hanging around in places like this, wraps it around Fayed’s neck and hands, and hits the “choke Muslim to death” button on the control thing – but only after whispering to Fayed, “Say hello to your brother.”� Doyle sums it all up as he shows up and looks over the carnage, including Fayed’s dead ass: “Damn, Jack.”� Again, a perfect death from a great show at its best.

In the aftermath, Jack gets a call routed through CTU... from Audrey, who is alive and in the hands of the Chinese asshole that used to torture Jack, Cheng Zhi!� The Chinese look like they want to trade Audrey for something, and all kinds of shit is hitting many fans at once.� In some ways, this season has just begun.

Proposed Kimeo: Kim, drunk and disorderly in a Cabo

jail cell, ruins any potential “Caged Heat” scenario by noisily demanding her cell phone, a fish taco, to speak the embassy, American Idol results, etc., so thoroughly annoying the local constabulary that they call a cab to pick her up and dump her off at the airport just so they don’t have to deal with her bullshit.� They definitely could have stuck this in instead of Palmer and Lennox hugging it out.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/1/collegehumor.7364fe4cdba0083c2d27dfe152e11263.png"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-04-10 02:44:47 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:204479">Chris Craft</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:18"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />