Bill again,

That last fort was pretty insane. It didn’t make much sense.  The layout of the interior was exactly the same as the one before it, except it had way more barrels. On a note, I’m beginning to question Lance’s navigational skills.  He keeps insisting we travel only forward and back across the island. Where we could just as easily deviate around the completely enemy infested paths through the trees. Nope, face forward and keep shooting he says. To compromise we hung out in the forts debris until nightfall. We’re about to head out, and I’m going to kill 47, no, 59 human-alien freaks this time.

P.S: All right, what the hell. We just went outside the fort and there is freakin’ snow on the ground. When the hell did we travel to the artic? I thought we’re on a tropical island. I might be going crazy on this island, but there shouldn’t be freakin’ SNOW damn it!! I think I have hallucinated though, like… on the waterfall Lance started flashing, and when he got shot he didn’t even notice. I tried to ignore it until now, but this island is getting the best of me. But f*ck this snow. I’m still going shirtless.

Diary Entry 4 (Lance)

Lance Corporal Lance heeeere! Just kidding I’m actually a Major!

Ugh, I decided not to tell Bill how I feel. There is just too much at stake, and there is no way in hell I want to risk not being able to work with my most favoritest person in the world. I’d just DIE!

Bill was complaining again to me today, but I could tell he was just frustrated with whats been going on with this island. He criticized my navigational skills, and I had to explain to him the quickest way from A to B is a straight line. DUH. He can be so silly. I mean why tip-toe around the island? We’re too much men for all these troops, aliens, and bugs to handle. Especially Bill, he’s waaaaay too much man for all of them. I can handle him though. Pssshh. I wish.

P.S: Bill’s nipples were so hard today. ; )

Journal Entry 5 (Bill)

Big Brawler Bill here,

So I’ve been  trying to wrap my head around this dance that overtook Lance’s body when we were fighting in the snow. All of a sudden Lance and I both stopped and Lance looked up twice, down twice, left, right, left again, right again, jumped and shot his gun for no reason. Nothing happened then, and then he did that strange dance three more times with slight variations. Nothing ever happened afterwards and he has no recollection of doing this, so we just carried on. God help me that I don’t go insane. Oh, and what else is new. Freakin’ fought a UFO today. Why? Couldn’t tell ya’, because I sure as hell don’t know why the f*ck it’s here. I just ran underneath it, and blew it apart in 5 seconds with my Spread Gun. Alien queers.

Oh. I grabbed one of those dynamite throwing-alien loving-barrel chucking-dirty Nicaraguan S.O.B’s, and I asked him what the hell was going on with this island. All he said was some gargling, and spit some blood. You know why? BECAUSE I WAS CRUSHING HIS LARYNX WITH MY THUMB! So after killing him I grabbed another by his skull and said “who are you!”. He said they are the “Red Falcon”? Whatever. So I broke apart the temporal lobe of his skull which splintered into his brain causing an insane hemorrhage.  Well were about to go into what looks like their islands generator. Who knows what we’ll find in here. Freakin’, a robotic T-Rex? OH I KNOW, how about a freakin’ 20 ft. tall jacked soldier with spiked shoulder pads!? Ha ha ha, yeah right, get real.

Diary Entry 5 (Lance)

HEEEEY,

So I almost got ran over by a plow/ tank today. I’m O.K. though. Couldn’t say the same about the driver. Tee-hee. It was fun in the snow, even though there was a point I blacked out for a while. I felt fine afterwards though and have no idea what happened. Pretty odd, but nothing is normal around this place. Bill obliterated a UFO today. He would say I helped, but we all know he’s the real soldier.

I’ve been working on a scrap-book to give to Bill once this mission is over to show him all the crazy things we went through, and hopefully he’ll see all the personal moments we share. Hopefully. Now only if I could find some glitter on this island. Hmphhh.

Diary Entry 6 (Lance)

Today is the saddest day ever,

Life is desolate and barren to me now. I don’t even know how I’m bringing myself to write this, but it may be my only coping mechanism.  I don’t mind if my tear drops wash away my ink after this is written, but it must be vented. Today…Bill died. The rainbows in my sky and life are faded. I’m on a eternal downward spiral, and I swear to god I will shoot every one of these bitches in their heart so they can feel the pain I feel. And with everyone of those pricks I kill I will whisper, “I love you, Bill”. I can’t believe my hero is really gone. Reality stopped, and I’m still in denial. WHY COULDN’T YOU JUMP OVER THAT MUTANT SOLDIER!!! He failed 3 times, and on the third try he didn’t get back up. He laid there, blinking lifelessly…then faded away. He just couldn’t time it right. Bill you beautiful stubborn bastard, why didn’t you learn the first time! WHY!!!!!! From here on out I will honor Bill by “blowing the f*cking sh*t out of this island”.

I’ll miss you Bill. So much. I’ll finish this mission for you and your rippling biceps.

...]]> /article/5885942 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5885942/contra-journals-vol-1 Thu, 21 Jan 2010 11:55:34 -0500

Journal Entry 1 (Bill)

Bill here,


I’m on my way to this island that’s somewhere in South America, they wouldn’t tell us where exactly, but I’m guessing it has something to do with those dirty, thieving Nicaraguans. Looking out the helicopter the place looks surreal but I’m pretty sure I’m going to rapid fire the sh*t out of it. No South American is going to get the better of me. I’m coming off of training at peak. I’ve increased my athletic prowess so that I can jump 10 ft into the air, leap 12 ft chasms, and be able to do countless front flips effortlessly, even while moving backwards. Me and my buddy Lance here are some tough S.O.B’s and we’re ready to take out the suspected 800 troop installment all by ourselves, because we have one thing the enemy doesn’t have. Spread Guns.

...]]> /video/5605149 http://www.collegehumor.com/video/5605149/contra-duck-hunt Mon, 14 Sep 2009 11:00:32 -0400 /video/3036739 http://www.collegehumor.com/video/3036739/contra-trailer Fri, 02 Nov 2007 02:31:47 -0400 /article/967558 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/967558/ch-video-games-weekly Thu, 26 Apr 2007 11:09:08 -0400

My guest this week is Kevin Cassidy, editor-in-chief of GoNintendo.com.



...]]> /picture/153980 http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/153980 Sun, 29 Oct 2006 18:12:18 -0500 /picture/41041 http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/41041 Thu, 03 Nov 2005 20:03:44 -0500 /picture/47556 http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/47556 Fri, 28 Jan 2005 00:00:00 -0500