CollegeHumor: Conversation Articles http://www.collegehumor.com/tag/conversation Funny Videos, Funny Pictures, Funny Links! /article/6890187 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6890187/celebrating-420-the-stoner-way Alright, dudes, I'm Ready for 420 Tue, 14 May 2013 17:09:39 -0400
Alright, dudes, Im Ready for 420

  1. S...]]> /article/6885414 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6885414/gay-new-world Why I Assume People Fear the "Slippery Slope" of Gay Marriage Sun, 21 Apr 2013 23:36:01 -0400

  2. INT. WEDDING CHAPEL OF THE FUTURE

  3. It is the year 2033. Gay marriage has been legal for almost twenty years.

  4. A man approaches the wedding regi...]]> /article/6869996 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6869996/a-buzzfeed-contributor-tells-her-boyfriend-shes-pregnant A Buzzfeed Contributor Tells Her Boyfriend She's Pregnant Mon, 11 Feb 2013 13:27:09 -0500

    1. These past three months have been great

    /article/6868291 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6868291/how-ill-use-the-technology-of-the-future How I'll Use the Technology of the Future Mon, 04 Feb 2013 11:34:37 -0500
    How Ill Use the Technology of the Future - Image 1

    Me: Kyle, thanks for coming over. I'm having trouble with my ThoughtSphere and I know you young people really know how this stuff works.

    Kyle: Yeah, sure, Grandpa.

    Me: THANK YOU! I can't figure out how to get into the Collective Hive Mind.

    Kyle: Okay, go to your Living Room.

    Me: We're in the living room.

    Kyle: No, your "Living Room." That's what you call the state of mental calm you need to be in to access all points on the ThoughtSphere and use your preferred BrainTap to access the CHM.

    Me: This is hard.

    Kyle: It's right there, grandpa. It's that base-line level of consciousness. You know, where you're not quite sure whether you're awake or asleep. Are you there?

    Me: I think so.

    Kyle: Ok, now what BrainTap do you use? AlphaSlug or Flerm?

    Me: I don't know. I think it's that one that makes me remember the smell of old books.

    Kyle: Ugh. Craniol? That's a terrible BrainTap. I'll ForceThink you a better one.

    Me: NO! I'm used to this one!

    Kyle: Alright, fine. Now just double-think Craniol.

    Me: How do I do that?

    Kyle: Just think about the smell of old books twice.

    Me: What do you mean think about it twice?

    Kyle: Think about it, then think about it again quickly.

    Me: Okay. It's not doing anything.

    Kyle: You probably didn't think fast enough the second time.

    Me: Alright… I think it's working. I'm can hear the sound of 2,000 chattering teeth and experience the feeling of ground beef between my fingers.

    Kyle: Yeah, you can ignore that.

    Me: Why? What is it doing?

    Kyle: Nothing. You're hearing those things because you use Craniol. It comes built in with all these sense-prompts that are ostensibly for convenience, but it just sort of clutters everything up and creates an unshakable sense of confusion and anxiety. Are you sure you don't want me ForceThink you Flerm?

    Me: YES! It's fine!

    Kyle: Alright, well you should have access to the Collective Hive Mind now.

    Me: Oh, good!

    Kyle: What is it you want to do? You can access the memory of any person, living or dead, by triple-thinking Hiztorienz, or you can vicariously experience anything imaginable through Empathon. Or did you want to relive the happiest moments of your life? Mom said that's why you wanted to get the ThoughtSphere.

    Me: I'm trying to find porn.


    ...]]> /article/6602927 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6602927/we-all-have-that-one-friend Pro-Jesus Facebook Posts Mon, 05 Sep 2011 17:47:19 -0400 At the Pearly Gates


    Angel at Podium: Next!


    The line moves up. A man steps forward.


    John: Hi there.


    Angel * referring to a large book *: Jonathon Robert Curtis, born May 1st, 1982 in Dallas, Texas. Is all of that correct?


    John: Sounds right to me.


    Angel: It says here that you died while saving both orphans and puppies from a burning building. How noble.


    ...]]> /article/6705205 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6705205/what-to-talk-about-now-that-the-super-bowl-has-passed What to Talk About Now That the Super Bowl Has Passed Tue, 07 Feb 2012 17:09:28 -0500

    What to Talk About Now That the Super Bowl Has Passed - Image 1
    Football season is great: it brings friends together, television commercials get better, the games give you an excuse to get your day-drunk on. Best of ...]]>         /article/6573664 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6573664/bible-stories Bible Stories Tue, 26 Jul 2011 17:40:06 -0400 I

    King Solomon: Hmmm…Then we shall cut this baby in half!

    Both Mothers: What? No!

    King Solomon: Aha! Clearly you are the real mother!

    Both Mothers: Both of us?

    King Solomon: Wait, no. Whichever one of you was against cutting the baby up. You...]]> /article/6577776 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6577776/book-story Book Story Mon, 01 Aug 2011 15:12:19 -0400 Gravity's Rainbow: So, what do you think? Is he going to read us tonight?

    Infinite Jest: Well, let's see. It looks like the TV is still working, as is the Internet, so…no. Absolutely not.

    Gravity's Rainbow: Oh, come on. Stop being so cynical. Didn't he take you to the coffee shop last weekend?

         /article/6563186 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6563186/the-body-goes-to-sleep The Body Goes To Sleep Tue, 12 Jul 2011 08:15:40 -0400 Brain: Ok people, it's getting late. I'm shutting the systems down. Everyone ready?

    Legs: Sorry, not tired.

    Brain: Come on, legs. We've got work in eight hours. How are you not tired?

    Legs: Maybe if someone had gone running today—you know, like he said he was going to this...]]> /article/6472834 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6472834/student-government-shutdown Student Government Shutdown Fri, 08 Apr 2011 18:59:11 -0400

    Setting: Classroom at St. James Elementary, Noon, Friday 4/8/11. Two 8th graders sit at a table.

    Student President Brock: I'm telling you, there is no room to cut any more spend...]]> /article/6354292 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6354292/how-i-met-your-father How I Met Your Father Mon, 29 Nov 2010 23:10:45 -0500



    Ted:  And that, kids, is the story of how I met your mother.

    There is a little pause.

    Boy:  Can we go now?

    Gir...]]> /article/6386563 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6386563/glee-set-designers-are-pissed Glee Set Designers Are Pissed Tue, 11 Jan 2011 02:14:08 -0500

    Head Designer: Alright guys I know you're tired but as soon as we finish wiring the giant lightbulb wall with fireworks we can go home.

    Designer 1: Thank god I haven't see...]]> /article/6391844 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6391844/disney-princesses-have-romance-problems Disney Princesses Have Romance Problems Mon, 17 Jan 2011 17:42:18 -0500

    Jasmine: But this romance can never be! You're not a prince, and my father is too protective to even let me out of the castle!

    Aladdin: So he's that protective, but he still let's you dress like that.

    Jasmine: Excuse me?

    Aladdin: Also, you have a pet tiger. I'm just saying. But I found a genie, so it's all good.

    Jasmine: That's perfect! You can wish to be a prince and win my heart through a series of difficult challenges, and battles with the evil Jafar so we can be wed!

    Aladdin: Nah. I just wished for a million whores.

    Jasmine: Wow. Um, well you still jave-

    Aladdin: But then I remembered: a million whores isn't cool. You know what's cool?

    Jasmine: …a billion-

    Aladdin: Laser vision. Laser vision is cool as shit.

    Jasmine: Huh. But of course you used your third wish to free the geni-

    Aladdin: Forty trillion whores.

    ...]]> /article/6360443 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6360443/dumbledores-performance-review Dumbledore's Performance Review Tue, 07 Dec 2010 00:29:11 -0500 Superintendent: Are you the headmaster here?

    Dumbledore: Why yes, yes I am. Also: I'm gay.

    Superintendent: That's fine. Now about Hogwarts-

    Dumbledore: Bet you didn't know that! Boom!

    Superintendent: No one cares. Frankly, I'm not sure why you ever brought it up. All ...]]> /article/6324298 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6324298/jesus-awkward-homecoming Jesus' Awkward Homecoming Wed, 27 Oct 2010 16:22:13 -0400 God: Hey kiddo! Welcome back up!

    Jesus: …

    God: Man, you look great! Long time no see. You want some ice cream? I’ll get us some ice cream.

    Jesus: So…crucifixion, huh?

    God: Oh…what? Oh man! That’s, uh, terrible! I had no idea. Wow, that sucks!

    Jesus: I think you had some idea…

    God: Well, I uh-

    Jesus: You know, being God and all. Omniscient. Lord of all creation. Feel like you may have heard.

    God: Well, maybe a vague inkling, I suppose-

    Jesus: It was kind of like a big deal. They made a book about it. The Book. 

    God: Yeah?
    ...]]> /article/6319079 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6319079/on-the-stratego-battlefield On the Stratego Battlefield Thu, 21 Oct 2010 10:49:43 -0400 Lieutenant: What do you think of our chances on the battlefield today, sir?

    General: We can’t lose, lieutenant. Our flag is securely placed on the very last line.

    Lieutenant: But what about the key vantage points and strategic troop formation?

    General: Oh I have no idea. But rest assured the flag is well...]]> /article/6301748 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6301748/living-life-like-the-board-game-monopoly Living life like the board game Monopoly Thu, 30 Sep 2010 23:58:25 -0400 THE SCENE: A basement apartment in Atlantic City. 

     

    LANDLORD: Open up!

    TENANT: Just a second!  Oh, hey, what’s up?

    LANDLORD: Gimme your rent, you deadbeat!

    TENANT: Can I give it to you tomorro...]]> /article/6284036 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6284036/promised-land Promised Land Fri, 10 Sep 2010 18:52:52 -0400 God: Hey, so Moses, sorry about the forty years of wandering. That was maybe six years over the line.

    Moses: But not the slavery, huh?

    God: Eh.

    Moses: Okay. Well, at least it’s worth it, right? Why, a land flowing with milk and honey-

    God: Yeah, um, its just sand.

    Mos...]]> /article/6275800 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6275800/time-travel-orientation Time Travel Orientation Tue, 31 Aug 2010 19:53:48 -0400

    Me: Lev! I've travelled back in time to prepare you for your Freshman year!

    Lev: Wow! Future-me!

    Me: I have to give you warnings from the future about Freshman year. Because you can change what happens and-

    Lev: Oh wow! It's like the fifth season of Lost! That ends cool, right?

    Me: …sure, yeah, totally. But back to business. Our high-school girlfriend? Dump her fast. Sorry.

    Lev: What!? But she's perfect, she's the most beautiful, perfect girl at my high school…

    Me: Keep going…

    Lev: In my grade…of 90 kids…

    Me:Go further.

    Lev: …who would get with me.

    Me: That's what I thought. Which reminds me: the first girl you hook up with at a frat party is not your girlfriend.

    Lev: What? But we made out and everything!

    Me: I know. But do not triple text her. You will look creepy.

    Lev: Maybe her phone is broken…

    Me: No it isn't. And apparently telegrams are 'creepy.'
    ...]]> /article/6255586 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6255586/what-they-must-have-been-whispering-at-the-end-of-cruel-intentions What they must have been whispering at the end of Cruel Intentions Sun, 08 Aug 2010 17:45:46 -0400




    Girl:     Hey, Mike! We have to leave now.

    Guy: What? In the middle of Kathryn’s eulogy?

    Girl: You’ll never guess what she did. So listen to this: it turns out that her and Sebastian had this weird, sexually tense relationship, and at one point they had a bet going, and if he won the bet he got to f*** her…

    Guy: What??

    Girl: Well, okay so—they’re really just step-siblings. No one seems to realize that, but it’s kind of important to the story. Because now it’s not that weird for him, right?

    Guy: I mean, I guess not. I don’t know if I can get over that though.

    Girl: Well, just hang on a sec. Now the bet, and this is where it looks kind of bad on his part initially, is that he couldn’t f*** the headmaster’s daughter—but hear me out! He ends up falling in love with her, right? So it’s real sweet and all.

    Guy: I guess so…

    Girl: Oh okay so anyway, when Kathryn realized he didn’t want to f*** her, she got all in his head and made him think he didn’t really love Annette and that he loved her instead, so he dumped her and went for her, at which point she was all like “Oh hey, I made you dump the only girl you’ve ever loved” and then she wouldn’t even f*** him!

    Guy: So we need to make a point of leaving in the middle of her eulogy because she didn’t follow through on some incestual bet?

    Girl: Well, okay but it’s more complicated than that. Just come outside—someone made copies of his diary. It’s pretty much just records of his sexual escapades, but if you read through it a couple of times you can get a better feel of the timeline of how everything went down and all.

    Guy: I dunno. Now it sounds kind of like he’s just as big a jerk in all this. I don’t think I have enough information to warrant just getting up—

    Girl: She also slept with a black.

    Guy: WHAT? Not in my town!
    ...]]>