1. Interviewer

   Thanks for taking the time to come in, although I'm sure you weren't busy at all, seeing as you're unemployed.

2. Applicant

   Yeah, that's true. I mean I have DVR so I'm really not missing anything important. Although this is really early for me, I usually wake up around noon, lay in bed until 12:30. Ish.

3. Interviewer

   Excellent. So why are you interested in this job?

4. Applicant

   I'm not, I just need a job.

5. Interviewer

   Okay. Just so you know, we will be taking advantage of you and paying you the bare minimum.

6. Applicant

   And just so you know, I will be doing the bare minimum.

7. Interviewer

   Okay, but our expectations are going to be, let's say, unreasonably high. Like if you could be as much like a high-speed robot as possible, that would be ideal.

8. Applicant

   Yeah, I'm not interested in any of that. I'm pretty much looking for a job where I don't have to move much or think much, so I have the time and energy to do the things I actually care about.

9. Interviewer

   Why don't you get a job doing the things you care about?

10. Applicant

    I'm trying, but in the interim I need a job that will barely cover my cost of living. You know what I'm saying?

11. Interviewer

    I think so. I was once like you, had dreams. But I gave up on them. I gave up on all my dreams, and that's why I'm here.

12. Applicant

    I thought that might be the case. I mean I assumed it was. I guessed that you used to be full of life, but after years in this place, you had every last bit of hope drained from your body.

13. Interviewer

    Yes, that's exactly what happened. And now what I do is take that hope out of people younger than me, the people I hire, and basically I harvest it. It's like — are you familiar with how vampires work?

14. Applicant

    Sure.

15. Interviewer

    Great, I'll make note of that. So I'm like a vampire, a hope vampire, and when you leave here every day, you'll be completely devoid of hope or happiness.

16. Applicant

    So you're like a Dementor, really.

17. Interviewer

    Yes! I wasn't sure if Harry Potter was something you were familiar with, but yeah, I'm a Dementor.

18. Applicant

    Okay, so is everyone I've ever worked for.

19. Interviewer

    Great! This is going really well. What are your biggest strengths and weaknesses?

20. Applicant

    I have very few strengths that would be of any use at all in this kind of environment. I'd say my biggest weakness, if you wanna call it that, is that I just don't care.

21. Interviewer

    And why did you leave your last job?

22. Applicant

    I wanted to move on and do other things.

23. Interviewer

    Which means…

24. Applicant

    I was fired.

25. Interviewer

    Good, good. Well I'll let you know, and by that I mean I'll never call you, and will instead leave you waiting and wondering for weeks.

26. Applicant

    Business as usual!

...]]> /article/6888466 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6888466/every-first-conversation-with-a-gym-trainer Mon, 06 May 2013 16:34:31 -0400

1. Trainer

   Hey boss, first time?

2. /article/6871860 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6871860/coachs-speech Tue, 19 Feb 2013 12:22:17 -0500
   
   
   Coach: What are we about to do those Riverside Fools!?

   
   Team: Destroy them!

   
   Coach: And how we gonna do it!?

   
   ...]]> /article/6873549 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6873549/if-real-life-were-like-comic-books Sat, 23 Feb 2013 16:45:53 -0500

   
   
   

   ME: Hey… listen, I'm really sorry I kept trying to hit on your friend last night when her boyfriend was out of the room. I was really drunk.

   
   /article/6833315 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6833315/the-small-talk-thermometer Mon, 08 Oct 2012 18:03:01 -0400

   ]]> /article/6756098 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6756098/the-last-act-of-titanics-brave-first-mate-wensel-stevens Mon, 16 Apr 2012 12:17:42 -0400
   
   On April 15th, 1912 the luxu...]]> /article/6743867 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6743867/post-apocalyptic-gang-meeting Tue, 20 Mar 2012 15:29:05 -0400
   
   1. Jeff

      Hey, guys. First off, thanks for showing up to the budget meeting on time. I know we all hate this stuff but it's important that we figure out our finances. We are quarantined off from the rest of the world after all.

   2. Gang Guy #1

      Get on with it, Jeff. I've got a face tattoo appointment to make.

   3. (the rest of the gang grumbles in agreement)

   4. Jeff

      That's actually what I wanted to talk to you guys about. I've been crunching the numbers and it seems like 99% of our resources go towards tattoos and makeup for the gang.

   5. Gang Guy #2

      Don't forget those sick spiky shoulder pads.

   6. (claps from the rest of the gang)

   7. Gang Guy #3

      Ya those things rock.

   8. Gang Guy #1

      The rest of the world abandoned us, Jeff, and you don't want us to look as cool as possible?

   9. Jeff

      That's my point! We have limited resources. I propose we stop using all our oil and water for tattoos and face paint and instead we use it to set up, I dunno, an irrigation system? Potable water would be nice. Maybe we even figure out how to grow our own food so we don't have to eat other members of the gang.

   10. Gang Guy #1

       Now you're too cool to eat members of the gang? We're a post apocalyptic gang, dude, that's what we do!

   11. Gang Guy #2

       What happened to you?

   12. Jeff

       We ate my brother last week. We put him on a giant skewer, hovered him over a fire and devoured him like hyenas because, and I quote, "dude this is what we do." That's what happened to me.

   13. Gang Guy #1

       Listen, Jeff. We get it. We really do. None of us wanted to be stuck behind this wall left to fend for ourselves. But will you look at it from our point of view? The virus that decimated this city turned us into freaks. I literally have doggie parts from the waist down and Jimmy over there has no butthole. If there's one thing we've learned it's that putting makeup and tattoos all over our bodies while slowly regressing as a society are the only things that motivate us to wake up everyday. It's all we've got dude. Granted we probably didn't have to eat your bro but we're making the best of a bad situation. Our bad.

   14. Gang Guy #2

       Those sick ass shoulder pads more or less replaced my wife. She's on the other side of that wall and I'm here. Don't take that away from me so you can grow your own summer squash, Jeff.

   15. Jeff

       Can we at least stop adding plows and flame throwers to all our cars? These weekly Demolition To The Death Derbies we have don't seem to accomplish anything…

   16. All Gang Members

       Oh, come on!

   
   ...]]> /article/6697271 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6697271/what-part-of-ultimate-power-in-the-universe-was-unclear Sun, 22 Jan 2012 15:48:57 -0500 INTERIOR: DEATH STAR — CONFERENCE ROOM.

   MOTTI: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the un...]]> /article/6691623 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6691623/the-problem-with-time-travel Mon, 16 Jan 2012 01:10:43 -0500 I: Italy, 1474 AD

   Me: Wow, Leonardo Da Vinci!

   Leonardo Da Vinci: Yes, it is I.

   Me: You rule! I come from the future, and in my time, you are known as a majestic artist!

   Leonardo Da Vinci: Amazing! Tell me, what's my greatest accomplishment?

   Me: …

   Leonardo Da Vinci: Are you serious, kid?

   Me: The…statue...]]> /article/6311104 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6311104/your-body-at-a-party Mon, 11 Oct 2010 22:45:54 -0400 Brain: Okay guys, let's just hang out, have a drink or two, and get back by midnight. We have a test in the morning. Good?

   Legs: Got it.

   Hips: I'm going to randomly move around weirdly to the music.

   Eyes: Awkwardly scoping out girls here. Then when we make eye contact, turning away. Classic....]]> /article/6684765 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6684765/kel-finally-contacts-kenan Thu, 05 Jan 2012 18:24:55 -0500

   
   ]]> /article/6599562 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6599562/how-it-happened-the-necktie Wed, 31 Aug 2011 23:29:19 -0400 Rich Man 1: Ok then, it's settled. When we want to dress nicely, we'll wear white collared shirts.

   Rich Man 2: So everyone knows we're too classy to dirty our clothing.

   RM1: Right. Also, long pants.

   RM2: So no one will be able to see how embarrassingly skinny a life of leisure has made ...]]> /article/6616281 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6616281/last-meal Mon, 26 Sep 2011 14:45:38 -0400 -Hey, are we executing anyone today?

   -Yeah, that guy who killed those children is getting the electric chair.

   -When is it happening?

   -It was supposed to happen tonight at 7.

   -What do you mean?

   -You know how every inmate on death row gets a last meal of their choosing?

   -Yeah.

   -Well, this guy requested the one thing we don't w...]]> /article/6611924 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6611924/general-tsos-chicken Tue, 20 Sep 2011 09:35:43 -0400 Soldier: General Tso, I just received word that the Muslim army is approaching. Should I inform the troops to stand guard?

   General Tso: Hold on a second, I think I might be onto something here.

   Soldier: Is it a new battle formation?

   General Tso: No, this is much better.

   Soldier...]]> /article/6597828 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6597828/playmobile-911 Mon, 29 Aug 2011 18:34:34 -0400

   

   BreakerBreaker we have a hairless acrobat trapped inside the utility storage compartment over here in the Camper Van. Someone shoved a baby guinea pig and dirtbike handlebars into her headchamber, but she's still ...]]> /article/6572577 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6572577/if-work-was-like-college Mon, 25 Jul 2011 13:47:55 -0400 I.

   Boss: Work is from 10:30 to noon on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

   Worker: Can I be hungover for Friday's work?

   Boss: Yes. Everyone will generally be hungover a third of the time. That is normal for work.

   II.

   Boss: Hey worker, I need some math solved.

   Wo...]]> /article/6528194 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6528194/what-i-imagine-happens-when-my-apartment-is-shown Wed, 08 Jun 2011 12:53:06 -0400 -(opening door) This is the one-bedroom apartment I was telling you about earlier.

   -Whoa, this is a lot bigger than I expected.
   

   
   
   -It has all the basic amenities and comes with a free park...]]> /article/6316500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6316500/ryus-first-date Mon, 18 Oct 2010 15:08:55 -0400
   

   Stacey: …And that's how I became a lawyer. And what did you say you did again?

   Ryu: Oh, I'm a street fighter.

   Stacey: Huh?

   /article/6063935 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6063935/a-great-discovery Sat, 08 May 2010 13:19:40 -0400 5832 AD
   
   
   At a pastoral university lying far above the ancient ruins of New York City, a respected old professor sits in his office.  All of a sudden, a young archaeologist rushes in clutching a bag.
   
   
   Archaeologist: Sir, I think you'll want to see this.  We uncovered it at a dig site nearby yesterday.
   ...]]> /article/5975319 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5975319/mario-gets-pulled-over Thu, 11 Mar 2010 10:16:02 -0500

   
   Dorkly is a new weekly column dedicated to video game comedy.
   
   

   Mario: Is there a problem, officer?
   
   
   Cop: Quite a few, actually. First off, you're speeding.
   ...]]>