1. Jeff

   Hey, guys. First off, thanks for showing up to the budget meeting on time. I know we all hate this stuff but it’s important that we figure out our finances. We are quarantined off from the rest of the world after all.

2. Gang Member #1

   Get on with it, Jeff. I’ve got a face tattoo appointment to make.

3. (the rest of the gang grumbles in agreement)

4. Jeff

   That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you guys about. I’ve been crunching the numbers and it seems like 99% of our resources go towards tattoos and makeup for the gang.

5. Gang Member #2

   Don’t forget those sick spiky shoulder pads.

6. (claps from the rest of the gang)

7. Gang Member #3

   Ya those things rock.

8. Gang Member #1

   The rest of the world abandoned us, Jeff, and you don’t want us to look as cool as possible?

9. Jeff

   That’s my point! We have limited resources. I propose we stop using all our oil and water for tattoos and face paint and instead we use it to set up, I dunno, an irrigation system? Potable water would be nice. Maybe we even figure out how to grow our own food so we don’t have to eat other members of the gang.

10. Gang Member #1

    Now you’re too cool to eat members of the gang? We’re a post apocalyptic gang, dude, that’s what we do!

11. Gang Member #2

    What happened to you?

12. Jeff

    We ate my brother last week. We put him on a giant skewer, hovered him over a fire and devoured him like hyenas because, and I quote, “dude this is what we do.” That’s what happened to me.

13. Gang Member #1

    Listen, Jeff. We get it. We really do. None of us wanted to be stuck behind this wall left to fend for ourselves. But will you look at it from our point of view? The virus that decimated this city turned us into freaks. I literally have doggie parts from the waist down and Jimmy over there has no butthole. If there’s one thing we’ve learned it’s that putting makeup and tattoos all over our bodies while slowly regressing as a society are the only things that motivate us to wake up everyday. It’s all we’ve got dude. Granted we probably didn’t have to eat your bro but we’re making the best of a bad situation. Our bad.

14. Gang Member #2

    Those sick ass shoulder pads more or less replaced my wife. She’s on the other side of that wall and I’m here. Don’t take that away from me so you can grow your own summer squash, Jeff.

15. Jeff

    Can we at least stop adding plows and flame throwers to all our cars? These weekly Demolition To The Death Derbies we have don’t seem to accomplish anything…

16. All Gang Members

    Oh, come on!

MOTTI: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they’ve obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the ...]]> /article/6691623 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6691623/the-problem-with-time-travel Mon, 16 Jan 2012 01:10:43 -0500 I: Italy, 1474 AD

Me: Wow, Leonardo Da Vinci!

Leonardo Da Vinci: Yes, it is I.

Me: You rule! I come from the future, and in my time, you are known as a majestic artist!

Leonardo Da Vinci: Amazing! Tell me, what’s my greatest accomplishment?

Me: …

Leonardo Da Vinci: Are you serious, kid?

Me: The…sta...]]> /article/6311104 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6311104/your-body-at-a-party Mon, 11 Oct 2010 22:45:54 -0400 Brain: Okay guys, let’s just hang out, have a drink or two, and get back by midnight. We have a test in the morning. Good?

Legs: Got it.

Hips: I’m going to randomly move around weirdly to the music.

Eyes: Awkwardly scoping out girls here. Then when we make eye contact, turning away. Classic.

Rich Man 2: So everyone knows we’re too classy to dirty our clothing.

RM1: Right. Also, long pants.

RM2: So no one will be able to see how embarrassingly skinny a life of leisure has ma...]]> /article/6616281 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6616281/last-meal Mon, 26 Sep 2011 14:45:38 -0400 -Hey, are we executing anyone today?

-Yeah, that guy who killed those children is getting the electric chair.

-When is it happening?

-It was supposed to happen tonight at 7.

-What do you mean?

-You know how every inmate on death row gets a last meal of their choosing?

-Yeah.

-Well, this guy requested the one thing we don’t ...]]> /article/6611924 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6611924/general-tsos-chicken Tue, 20 Sep 2011 09:35:43 -0400 Soldier: General Tso, I just received word that the Muslim army is approaching. Should I inform the troops to stand guard?

General Tso: Hold on a second, I think I might be onto something here.

Soldier: Is it a new battle formation?

General Tso: No, this is much better.

Soldier...]]> /article/6597828 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6597828/playmobile-911 Mon, 29 Aug 2011 18:34:34 -0400

BreakerBreaker we have a hairless acrobat trapped inside the utility storage compartment over here in the Camper Van. Someone shoved a baby guinea pig and dirtbike handlebars into her headchamber, but she’s still got a full tub of...]]> /video/6598355 http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6598355/cleverbot-has-profound-conversation-with-itself Tue, 30 Aug 2011 13:26:25 -0400 /article/6572577 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6572577/if-work-was-like-college Mon, 25 Jul 2011 13:47:55 -0400 I.

Boss: Work is from 10:30 to noon on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

Worker: Can I be hungover for Friday’s work?

Boss: Yes. Everyone will generally be hungover a third of the time. That is normal for work.

II.

Boss: Hey worker, I need some math solved.

W...]]> /article/6528194 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6528194/what-i-imagine-happens-when-my-apartment-is-shown Wed, 08 Jun 2011 12:53:06 -0400 -(opening door) This is the one-bedroom apartment I was telling you about earlier.

-Whoa, this is a lot bigger than I expected.

-It has all the basic amenities and comes with a free parking spot. The per...]]>