CollegeHumor: Death

Man Cheats Death Then Proposes Marriage

Sun, 22 Jan 2012 18:58:25 -0500

Two years later, he pretended he'd found her long lost twin sister and then asked for a divorce.

Death to Pennies

Wed, 30 Nov 2011 14:48:37 -0500

Get their two cents--while it's still possible.

Last Day Itinerary

Mon, 24 Oct 2011 11:12:59 -0400

“Live each day as if it were your last,” the final earthly advice my father ever gave me. It might not have been, had I succeeded in my attempts to dislodge the complimentary cookie from his trachea, but one can only do so much after consuming all of that MSG. I choose to blame the EMT, whose spring roll I ate when he left to go answer a call rendered my fingers too greasy to get a strong Heimlich grip.

I try not to think too much about that fateful night. It gives me a mean hankering for General Tso’s chicken, and I’d hate to have agita while I’m taking the small piece of paper my father ultimately flailed in my general direction to heart. There’s no time for dwelling in the past, especially not with my schedule. I tried fitting it in between pleasuring a mermaid and establishing a true democracy, but once I figured out those things didn’t exist, I decided to use the ten-minute block I allotted them for explaining to people my Last Day Itinerary. You’re bound to get some funny looks when you’re living life to the fullest. Even more so if it entails there being no tomorrow—or any day after, for that matter.

Last Day Itinerary

5:45 AM: Wake up. Set video camera up on a tripod.
...

Grandpa's Video Will

Thu, 27 Oct 2011 17:51:07 -0400

Coincidentally, he died trying to figure out how to turn the camera off.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Memorial

Mon, 24 Oct 2011 11:03:30 -0400

The sewers flooded during the storm. There was no way out. RIP turtles.

TMI Death Notice

Thu, 20 Oct 2011 16:43:37 -0400

The circumcision would have gone a lot faster if he didn't insist on using the toothpick.

80s Sitcom Predicted Gaddafi's Death

Thu, 20 Oct 2011 13:35:33 -0400

They also predicted Tamagotchis would be cool forever, so let's not give them too much credit.

Man Killed To Death

Wed, 19 Oct 2011 11:58:11 -0400

SECOND VICTIM RESCUED TO LIFE

Christmas Stockings Hidden Message

Wed, 12 Oct 2011 16:14:37 -0400

When you've got 10 kids Christmas gets expensive. Mourning is much cheaper.

Badass Kid Walks Away from Explosion

Wed, 05 Oct 2011 13:45:59 -0400

Crime doesn't play.

Grandma Wears Death to Hipsters Shirt

Mon, 26 Sep 2011 11:23:47 -0400

Also death to hips. Both of which she just had replaced.

Accidental Happy Birthday Wishes on Condolence Card

Fri, 23 Sep 2011 16:42:01 -0400

"Did I write birthday? I meant deathday."

Grim Reaper Supports All Troops

Wed, 21 Sep 2011 13:52:12 -0400

He was all for the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"

Sad Newspaper Poll

Fri, 19 Aug 2011 13:49:58 -0400

Her parents are probably just on a yacht with millions and millions of dollars.

Kitty Rigor Mortis Nap

Mon, 15 Aug 2011 15:04:43 -0400

"Awww, it looks like he's dead."

Truest Gravestone Ever

Thu, 28 Jul 2011 15:41:15 -0400

"You're telling me" - guy who had to build it

Toy "Macho Man" Randy Savage Funeral

Mon, 23 May 2011 17:05:30 -0400

The wrestling and action figures are fake, but the emotions are real.

Osama Bin Laden: Hide and Seek Champion 2001-2011

Mon, 02 May 2011 00:06:02 -0400

He probably thought we just stopped looking and went to watch TV.

Untitled 18

Thu, 03 Mar 2011 11:42:10 -0500

Eric: OK, so she immediately passed out. But I can hear the faint beat of a heart. Or maybe that's my watch. Y'know what, I should go check on her again.

Untitled 19

Sun, 06 Mar 2011 21:54:39 -0500

Mercedes for sale - slight dent on drivers side door.