Hello! I've recently noticed that I get extremely out of breath and sweaty while folding my laundry, so I've decided to join a gym. However, I've never really worked out before. Can you help me get started?

No problem! First things first: you're going to want to stop eating that Pop-Tart.

/embed/6867565 http://www.collegehumor.com/embed/6867565/people-vs-fitness Thu, 31 Jan 2013 12:44:17 -0500 /article/6861107 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6861107/calendar-of-excuses-for-why-youre-fat Fri, 04 Jan 2013 14:16:20 -0500

We, as an animal, are not fit to live in the world we've created for ourselves. Our biology hasn't caught up to our society and we're all suffering for it. Evolution states that we should be averse to things that do us harm, right? Dog shit smells bad so we don't go playing with it, dog shit tastes bad so we don't go eating it, everything about the way we perceive and interact with dog shit is unpleasant because it can only do us harm. So then why does my body not react violently to all of the things I do that are actively harming me? Why do I enjoy sugar and fat and cigarettes and not exercising? It's because my biology is moving like molasses. Evolution needs to speed the hell up.

We're so bad at evolving that we need laws to keep us from drinking a gallon of sugary soda. Laws! But it's not our fault. It's nature's fault for being so slow. We like sugary things because sugar is energy and cavemen had to get as much energy as they could when it was available. So our bodies are trained to take in as much sugar as we possibly can whenever we encounter it. The same goes for fat and salt. But sugar, fat, and salt are everywhere now – they're probably within arm's reach of you as you read this. Clearly, our bodies have screwed us yet again. Removing these things from your diet doesn't work either because, here's the tricky thing, you need them. So you have to train yourself to eat just a little sugar, a little fat and a little salt, even though your body is screaming for more. It's ridiculous.