CollegeHumor: Herpes

Herpes Pizza

Thu, 19 Jul 2012 14:24:56 -0400

This pizza is great. Every time you think it's all gone, some more reappears.

iPhone Herpes Autocorrect

Thu, 20 Oct 2011 12:08:00 -0400

This is exactly why I don't talk to my mom.

Honest Late Paper Excuse

Wed, 04 May 2011 06:31:12 -0400

My friend sent this (true) e-mail to her professor in a fit of finals hopelessness. I'll just say it did not help her cause.

Horse Herpes Ruins Pageant

Tue, 31 May 2011 16:01:41 -0400

More young dreams spoiled by herpes.

Untitled 4

Tue, 04 Jan 2011 17:21:15 -0500

I enjoy nothing more in life than getting Herpes with my family and friends.

Untitled 5

Tue, 28 Sep 2010 23:38:52 -0400

But only because Mindy is working the register.

To The Man In Stock Image #DSC0038901, I'm Sorry For Giving You Herpes.

Wed, 15 Sep 2010 10:41:52 -0400

Please know it could have been worse. I could have given you muscular distrophy, Parkinson's disease, or late-stage anal cancer, because we also market those treatment drugs here at Healthcare Synergy Marketing or as we like to call it, "The Dream Factory." I know this doesn’t make matters any better, but anal cancer is just as serious as it is hilarious. And so, I hope a good chuckle will temper your quiet sobbing and soften the blow of becoming the new face of herpes simplex type 2.

“But, herpes? Herpes? Why me? I’m approaching 60!”, you might be asking yourself. Well, in short, you are a handsome 60. And while I'm sure you'd bashfully disagree, all 34 people in our focus group suffering from this ravenous STD agree with me. Contrary to popular belief, HSV-2 is predominantly an affliction of people over age 70, in their apartments, among hoarded newspapers and war documentaries, battling loneliness by mashing together their brittle and highly contagious genitals. An act that induces vomiting both as a witness and participant. Which is where you come in. The “aspirational” image of you and your wife by that pond, laughing and feeding baby geese pieces of baguette, kills that bleak picture of reality, like herpes does to 3% of sufferers annually. It might be 2%. It might be 4%. But the point is, you’re part of the majority that, as the headline over you states, “Enjoy an active and healthy lifestyle thanks to once a day Valtrex.” In advertising lingo, we call that a home run. And you're the batter.

In a nutshell, you give sufferers hope; a silver lining. Metaphorically speaking of course, because in some cases, the lining of their urethra is actually inflamed.

I'm trying to stay positive here, but I know it might not be enough to stave off the anger and bargaining stage of grief. In which case, I should highlight your compensation package. The total figure I can't be sure of, although I imagine it to be quite a bit, since your likeness will be associated with herpes on a national level in magazines with the highest circulation. Magazines like Time, Newsweek, GQ, Sports Illustrated and Guns & Ammo. I know that last one came out of left field, but our research tells us there's a correlation between firearms and STDs. When readers finish all of the eight-point copy filling the three-page gatefold, they'll want to learn more at ditchtheitch.com, where they'll see you stretched out on your gingham picnic blanket, playfully wrestling a Frisbee away from your Shih Tzu. Another opportunity to cash in while becoming the familiar face of America's most unrelenting venereal disease.
...

Untitled 7

Mon, 14 Jun 2010 23:31:55 -0400

At first you'll go left, but once you've had a couple in you you'll unknowingly stumble to the right. TRUST ME!

Untitled 8

Thu, 04 Feb 2010 18:51:53 -0500

Because robots don't get herpes... yet.

Herpes is one of the few gifts that lasts forever

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 15:48:39 -0500

Boyfriend gives his girlfriend herpes for Valentine's Day.

Untitled 10

Sat, 16 May 2009 02:48:45 -0400

I'm telling you, it's the Craigslist killer just waiting to strike again.

Untitled 11

Thu, 30 Oct 2008 20:42:01 -0400

"Jesus, I baked you a cake what more do you want, an apology?"

Tis is a sad day indeed

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 00:08:57 -0400

Recent study shows that beer pong leads to herpes and drunkenness.

Herpex

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 13:22:46 -0500

The next generation of herpes medication.

Finally, a cure for herpes and linear, physics-based travel.

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 17:56:41 -0500

Eye Herpes = Real.

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 22:49:42 -0500

Orbitol: The Herpes Drug

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 19:41:11 -0400

With Orbitol, you'll never have to worry about herpes again. From "The Beeftrain Incident" www.beeftrainincident.com

Untitled 17

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 00:54:19 -0400

She wasn't answering her phone anymore.

Untitled 18

Mon, 06 Nov 2006 22:20:29 -0500

Frank: "That's alright, I don't even know what this pussy thing I have is called."

Untitled 19

Wed, 31 May 2006 19:51:52 -0400

Could you make the face sadder?