CollegeHumor: Interviews

If People Were Really Honest in Job Interviews

Tue, 14 May 2013 12:18:21 -0400

Interviewer
Thanks for taking the time to come in, although I'm sure you weren't busy at all, seeing as you're unemployed.
Applicant
Yeah, that's true. I mean I have DVR so I'm really not missing anything important. Although this is really early for me, I usually wake up around noon, lay in bed until 12:30. Ish.
Interviewer
Excellent. So why are you interested in this job?
Applicant
I'm not, I just need a job.
Interviewer
Okay. Just so you know, we will be taking advantage of you and paying you the bare minimum.
Applicant
And just so you know, I will be doing the bare minimum.
Interviewer
Okay, but our expectations are going to be, let's say, unreasonably high. Like if you could be as much like a high-speed robot as possible, that would be ideal.
Applicant
Yeah, I'm not interested in any of that. I'm pretty much looking for a job where I don't have to move much or think much, so I have the time and energy to do the things I actually care about.
Interviewer
Why don't you get a job doing the things you care about?
Applicant
I'm trying, but in the interim I need a job that will barely cover my cost of living. You know what I'm saying?
Interviewer
I think so. I was once like you, had dreams. But I gave up on them. I gave up on all my dreams, and that's why I'm here.
Applicant
I thought that might be the case. I mean I assumed it was. I guessed that you used to be full of life, but after years in this place, you had every last bit of hope drained from your body.
Interviewer
Yes, that's exactly what happened. And now what I do is take that hope out of people younger than me, the people I hire, and basically I harvest it. It's like — are you familiar with how vampires work?
Applicant
Sure.
Interviewer
Great, I'll make note of that. So I'm like a vampire, a hope vampire, and when you leave here every day, you'll be completely devoid of hope or happiness.
Applicant
So you're like a Dementor, really.
Interviewer
Yes! I wasn't sure if Harry Potter was something you were familiar with, but yeah, I'm a Dementor.
Applicant
Okay, so is everyone I've ever worked for.
Interviewer
Great! This is going really well. What are your biggest strengths and weaknesses?
Applicant
I have very few strengths that would be of any use at all in this kind of environment. I'd say my biggest weakness, if you wanna call it that, is that I just don't care.
Interviewer
And why did you leave your last job?
Applicant
I wanted to move on and do other things.
Interviewer
Which means…
Applicant
I was fired.
Interviewer
Good, good. Well I'll let you know, and by that I mean I'll never call you, and will instead leave you waiting and wondering for weeks.
Applicant
Business as usual!

...

Ted on Jimmy Kimmel Live

Wed, 12 Dec 2012 10:42:55 -0500

Pretty cushy interview, if you ask me.

Voice Drastically Changes During Interview

Wed, 05 Dec 2012 10:19:25 -0500

Proof that robot warriors live amongst us, waiting to strike. Or it was just a playback error.

Woody Allen Answers 12 Unusual Questions

Mon, 03 Dec 2012 14:06:20 -0500

Eighty percent of success is showing up and answering weird questions.

Kimmel Interviews NYU Reply-All-Calypse Student

Thu, 29 Nov 2012 10:28:42 -0500

"And lo, there will be a man named Wiseltier, and he shall be the first sign of the Reply-All-Calypse."

Vacuum Cleaner Man Interview Takes Amazing Left Turn

Wed, 28 Nov 2012 11:13:38 -0500

Somebody get this lady some beads.

Angus Jones Urges Fans to Stop Watching Two and a Half Men

Wed, 28 Nov 2012 11:22:43 -0500

The show is "filth"

Interview the Internet: On Harry Potter Fan Fiction

Mon, 26 Nov 2012 13:55:01 -0500

In "Interview the Internet," Jamie Schuh investigates the sub-cultures and unique characters that populate the strangest corners of the Internet.

What do teen girls do alone in their bedrooms? Look up chloroform recipes? Kiss their Justin Bieber posters are whisper "tomorrow you will be mine?" Yes, probably, but also teen girls are writing fan fiction about boys kissing each other. Not all of them, sure, but a lot of them. A friend of mine, who we will simply call "L," because she has a grown-up job and life now, was writing sexy Harry Potter stories a few years ago, mostly about the series' male characters rubbing their wands together (a few selections are still online here). On a quest to find out what was so titillating about wizards humping each other, I sat down with L to ask her about her secret life as a fan fiction writer. Here we go!

Drunk NASCAR Driver's Victory Interview

Mon, 19 Nov 2012 09:59:32 -0500

At least he waited until after the race to switch to beer.

Do Cute Kids Like Snoop Dogg?

Fri, 26 Oct 2012 15:38:33 -0400

"For shizzle." - these kizzles

Honey Boo Boo "Falls Asleep" During Interview

Mon, 22 Oct 2012 17:28:13 -0400

The "Dr." in Dr. Drew literally just stands for those two letters now.

Nardwuar vs. Carly Rae Jepsen

Thu, 18 Oct 2012 16:49:46 -0400

Call him a great interviewer.

Invasion Talk

Thu, 04 Oct 2012 13:04:24 -0400

Pat & Street sit down with an extraterrestrial expert to find out the truth about aliens, or at the very least some cool facts about them.

Nardwuar Interviews Riff Raff

Fri, 05 Oct 2012 11:43:37 -0400

Wait, I thought "doo doo doo" was a Riff Raff lyric.

NFL Player Partakes in the "Meow" Game on SportsCenter

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 17:54:12 -0400

He's the Falcon's pajamas.

Hal Clapp (aka Bob Odenkirk) vs.The Soft Pack

Thu, 20 Sep 2012 15:28:32 -0400

All we are saying is give this interview a chance.

Portlandia's Feminist Bookstore Lady Interviews Dinosaur Jr.

Wed, 08 Aug 2012 13:09:26 -0400

In certain stores sometime.

Norwegian 13-Year-Old Interviews Snoop Dogg

Tue, 07 Aug 2012 18:38:46 -0400

Excuse me, The Rapper Formerly Known as Snoop Dogg.

Tim Heidecker Interviews Batman

Mon, 16 Jul 2012 11:31:40 -0400

What a Joker.

Kyle Interviews Miami Heat Fans

Fri, 29 Jun 2012 14:15:26 -0400

It's a real slim dank.