8 Beer Innovations I'd Actually Use

Thu, 16 May 2013 17:36:12 -0400

Over the years, Beer companies have attempted to improve your drinking experience with several half-assed "improvements" to their cans and bottles; and while wide-mouthed cans and cold-activated logos are nice, they don't exactly scream "CONSUME ME AND ONLY ME FOR THE REST OF YOUR PATHETIC LIFE." As such, I propose these actual alcoholic innovations to make drinking beer even more fun than it already was.

...

Top 10 Coolest Movie Inventions

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 13:21:00 -0400

10. Inception Machine

Inception introduced all kinds of crazy concepts though its shared dream briefcase that's never really explained. It's a dangerous process, though: people can get injured, die, and even get trapped in a terrible fantasy realm that renders you an insane octogenarian by the time you're rescued. But I'm not looking to topple a multinational corporation, I just want to make sure someone else is down with where I want to go for lunch today, or maybe just take a Ski Break one Sunday night with a couple of famous dogs. I could handle that just fine.
...

8 Highdeas You Have To Read NOW

Thu, 28 Feb 2013 14:01:45 -0500

The fact that marijuana can inspire creativity and original thought would be hard to argue against. From Bob Marley to Bell Bottoms, highdeas have changed our world mostly for the better. When I have found myself high – always by accident – I, too, have experienced rushes of creativity. My mind pours out brilliant ideas that I am careful to e-mail to myself lest they be forgotten and our world remain unchanged. Here are eight selections that I think will highlight the depth of my brilliance to all who read them.

TLDNR: 3 More Inventions to Change the World

Mon, 26 Nov 2012 16:38:16 -0500

The last time we talked about inventions I discussed my idea for license plates with EZ-Passes built in, a rolling suitcase that turns into a chair and a pillow for couples trying to watch TV on a couch. This time I have three new inventions and no big intro story because I kind of blew the one invention-related anecdote I had on that first article. Anyway, hopefully you can still enjoy the ideas without a long-winded introduction.

...

TLDNR: 3 Incredible Inventions to Change the World

Fri, 19 Oct 2012 11:54:56 -0400

In fourth grade my school participated in something called The Invention Convention. The idea was that every elementary school student in the country would dream up an idea, create a working model, and be ranked by an elite group of third, fourth, and fifth grade teachers who were stupid enough to volunteer to judge the competition. My invention was for a new type of mailbox that had a tray attached to the door. When you opened the door the tray would slide out with your mail on it, making it easier to grab. I got the idea after watching my dad struggle to reach into our mailbox from the car which, while funny, seemed like a setup that could be improved upon. One time he was struggling to reach so much that he farted, which was another reason my invention would be useful, as I, riding shotgun that day, was in the direct line of fire.

My father had also participated in an Invention Convention when he was a kid, but only came up with a device called the Egg Crusher, which was a hammer, secured to a piece of wood, that would drop and smash an egg. He did not place well for the fairly obvious reason that crushing an egg, should you ever need to do that, is easy enough without a hammer-wood contraption. I was determined to reclaim my family's good name with my sliding tray mailbox idea.

As I scanned the convention hall (gym), I was fairly confident. Most kids had egg crusher-level inventions on display: hastily made devices that served no real world purpose. Mine, on the other hand, was an improvement on a device everyone in my town used daily. When it came time for the awards I was defeated by the single stupidest one in the room: An automatic bed maker. The perfect invention for a stupid kid whose worldview consisted only of their own home. The winner, who shall remain nameless except that her name was Molly Bradley, proudly accepted the award for her foolish, impractical invention while I was left with nothing but a working prototype of a revolutionary device.

By the way, sliding tray mailboxes hit the market about two years later, leading me to believe that the Invention Convention is just a ploy to steal little kids' ideas and create them before they're smart enough to see they've been robbed. I still constantly think of inventions but now, many years older, I'm not naive enough to think I can personally benefit from my thoughts. As with the rigged Invention Convention, some huge corporation will just copy my idea and I will be stuck draining my savings trying to sue them. So now I invent for invention's sake, or because I just want these products and ideas to exist. So go ahead and steal them. I'll ask that you cut me in on the profits but you, like the thieves who stole my mailbox ideas, will probably just play dumb.

...

The Popinator

Mon, 17 Sep 2012 14:16:43 -0400

Shut up and feed me popcorn while I watch "Futurama."

The Worst Bike Ever

Wed, 29 Aug 2012 15:40:30 -0400

Don't worry, it's not available yet, so you can remind your parents about your birthday.

Chill New Product Makes Beer Cold in 2 Minutes

Wed, 20 Jun 2012 17:06:26 -0400

Wow, that's even less time than it normally takes for me to embarrass myself while drinking.

MIT Makes Ketchup Easier to Pour

Wed, 23 May 2012 14:14:18 -0400

Hot dog, that's great innovation.

1955 Hover Board Existed

Fri, 18 May 2012 11:45:13 -0400

This just in via a telegram we found in the basement.

Homemade Chairlift For Cats

Tue, 08 May 2012 11:15:33 -0400

Absolutely the least crazy Russian invention in a long while.

Coffee Faucet

Fri, 13 Apr 2012 13:49:57 -0400

Finally, no more having to go to the coffee maker to get a fresh cup of joe.

Shirt That Tells You When You Have An Email

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 17:24:11 -0400

"You've got dumb clothes."

Solution to World Energy Crisis

Thu, 22 Mar 2012 12:45:21 -0400

Don't try this at home--unless that's where you keep your surge protectors.

Sticky Buddy Redub

Fri, 02 Mar 2012 01:16:31 -0500

Finally, an infomercial that tells it like it is.

Terrifying Giant Spider Puppet

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 00:14:26 -0500

People need to stop inventing things that need to be destroyed.

Innovative Pillow

Thu, 05 Jan 2012 12:31:08 -0500

We're officially living in the future!

Super-Fun Water Jet Pack Shoes

Tue, 13 Dec 2011 14:08:24 -0500

Finally, a way to have fun in the water.

Transformer Bicycle

Tue, 06 Dec 2011 17:32:10 -0500

It goes from regular to less regular right before your eyes.

Homemade Electrical Vagina Presentation

Thu, 01 Dec 2011 12:24:43 -0500

There was a tie for the "most likely to never talk to a girl ever again" superlative.

CollegeHumor: Inventions