It's not that I want a girlfriend who reminds me of my mother, I just need somebody who wants to devote nine months to my personal growth.

— Alex Schmidt (@AlexSchmidty) July 10, 2012

the g spot should really be called the r spot or the nc-17 spot. as long as its not the pg-13 spot. parental supervision not recommended.

— Hallie Cantor (@halliecantor) July 11, 2012

nicolas cage in national treasure 3, discovers there are actually a bunch of i's in the word "team" hidden by martin van buren

— Andrew Bridgman (@AndyBridgman) July 8, 2012

Holmesward Bound: #KatieHolmes' Incredible Journey back from #Scientology.

— Hesley Harps (@HesleyHarps) July 5, 2012

Just figured out why the Hulk keeps his pants on when he transforms. We all know the side effects of steroids…

— Julie Shain (@julieshain) July 9, 2012

Just figured out how to give someone oral sex using telekinesis, MIND = BLOWN.

— Caldwell Tanner (@caldy) July 12, 2012

The other passengers on my red eye flight weren't interested in discussing how we'd all be spending the night together in a flying sky bed.

— Jeff Rubin (@JeffRubinShow) July 7, 2012

I like it when things come full circle, because it usually means you're punctuating a sentence correctly.

— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) July 8, 2012

#PeepuddleFriday @urinal, @widestance, @badaim, @oneoffender, or @manysmalldrips

— jaredneumark (@jaredneumark) June 15, 2012

"The best revenge is living well." — guy who's never sabotaged a high-stakes game of Jenga

— Ben Kling (@benkling) July 7, 2012

HELP NEEDED: would like a pair of TOMS One for One but wouldn't like to give to charity, please advise

— Saj Pothiawala (@sajpo) July 10, 2012

"Those would be a lot cuter if they had faces on them and were cute." -Thing I just said about sandbags but is really true of everything.

— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) July 10, 2012

ERRYBODY WHO LOVE A SLOPPY RIPE NECTARINE SAY YEEAAAAHHH!

— Kelly Hudson (@citizenhudson) July 12, 2012

The ratio of effort to deliciousness in creating a grilled cheese disproves most laws of physics.

— Ben Joseph (@jenboseph) July 12, 2012

Girlfriend Tips: If your girlfriend is crying, leave her alone! It's none of your business.

— Kevin Corrigan (@kevincorrigan) June 7, 2012

Did you catch the #ESPYs tribute to Groucho Marx? They made professional basketball players use the same mic as 5' 2" Danica Patrick.

— Jesse Eisemann (@eisemann) July 12, 2012

Pretty convenient that Grandpa Joe's legs suddenly started working as soon as the opportunity arose to go on a tour of a candy factory.

— Adam Conover (@adamconover) July 12, 2012

"It's fun to stay at the… Young! Men's! Christian Association!" -large groups of Jews at every Bar Mitzvah

— Dan Siegel (@dssiegel) July 12, 2012

never yell "fire" in a crowded shooting range

— Dan Siegel (@dssiegel) July 12, 2012

Just got caught in a bachelorette party walking on the street and felt like simba in the wildebeest stampede

— Emily Axford (@eaxford) July 12, 2012

It doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how many people were watching.

— Streeter Seidell (@streetseidell) July 10, 2012

...]]> /article/6792667 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6792667/staff-jokes-july-6-2012 Thu, 05 Jul 2012 14:14:31 -0400

Honey Nut Cheerios should be re-called regular Cheerios, and regular Cheerios should just be recalled.

— Amir Blumenfeld (@jakeandamir) /picture/6788285 http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/6788285/popsicle-stick-jokes-send-mixed-message Tue, 26 Jun 2012 12:25:08 -0400 /article/6786746 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6786746/staff-jokes-june-22-2012 Fri, 22 Jun 2012 11:08:28 -0400

The most well-mapped area of the entire world is the street where the Google street view car driver's ex girlfriend lives

— Streeter Seidell (@streetseidell) /article/6783847 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6783847/staff-jokes-june-15-2012 Fri, 15 Jun 2012 09:59:42 -0400

When its 90 degrees, all pants are sweat pants for me.

Streeter Seidell (@streetseidell) May 26, 2012

/video/6779604 http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6779604/olivia-munn-brings-the-house-down-at-airtime-launch-with-racist-joke Wed, 06 Jun 2012 10:51:48 -0400 /link/6768350 http://www.ranker.com/list/the-best-and-quot_your-mom-and-quot_-jokes-in-internet-history/greg Fri, 11 May 2012 15:47:50 -0400