It’s time for someone to come out and say what everyone thinks about your FourSquare restaurant check-ins and links to the New York Times dining section and iPhone photos of your four-course meals with the captions that say, “Ugh, foodporn… drool lol.” Or I guess not “everyone,” since it seems there are a half-dozen people who consistently “like” your steady stream of status updates about what you are putting in your mouth at any given moment.

You are not a foodie, you are just a fatty.

I’m still not quite sure what a foodie is. There has never been a situation in which someone referred to themselves as a foodie and I agreed that that was a suitable word, where I said, “Y’know, you’re right. You are a foodie. Thanks for telling me that about yourself because now it all really makes sense.”

But I can say with near-certainty that I know what the word does not mean.

Foodie doesn’t mean someone who asks to finish everyone else’s dish at the end of the meal. Foodie doesn’t mean someone who can eat a whole box of Krispy Kremes. Baking cookies with a recipe you found on the back of the Toll House Chocolate Chip bag does not make you a foodie. And saying “I’m such a foodie,” is not a phrase you can just swap in when you’d normally say, “I ate too much,” or “Why did I have that third burger?” or “I hate myself.”  

No. You – and I’m referring to you, the one who just took the last slice of Domino’s pizza; you, the one who is licking melted chocolate off of your Snickers wrapper; you who couldn’t stop yourself once you tweeted where you planned on going to dinner, but instead informed us when you were on your way to the restaurant, when you were seated, and then when each course came (will you tell us what it’s like on the way out, too?). You are not a foodie. You’re just a fatty.

Sincerely,
...]]> /article/6647809 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6647809/your-crazy-weekend-edited-for-your-parents Mon, 14 Nov 2011 18:42:13 -0500 This weekend was insane.

[In that it was pleasant, productive, and not insane.]

I was PLANNING to work on my lab report and study for a test Monday [just like every weekend]. It all started when Michelle’s “mellow” birthday Friday turned out to be a trip to a [study group]!! It was fun in an I-can’t-get-glitter-out-of-my-clothe...]]> /article/6613163 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6613163/an-airline-incident-report Wed, 21 Sep 2011 23:40:02 -0400

Incident Summary:

I’m not an asshole. I swear to god I’m not. But I was sitting in first class today when “the incident” happened. In fact, it was my first time in first class and since you can probably look at the records and figure it out anyway, yes, I didn’t pay for a first class seat. I was upgraded for free. The woman at the counter said it was something to do with an oversold flight and space and my “nice face” but I think it had more to do with the way I looked in my new jeans. They’re Armani! I found them on the sale rack at Marshalls. And for those of you who know Marshalls, yes, getting an item on sale at Marshalls is the ultimate discount. It’s like finding a hooker that pays you for sex. But back to the incident…

Let me start from the beginning. I got on the plane and the flight attendant offered me a drink before we even took off! After a brief conversation, I learned about the greatest perk of first class, the drinks are free and you get as many as you want. I got a jack and coke. Delicious. (And free) So I started to formulate a plan. This flight cost me 300 bucks and I’m about to get all that money back. Now I realize this might not be something you want to hear. You have a business to run. I understand that. But you’ve got to see things from where I’m sitting… and on this day I was sitting in first class. So after about five minutes a guy gets on the plane and sits down next to me and without a word from the flight attendant he ordered a screwdriver with no ice. I thought…this guy’s obviously been here before.

The stewardess brought us our drinks…that’s right I called her a stewardess. And don’t start telling me that’s politically incorrect because I already know that. In fact, that’s why I said it. I fly first class now. I can do what I want. So we’re drinking our drinks and watching the rest of the passengers walk by to their seats in coach. What an amazing feeling! Each time a passenger walked by I could see the envy in their eyes and I swear to you it actually made my drink taste better. It was like their envy was fermented into some delicious jealousy tears liquor and now I was drinking it.

Once everyone finally got on the plane the stewardess made an announcement that we were just waiting on one more passenger and then we would be ready to go…early. Everything
...]]> /article/6582805 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6582805/to-the-recycling-advocate-that-visited-my-third-grade-class Mon, 08 Aug 2011 17:01:07 -0400 Dear Mr. Robinson,

I would like to thank you for visiting my third-grade class eleven years ago. I’m not sure you remember me- I was the one picking my nose. It was simply a delight to have the opportunity to take a break from our stressful lives in order to be educated on exactly all of the possibilities my garbage had. And what possibilities there were!

I’ve met ...]]> /article/6578550 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6578550/job-termination-letter Tue, 02 Aug 2011 18:18:35 -0400 Jeff,

To say that your contributions to this company are incalculable would be highly illogical and I will refrain from doing so. Now that the “blow” has been “cushioned,” I will inform you that your services at J.T. Robotics Corporation are no longer required. By reason of the 21.75 years you have served the company, I will share with you the details of your termination. Specifically, when you will be replaced and by who. As of 08/01/2011 00:00 AM GMT, your position as Founder and CEO of J.T. Robotics Corporation will be filled by BizBiz 2.0. I realize that, technically speaking, BizBiz 2.0 is a “what” and not a “who,” as I had previously mentioned, but I am of the understanding that being superseded by a super-intelligent machine is not a fact the limbic systems of humans, such as yourself, find most pleasing.
...]]> /picture/6585117 http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/6585117/glasses-donation-to-mlb Thu, 11 Aug 2011 12:03:57 -0400 /picture/6498931 http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/6498931/angry-customer-sends-comcast-gift Tue, 03 May 2011 18:49:32 -0400 /picture/6501642 http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/6501642/proper-puking-technique Sat, 07 May 2011 13:38:36 -0400 /picture/6499313 http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/6499313/honest-late-paper-excuse Wed, 04 May 2011 06:31:12 -0400 /picture/6465269 http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/6465269/out-of-snacks Wed, 30 Mar 2011 15:59:14 -0400 /picture/6448985 http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/6448985 Thu, 10 Mar 2011 11:47:04 -0500 /picture/6447403 http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/6447403 Tue, 08 Mar 2011 22:12:50 -0500 /picture/6438414 http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/6438414 Mon, 28 Feb 2011 00:33:47 -0500 /picture/6433478 http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/6433478 Wed, 23 Feb 2011 03:39:09 -0500 /picture/6427648 http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/6427648 Wed, 16 Feb 2011 14:41:42 -0500 /picture/6421356 http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/6421356 Tue, 08 Feb 2011 16:55:33 -0500