I am writing to express my interest in being another sheet of paper that you skim. Due to my palpable lack of marketable skills, I am confident that I can make myself completely forgettable in the space of a few paragraphs. You will see that I am highly capable of this. I have two bachelor’s degrees. I’m sure that the following embellishments of my m...]]> /picture/6630504 http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/6630504/wedding-congratulations-from-hotel Wed, 19 Oct 2011 12:56:12 -0400 /article/6585863 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6585863/an-open-letter-to-that-guy-at-my-office Fri, 12 Aug 2011 11:15:05 -0400 Hey Dude,

As you know, I’m entering the third week of my internship at this office and so far things have been great—everyone has been polite and my boss isn’t as big a dick as I originally thought. If I had to complain about one thing though, I guess it would be you.

When I first met you, you seemed like a normal guy; you had no detectable body odor, you were wearing pants, and you had no visible scars on your face that would indicate that you’re part of a crime syndicate, all things I look for when meeting new people. However, after three weeks here, I now know that you may very well be the child of Satan.

I understand that it’s hard to make friends; you need to find people who enjoy the same things you do and then cultivate that relationship until it turns into mutual respect. But you have chosen to bypass that system completely by just showing up at my cubicle at random intervals throughout the day and spewing whatever garbage comes to your mind. I don’t care about the weather and I don’t want to know what you did this weekend, although I’m sure that weeding your garden must have been an awe-inspiring experience.

I thought things were at the lowest point, but then I discovered that you had added me as a friend on Facebook. What I’m truly confused about is why you think I care about these mundane events, when nobody else in the office seems to. I personally blame the fact that I chose to answer your seemingly innocent question in the cafeteria one day instead of awkwardly shuffling in place and clearing my throat like the other people. Little did I know that “Cold enough for you?” would soon turn into, “Do you want to see pictures of my cat doing something that only I find entertaining?”

Every time I want to get up and pour myself some coffee from the kitchen, I need to plan my route with ninja-like efficiency to avoid any face to face contact with you. Thankfully I have plenty of experience from playing the Metal Gear Solid saga and I know that the best way to distract you is by knocking on a neighbouring cubicle and then running in the opposite direction when you approach. Still, somehow you manage to corner me in the most awkward rooms in the office at the most inappropriate times. Here’s a tip for you: if I have anything in my hand that is either edible or can expel urine, it is probably not the greatest time for a conversation.
...]]> /picture/6591188 http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/6591188/sex-letter-to-neighbor Fri, 19 Aug 2011 11:28:22 -0400 /article/6563258 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6563258/earlier-drafts-of-teenage-mutant-ninja-turtles Tue, 12 Jul 2011 11:32:11 -0400 Teenagers

Hey Jerry, thanks again for the script; this idea has a lot of promise and we’re all excited to work on it. Shows about teenagers do well and that points to some successful numbers. The only problems I see is that rather than stick to a conventional narrative or story-arc you seemed to throw those tropes to the wind; you specified that these four teenag...]]> /picture/6471397 http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/6471397/big-black-dude-letter-to-neighbor Wed, 06 Apr 2011 21:08:08 -0400 /picture/6503228 http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/6503228/a-letter-to-noah-from-the-unicorns Mon, 09 May 2011 19:10:12 -0400 /video/6415086 http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6415086/the-movie-alphabet Tue, 01 Feb 2011 11:57:29 -0500 /video/6344104 http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6344104/the-alphabet-song-2010 Tue, 16 Nov 2010 23:46:31 -0500 /article/6287796 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6287796/to-the-man-in-stock-image-dsc0038901-im-sorry-for-giving-you-herpes Wed, 15 Sep 2010 10:41:52 -0400 Please know it could have been worse. I could have given you muscular distrophy, Parkinson’s disease, or late-stage anal cancer, because we also market those treatment drugs here at Healthcare Synergy Marketing or as we like to call it, “The Dream Factory.” I know this doesn’t make matters any better, but anal cancer is just as serious as it is hilarious. And so, I hope a good chuckle will temper your quiet sobbing and soften the blow of becoming the new face of herpes simplex type 2.

“But, herpes? Herpes? Why me? I’m approaching 60!”, you might be asking yourself. Well, in short, you are a handsome 60. And while I’m sure you’d bashfully disagree, all 34 people in our focus group suffering from this ravenous STD agree with me. Contrary to popular belief, HSV-2 is predominantly an affliction of people over age 70, in their apartments, among hoarded newspapers and war documentaries, battling loneliness by mashing together their brittle and highly contagious genitals. An act that induces vomiting both as a witness and participant. Which is where you come in. The “aspirational” image of you and your wife by that pond, laughing and feeding baby geese pieces of baguette, kills that bleak picture of reality, like herpes does to 3% of sufferers annually. It might be 2%. It might be 4%. But the point is, you’re part of the majority that, as the headline over you states, “Enjoy an active and healthy lifestyle thanks to once a day Valtrex.” In advertising lingo, we call that a home run. And you’re the batter. 

In a nutshell, you give sufferers hope; a silver lining. Metaphorically speaking of course, because in some cases, the lining of their urethra is actually inflamed.

I’m trying to stay positive here, but I know it might not be enough to stave off the anger and bargaining stage of grief. In which case, I should highlight your compensation package. The total figure I can’t be sure of, although I imagine it to be quite a bit, since your likeness will be associated with herpes on a national level in magazines with the highest circulation. Magazines like Time, Newsweek, GQ, Sports Illustrated and Guns & Ammo. I know that last one came out of left field, but our research tells us there’s a correlation between firearms and STDs. When readers finish all of the eight-point copy filling the three-page gatefold, they’ll want to learn more at ditchtheitch.com, where they’ll see you stretched out on your gingham picnic blanket, playfully wrestling a Frisbee away from your Shih Tzu. Another opportunity to cash in while becoming the familiar face of America’s most unrelenting venereal disease.
...]]> /picture/6224925 http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/6224925 Sun, 18 Jul 2010 07:22:04 -0400 /link/6229112 http://www.dearlindsaylohan.com/ Thu, 22 Jul 2010 15:39:20 -0400 /link/6222383 http://www.collegehumor.com/out2/15001/url/www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/07/15/kids-write-the-darndest-t_n_646740.html Thu, 15 Jul 2010 11:56:25 -0400 /picture/6056782 http://www.collegehumor.com/picture/6056782 Sun, 02 May 2010 23:04:08 -0400 /article/6042277 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6042277/dantes-levels-of-hell-advice-column Wed, 21 Apr 2010 03:21:26 -0400

I can’t bring myself to ascribe to the entirety of Christian doctrine. Their message of peace and good will towards mankind rings true, but humanism suits me more than Catholicism. How can I avoid burning in hell for all of eternity?

Perspiring in Pittsburg, PA
...]]> /link/5979699 http://www.boingboing.net/2010/03/10/little-billys-letter.html Mon, 15 Mar 2010 14:14:03 -0400 /article/3964376 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3964376/a-recent-letter-from-marty-to-doc-brown Thu, 02 Apr 2009 14:03:44 -0400 Co-written with Pat “Handsome” Cassels.

...]]>