CollegeHumor: Monologues http://www.collegehumor.com/tag/monologues Funny Videos, Funny Pictures, Funny Links! /embed/6693079 http://www.collegehumor.com/embed/6693079/ricky-gervais-golden-globes-2012-opening-monologue Ricky Gervais Golden Globes 2012 Opening Monologue Tue, 17 Jan 2012 15:29:02 -0500 /article/6678603 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6678603/look-at-my-fucking-canada-goose-jacket LOOK AT MY F*CKING CANADA GOOSE JACKET! Wed, 28 Dec 2011 16:46:46 -0500 Look at my fucking Canada Goose jacket! Fucking look at it!! Do you know what this jacket means?! It means I'm warm as fuck right now! That's right! I have a long day ahead of me, but I sure as hell won't be as cold as you idiots in your moderately priced winter clothes!! I'm the fucking creative director for the fourth biggest tech blog on the East Coast! Go visit our websi...]]> /article/6630728 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6630728/i-prefer-the-term-crack-enthusiast I Prefer the Term "Crack Enthusiast" Wed, 19 Oct 2011 19:48:55 -0400 Hey guys. Dwayne. Pete. Ryan. Look, I'm sure you guys mean well with this whole 'intervention' thing but it's misplaced, not to mention hurtful. I mean, guys: I'm not a crack addict-I'm a crack enthusiast.

There's a huge difference, okay Dwayne? What I do between these three-and-a-half walls is my business, and my business alone. I'm a responsibl...]]> /article/6622025 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6622025/the-shortest-presidential-campaign-on-record The Shortest Presidential Campaign On Record* Wed, 05 Oct 2011 22:27:41 -0400 *this statement was not confirmed by checking actual records

October 2011


4:42 P.M.

As I watched every politician, television pundit, and one time corporate stooge announce their intention to joi...]]> /article/6563261 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6563261/i-should-warn-you-im-psychic I Should Warn you, I'm Psychic Tue, 12 Jul 2011 11:35:48 -0400 Before we begin this job interview at your fine establishment, you should know I carry a dark secret. No, not the felony thing. We've been over the felony thing- just listen, okay? The secret, my dear sir, is that I am gifted with psychic powers.

How you chuckle. My my, how you chuckle.

You might question me like so many others, but as you stare deep into my eyes you'll see your own eyes reflecting back at you, terrified, and you'll freak out because, haha, I just stole your eyes.

Eye-stealing is just a thing us psychics do.

Am I qualified to be your new barista? No. But am I qualified to see the mysteries of fate unfold before me? Yes. Also, wait, I am totally qualified to be your new barista.
...]]> /article/6587763 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6587763/think-bacon Think Bacon. Mon, 15 Aug 2011 01:56:58 -0400 Here's to the breakfast lovers.

The holders of greasy spoons. The hotcake hoppers. The nieces and nephews of Jemima. The ones who passionately believe in salt, pepper and the pursuit of pork products.

The purveyors of watery coffee and the consumers of saran wrapped, frozen, twice re-heated, so-called pastries. The hash browns of society. The ones who always carry a bottl...]]> /article/6593717 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6593717/my-8th-grade-vocal-recital-i-am-not-going-to-cry-this-time My 8th grade vocal recital: I am not going to cry this time Tue, 23 Aug 2011 16:21:48 -0400 I cannot wait for you to hear my voice in today's recital. I will sound exactly like Whitney Houston and Sarah Brightman plus Lisa Lisa.

Last time I sang "Touch The Wind" and the time before that "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" but it all got ruined. This will not happen today and I cannot wait to prove my talents to you.

Today I will be singi...]]> /article/6597900 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6597900/summer-movie-wrap-up-by-your-ex-boyfriend Summer Movie Wrap-Up! By Your Ex-Boyfriend Mon, 29 Aug 2011 20:35:58 -0400 THOR
Really? Thor? You're doing this at freaking Thor?

Seriously. Thor will be the last movie we see together as a couple. Forever. And that's fine with you? Your actions have permanently burned the image of this cut-rate, Norwegian He-Man into my psyche. So, thanks for that.

You could have said something before the movie. I mean, I should have seen the signs. You didn't hold my hand. You barely glanced at me through the whole thing. And you were sending a LOT of texts. Like, a lot. Plus you kind of moaned when he took his shirt off. It was pretty loud. I mean yeah, I get it, but still, I was RIGHT there.

But no, you made me wait through that whole stupid ice elf thing, the boring part where he has no powers, the loud, flashy, seizure-inducing conclusion, and the even the stupid random Avengers promo after the credits. You let us get all the way outside the theater before you told me that you weren't happy.

OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT HAPPY, WE JUST SAW THOR!

BRIDESMAIDS
...]]> /article/6563250 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6563250/you-have-to-see-my-band You Have to See my Band Tue, 12 Jul 2011 11:20:45 -0400 Listen: you have to come see my band tonight.

Remember how I told you how you had to see Shrek and you finally saw it and you said it was actually kind of good? Well my band is even better than that. Imagine if Shrek had a sequel. We're that good.

We're the Backstreet Boys of the lower-upper Brookyln area, mostly because we're all in our mid thirties by now and...]]> /article/6587766 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6587766/our-stageplay-of-jaws-2-will-be-perfomred-in-full-3d OUR STAGEPLAY OF JAWS 2 WILL BE PERFORMED IN FULL 3D Mon, 15 Aug 2011 01:58:30 -0400 ZQMNFMGV8XER
That's right, our classically trained community theater group have finally embraced that new fangled three dimensional craze in our latest production, the stage adaptation of Jaws 2.

Now the theatrical arts, long thought of, along with the literary arts, as entertainment's great curmudgeons of technological advancement, can fina...]]> /article/3932403 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3932403/the-honest-older-guy-on-your-spring-break-trip The Honest Older Guy on Your Spring Break Trip Wed, 11 Mar 2009 06:48:36 -0400

Hey, baby! How are you? Good, good, I don't care, good. I only asked because it's easier to see you naked if I seem interested in your thoughts, which are probably about how I have a six pack. Did you notice my six pack?
...]]> /article/3931577 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3931577/please-let-me-watch-your-kids Please Let Me Watch Your Kids Tue, 10 Mar 2009 20:55:04 -0400
Please let me watch your kids. I need the work. I have no more money. My…my wife left me. She took everything. T.V., stereo, Nordic track, all the food… I've got nothing. I am begging you. Please let me watch your kids.
...]]> /article/3733499 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3733499/gawd-everyone-in-this-computer-lab-is-a-loser Gawd, Everyone In This Computer Lab Is A Loser Wed, 05 Nov 2008 13:58:24 -0500
Dude, this is the lamest computer lab in the history of computer labs. I can't believe I'm actually in the same room as these losers.

I mean, check out Mr. "Grade-A douche" to the rig...]]> /article/3542150 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3542150/holy-cow-am-i-in-deep-with-the-missus Holy Cow, Am I In Deep With The Missus Tue, 19 Aug 2008 10:04:37 -0400

Wow, I am just in a whole world of hurt right now on the homestead.

Yes, I definitely faked my own death to score a big promotion- insensitive at worst, I would say. I certainly didn't hear any complaining when the new range and KitchenAid dishwasher got delivered, that's for sure. True, I also selected my son as my "most def fave" family member when threatened by the former District Attorney. Does any of this mean I deserve a few nights on the couch? I would say no.

What everyone including my wife needs to understand is that sometimes, you just love another family member a little more. That doesn't mean I'm a bad person, it just means that when I bring home some half-ass bundle of dead flowers on our Anniversary, she should try to ignore the seven puppies I bought for the little man's 8th B-day. It's just like, suck it up, you know? No one comes snivelling up to me with a blanket and a cup of Whole Bean Roast coffee when I watch literally 2-300 cops get killed by a clown in one week. Do you see me crying? Or, more accurately, do you see me forgetting to dry clean my spouse's work-clothes? You bet your ass not. Take notes, honey.
...]]> /article/3535292 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3535292/i-am-going-to-count-to-three I am Going to Count to Three Thu, 14 Aug 2008 14:40:12 -0400
You have 'til the count of three to come down from that coffee table, mister. What happens at three is a mystery to you. I could spank you, I suppose. Three swift smacks to the bottom, you run crying to your room, and ten minutes later you've forgotten everything that happened. Feel lucky if you are spanked. You won't get spanked, though. Perhaps something telekinetic happens at three. Do you know that word, telekinetic? It means that Santa might find out you've been bad and you'll receive inferior toys for Christmas. Orphanage toys. You know, board games that involve spelling, things carved out of wood, yo-yo's. No Nintendo Wii after three, one might say.
...]]> /article/3491282 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3491282/the-hole-in-this-capri-sun-is-exasperatingly-complex-to-penetrate The Hole in This Capri Sun Is Exasperatingly Complex to Penetrate Wed, 09 Jul 2008 12:49:05 -0400
Oh. Hello there, sonny. Would you mind quickly assisting me with a glaring issue of mine? Much obliged. You would never believe how eager I currently am to have run into an individual such as yourself: an individual who may just happen to be able to be of some assistance to this particular dilemma of mine. It seems, my boy, that the hole in this Capri Sun is exasperatingly complex to penetrate.

...]]> /article/3490123 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3490123/camp-counselor-buddy-jones-gives-a-pep-talk Camp Counselor Buddy Jones Gives a Pep Talk Tue, 08 Jul 2008 13:16:20 -0400
Gather 'round, kiddos! We've got a choice for afternoon activity. Softball with Pete or Arts and Crafts with Bianca. If you want softball, raise your hand. Hands down. Arts and Crafts, raise your hand. Anyone? Well, okay, don't cheer yet. That was a preliminary vote to see where everyone stands on the issue.
...]]> /article/3309543 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3309543/back-from-break Back From Break Tue, 11 Mar 2008 17:14:15 -0400 DUUDES! MY DUDES! How the hell are you guys, how was your break? Awesome, yeah,  me too, I had a totally awesome blow-out spring break. Just decided to go for broke, let loose, ya feel me?


...]]> /article/3261400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3261400/son-we-found-your-pot-and-were-very-disappointed-also-we-need-the-number-for-your-dealer Son, we found your pot and we're very disappointed. Also, we need the number for your dealer. Tue, 19 Feb 2008 15:12:12 -0500
Jim? Jim! James Winningham get in here right now! Oh I'll tell you what the big deal is young man. Sit down.


Earlier today, your mother was cleaning in your room and she found…well, just show him, Emily. Yep. You know what that is? Of course you do, because it's marijuana. Oh yeah, you're definitely in trouble. Call that girlfriend of yours, Ilana, and tell her you can't make it to her makeout party tonight, because you are grounded. We are going to get on your ass, young man. I want your schedules for classes, homework, tests, and sports because you'll be doing nothing but studying and chores until this summer. And we're going to need your dealer's number as well.
...]]> /article/3236258 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3236258/a-man-calls-dominos-wondering-the-whereabouts-of-his-pizza A Man Calls Domino's, Wondering The Whereabouts of His Pizza Thu, 07 Feb 2008 18:40:21 -0500
Hello? How do you do. I don't mean to cause a great deal of trouble here but it has now been over one hour since I ordered my sausage, pepperoni, and onion pizza from your establishment. It is currently thirty minutes past the estimated delivery time, and I, my boy, am hungry.

...]]>