I like Taylor Swift songs, especially when she's mad at some guy (i.e. all Taylor Swift songs). Were I Taylor's manager, the first thing I would do is try to get her next boyfriend to break up with her, preferably in a way that stings her melody-attracting, harmony-provoking romantic pride.

/article/6873786 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6873786/bands-that-did-their-damn-job Mon, 25 Feb 2013 09:38:11 -0500
In between "guilty pleasures" and "true favorites" are musical artists that are indeed bad but do deserve a certain begrudging respect. Prime example is the early '80s arena rock and current karaoke favorites Journey. Journey is by and large cheesy and ungood. However, they had so many massive hits — "Don't Stop Believing," "Faithfully," "Separate Ways" — all lodged in the brains of so many people that you have to admit they did their job. Presuming their job was to make hit records, well, then Journey did its goddamn job.

This is the craziest job I've ever had: For three summers during college I worked for a porn magazine, and what struck me most was that convicts have decent grammar.

...]]> /article/6867879 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6867879/regret-everything-you-hate-my-bike Fri, 01 Feb 2013 17:13:54 -0500

I hereby confess one of darkest, most distasteful sides of my personality: I own and ride a bicycle.

I know, it's a tough thing to take. After all, it seems the only good thing bikes contribute to society is being something everyone else can all hate together. Pedestrians roll their eyes in annoyance as bikes glide by. Cars honk their horns in appalled irritation when they want to hug the curb. A few weeks ago, Oprah Winfrey looked ready to punch Lance Armstrong in the face. And I don't think it's because he had taken performance-enhancing drugs and then lied about it. It's because he rides a bike.

Drugs are great, right? Actually I wouldn't know because I am terrible at them.

Meaning, my body doesn't seem to enjoy them as designed. A combination of being scared of breaking rules, emotional repression and some probably shitty body chemistry makes me terrible at altering my state. Which bums me out, as I grew up worshipping people who made a big deal out of loving drugs: Keith Richards, Hunter S. Thompson and most attractive girls at my college.

...]]> /article/6864479 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6864479/regret-everything-friends-wont-let-friends-eat-different Fri, 18 Jan 2013 12:32:44 -0500
I was vegan for two weeks. It was impulsive: I'd read Gandhi's autobiography, felt guilty that I never did anything moral with my life, and decided I would try to not eat animal products. It didn't last long because when it comes to food I have the willpower of a German Shepherd who was given thumbs and a credit card.

What struck me in that brief time was how much crap my friends gave me for eating vegan. I think the standard joke is that vegans can't stop telling everyone they're vegan — but I found the opposite to be true: meat eaters get freaked out at the idea of someone not eating meat and lobby hard for them to join back in. And in fact, people will in general criticize and argue with each other about food strategies more than most other life decisions.

...]]> /article/6863014 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6863014/regret-everything-oscar-daydreams-the-humble-plan Sat, 12 Jan 2013 22:12:43 -0500

Everyone daydreams about winning an Academy Award, and you can tell a lot about a person from the particular daydream he or she has.

...]]> /article/6859594 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6859594/regret-everything-annoy-your-robots Thu, 27 Dec 2012 10:24:18 -0500

The robots will someday rise up. That's a given. At that time, we will fight them. That's also inevitable. We will set aside our hopes for a normal life and engage in a world-destroying war against the machines.

...]]> /article/6857311 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6857311/regret-everything-santa-you-are-wasting-your-life Mon, 17 Dec 2012 09:55:20 -0500

Dear Santa:

Here is my annual letter, sent in the very unlikely but still possible case that you actually exist. As I state every year, please consider changing careers. I suggest either taking over the post office of every country in the world, or perhaps running a spy agency, or founding a year-round toy manufacturing center. As it stands, you are wasting your life.

...]]> /article/6854920 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6854920/down-with-references Fri, 07 Dec 2012 16:10:14 -0500

Here's the problem, fellow humans: There is TOO MUCH INFORMATION in the world, and it makes it impossible to know what anyone is really talking about.

/article/6852662 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6852662/regret-everything-your-facebook-no-one-cares Fri, 30 Nov 2012 17:54:54 -0500

While we will never be able to fully stop internet piracy, there is one fact that should reassure those who are scared of internet theft: most people do not give a crap about you.

...]]> /article/6851007 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6851007/regret-everything-omg-were-all-writers Sun, 25 Nov 2012 19:45:52 -0500 In "Regret Everything," comedian Will Hines gives a weekly update on the thoughts that are gnawing at his brain.

...]]> /article/6849101 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6849101/regret-everything-you-have-to-watch-this-you-have-to Fri, 16 Nov 2012 17:30:38 -0500 In "Regret Everything," comedian Will Hines gives a weekly update on the thoughts that are gnawing at his brain.

...]]> /article/6846056 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6846056/regret-everything-love-thy-hipsters Fri, 09 Nov 2012 13:11:11 -0500
In "Regret Everything," comedian Will Hines gives a weekly update on the thoughts that are gnawing at his brain.

...]]> /article/6844323 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6844323/regret-everything-facebook-rage-my-bad Fri, 02 Nov 2012 15:34:43 -0400 In "Regret Everything," comedian Will Hines gives a weekly update on the thoughts that are gnawing at his brain.

...]]> /article/6840390 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6840390/enough-nerds-bring-on-the-jocks Fri, 26 Oct 2012 13:40:18 -0400 Every week comedian Will Hines shares the thoughts that are gnawing at his brain.

Every day I read another blog post or news article claiming that the nerds now rule the world. Hint: the nerds have ruled the world since at least the early 1990s. I say bring back the jocks.

News posts proclaiming that the nerds' day has "finally" come are usually just announcing the success of nerd culture in the mainstream media, like high ratings for The Big Bang Theory.

But nerd culture succeeding in mainstream media has not been news since 2004, when The Return of the King won the Academy Award for Best Picture. To remind you: The Return of the King was not just a movie that centered on hobbits and elves, but was based on a hugely long BOOK about hobbits and elves. The only way its success would have been more a victory for nerds would be if you replaced the Enya score with a Weird Al Yankovic polka. And this was almost ten years ago.

Or else the "nerds are finally ruling" news story will proclaim that a "nerdy" actor was declared attractive in a People Magazine poll. Usually a "nerdy" actor like Topher Grace or James Franco wearing glasses. They are no more the nerdy underdog than Tina Fey's character Liz Lemon, who is presented as a helpless loser despite being a super-hot, wealthy, high-powered television writer.

...]]> /article/6837859 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6837859/stop-putting-good-news-on-facebook Fri, 19 Oct 2012 13:46:35 -0400 Social media connects us to more people than ever. Unfortunately, it connects us to a super-happy, sepia-toned, brunch-ridden view of each other's best sides that leaves us quivering piles of jealous sweat.

It does for me at least. These days, I can't log on to the internet without wincing in fear of what terrible way I'm about to compare myself to everyone I know.

Facebook in particular has changed from a place where I once checked to see if my crushes from high school were still attractive into a devastating achievement parade of weddings, babies, beautiful vacation photos and righteous political quotes.

Full disclosure: I am particularly prone to jealousy. I once got envious of the attention a friend of mine paid to the South Dakota state quarter. Still, even an emotionally rational person must get irritated by the just-below-bragging line level of celebrating that happens on Facebook.

...]]> /article/6834685 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6834685/strategies-for-murder-750-754 Fri, 12 Oct 2012 11:59:15 -0400 Another in a series of strategies for murdering your fellow humans. For more obvious plans, see earlier installments. This series assume you are looking to murder, which is a behavior we do not endorse or recommend.

...]]>