CollegeHumor: Steven Segal

Steven Seagal Wine Tasting

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 12:13:40 -0500

Like the wine itself, Seagal has improved with age.

Steven Seagal Wisdom

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 12:34:57 -0400

"...Also, that scene in Half Past Dead where I break the drug dealer's neck in 9 places is a thinly veiled Buddhist allegory."

10 Grossest Thumbs Into Eyes

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 18:46:54 -0400

A compilation of Hollywood's goriest thumbed eye-gouges. Jeepers creepers.

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Sun, 02 Dec 2007 19:59:44 -0500

The guy who does TV guide descriptions REALLY hates Steven Segal.

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Fri, 16 Nov 2007 15:02:40 -0500

Here lame goes beyond opinion. I think we can agree that's a fact.

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Tue, 23 Oct 2007 01:37:12 -0400

Our prices are so good, they're Under Siege!

A Confession Down Below

Sun, 27 May 2007 04:51:03 -0400

Dear Mom,

I have been silent for too long. I thought Dad would eventually tell you, but I see now that he is engulfed by his addiction and will never admit it to you. So I must. Mom, Dad likes Steven Segal movies. I just do not understand it. You two watch such great movies together. Gladiator, Black Hawk Down, Remember the Titans, even Speed- you both seemed to enjoy them so much. His taste in movies seems so pure, wholesome- but beneath his Ebert-esque discernment lies an insatiable thirst for more. More action, ponytails, roundhouse kicks, environmental terrorists, and thirty second stare-downs. When you and the girls went to this year’s Mother/Daughter Retreat of Love and Celibacy, Dad went to Blockbuster. He thought I was asleep, but I sneaked down to the living room and found that he had rented On Deadly Ground AND Fire Down Below. He had watched both! Back to back! Sick bastard! I felt dizzy, nauseous but somehow made it back to my room. I locked my door and slid to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably- how could he do this to you, Mom? This is the man that took me to see Saving Private Ryan, told me to avoid any movie with Tom Selleck in a standalone leading role, for God’s sake he was by my side as I struggled to grasp the intricacies of The Godfather! How can he enjoy Segal’s overacting and irrational fight choreography? The man is visibly overweight! How can Dad believe that he has the stamina to fight four eco-villains at once?
...

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Fri, 30 Jun 2006 01:24:16 -0400

In case you're thirsty for a B-List energy drink.

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Wed, 31 May 2006 14:59:25 -0400

One of the best celebrity sightings imaginable.

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Mon, 22 May 2006 21:04:18 -0400

Saying both "Steven Segal" and "Super Action" is probably redundant.

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Sun, 28 May 2006 18:25:26 -0400

I hope

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Fri, 28 Apr 2006 13:20:00 -0400

My ears are under siege.

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Wed, 01 Mar 2006 18:51:44 -0500

Steven Segal can't even act interested.

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Wed, 28 Sep 2005 23:25:56 -0400

Mmmmm... Steven Segal juice.