CollegeHumor: Straight Cash Homey http://www.collegehumor.com/tag/straight-cash-homey Funny Videos, Funny Pictures, Funny Links! /article/3971785 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3971785/ch-sports-weekly-now-with-two-shining-moments CH Sports Weekly: Now with TWO Shining Moments! Wed, 08 Apr 2009 11:02:04 -0400 Ethan: Think Roy Williams has stopped crying yet?

Amir: He’s just drunk in a bubble bath right now, rewinding “one shining moment” with a remote control and sobbing.

Ethan: As someone who picked Michigan State to lose in the second round, I found Monday night’s title game very validating. “See? They were never all that good!” What the heck happened there?

Amir: What happened was a team of future NBA players playing better than a team of people who look pretty good in forest green. The game raised many questions though, mainly “How in the world did they beat UConn?”

Ethan: There’s something magical about Tom Izzo, I guess. Which makes sense given that when you see him talking to a player, it looks like a garden gnome having a conversation with an adult.

Amir: I just feel bad for freshman Ed Davis. He’s gonna come back to school next year without any friends. “…where is everybody?” “They’re all millionaires now, Ed. Now go to class.”

Ethan: What, you’re thinking a bench player from a Carolina team that wins the title can’t be a millionaire next year? The Hawks are probably trying to trade up to draft him.

Amir: Leave Marvin Williams alone. He’s about to blossom into an All-Star any season now.

Ethan: Speaking of Carolina guys in the NBA, how do you like Hansbrough’s chances?

Amir: I’m guessing he ends up as a slightly more talented Mark Madsen with less dancing ability.

Ethan: Come on, he’s much better than Madsen. He seems like a guy who could be a 8th or 9th guy on a really good team or a starter on a really bad one. Also, I think he will break every NBA record for “Most time spent looking really surprised…”, most of which are currently held by Tim Duncan.

Amir: Shaq shall call him… The White Fundamental.

Ethan: Let’s move on to baseball. I know we’re a little late, but want to predict division winners?

Amir: I feel like it’s cheating since some teams have all but cliched it.

Ethan: It’s actually pretty hard to pick winners in some divisions this year. Like, say, the AL Central. I don’t know who’s going to win it, but I do know who’s going to come out as losers: any fans who have to watch this trainwreck.

Amir: Is it weird that the Angels already have an asterisk next to their name? It says their magic number is “practically anything.”

Ethan: Their pitching staff is currently held together with velcro and whatever plutonium Mike Scioscia smuggled out of the Springfield Nuclear Plant. I like the A’s in that division. I mean, according to a 2001 copy of the Sporting News I just saw, no team with Jason Giambi and Nomar could possibly lose.

Amir: Who you got in the AL East? And don’t say the Orioles again.

Ethan: I’ll take the Red Sox since I think the Rays’ bullpen will probably regress. The Yankees are obviously going to be good, too, but it just seems like they’ve got too many questions surrounding them, including, “Was CC eating a meatball sub on the mound during Opening Day?”

...]]> /article/3962708 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3962708/ch-sports-weekly-final-four-and-mour CH Sports Weekly: Final Four... and Mour! Wed, 01 Apr 2009 11:02:22 -0400 Ethan: Wow, that was some crazy tournament action after a boring first two rounds. How do you like this Final Four?

Amir: Boring first two rounds?! Did you see that Arkansas/Oklahoma State OT thriller? The Women’s NIT has never been more exciting.
...]]> /article/3951861 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3951861/ch-sports-weekly-detailed-nit-and-cit-breakdown CH Sports Weekly: Detailed NIT and CIT Breakdown Wed, 25 Mar 2009 10:58:15 -0400 Ethan: How’s your bracket looking? I’ve learned my lesson about picking upsets. From now on, I’m downgrading March Madness to March Slight Annoyance.

Amir: This just means the selection committee members are getting better at their job. You think they have tourney pools and just pick no upsets?

...]]> /article/3934873 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3934873/ch-sports-weekly-starbury-fields-forever CH Sports Weekly: Starbury Fields Forever Thu, 12 Mar 2009 12:25:09 -0400 Ethan: We’re here live for the nineteenth day of the Big East Tournament! Doesn’t it seem hard to believe that there’s only three weeks left until the conference has a champ?

Amir: Then we’ll be finally ready for some April Madness!

...]]> /article/3903337 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3903337/ch-sports-weekly-only-one-of-us-is CH Sports Weekly: Only One of us is Wed, 18 Feb 2009 12:22:43 -0500 Ethan: Is it just me, or does A-Rod’s forced sad face just make it look like he really, really has to go to the bathroom?


Amir:  Those press conferences last forever, so maybe he does! But only because the bathroom is the only private space A-ROID has left to shoot up! A-Fraud! What’s your favorite A-Pun?


...]]> /article/3884055 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3884055/ch-sports-weekly-more-super-than-any-bowl CH Sports Weekly: More Super Than Any Bowl Thu, 05 Feb 2009 12:24:54 -0500 Ethan: What a game! Kurt Warner is now 3-for-3 in starting Super Bowls that have really exciting finishes. And we were 16-for-16 on prop betting advice. We should be forced to write that column every year.

...]]> /article/3872520 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3872520/ch-sports-weekly-props-to-you-guys CH Sports Weekly: Props to You Guys! Wed, 28 Jan 2009 11:49:35 -0500
By now you’ve probably decided if you’re going to take the Steelers and lay the seven points or put your hard-earned money on a QB who had so little foresight that he married Debra Warner. However, everyone knows the REAL money comes from prop betting. This week, we’ll try to give you a guide to prop betting that will lead you to fabulous wealth. GUARANTEED. (Or not.)
...]]> /article/3861266 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3861266/ch-sports-weekly-is-it-still-a-hiatus-if-nobody-noticed-you-were-gone CH Sports Weekly: Is It Still a Hiatus if Nobody Noticed You Were Gone? Wed, 21 Jan 2009 13:35:55 -0500 Ethan: Remember when you said that we couldn’t write the column again until the Cardinals went to the Super Bowl? Well, here we are. I had to pull some Angels in the Outfield stuff to make this happen, so I hope you’re happy.

...]]> /article/3787436 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3787436/ch-sports-weekly-a-houston-comets-eulogy CH Sports Weekly: A Houston Comets Eulogy Wed, 03 Dec 2008 11:22:44 -0500 Ethan: Are you also a little disappointed that you haven’t seen commercials for this week’s games that start with, “From the people who brought you the BCS…it’s the Big 12 Championship Game!” Putting things in the BCS’s hands is like hiring the producers of Operation Dumbo Drop to win you an Oscar.

...]]> /article/3770465 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3770465/ch-sports-weekly-co-presidents-of-the-stephen-curry-fan-club CH Sports Weekly: Co-Presidents of the Stephen Curry Fan Club Wed, 19 Nov 2008 12:17:16 -0500 Ethan: Huge weekend for college football coming up, so let’s get right to our picks: can the Citadel beat Florida?

Amir: If their game against Webber International is any indication, and it is not, then no!

...]]> /article/3744810 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3744810/ch-boo-weekley-no-more-golf-puns-we-promise CH Boo Weekley: No More Golf Puns. We Promise! Wed, 12 Nov 2008 11:56:29 -0500 Ethan: See, the system works! Every week really is like a playoff, and if Iowa’s in said playoff, it’s even easier to get into than the 8th seed in the NBA’s Eastern Conference. Do you think this is the angriest Paterno’s been since 1826?

...]]> /article/3720718 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3720718/ch-sports-weekly-rip-greg-oden CH Sports Weekly: RIP Greg Oden Wed, 29 Oct 2008 11:27:08 -0400 Ethan: Has Game 5 started again yet? I’ve been watching Fox for 36 straight hours in case it comes on, and my eyes are so bloody I can’t tell what’s on the screen.

Amir: You could at least ...]]> /article/3692215 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3692215/ch-sports-weekly-typing-with-broken-pinkies CH Sports Weekly: Typing with Broken Pinkies Wed, 22 Oct 2008 11:04:01 -0400 Ethan: Let’s go Phillies! No, really, let’s go. You guys only have a few hours in which to find a DH to use against Kazmir. This could come down to the wire. (Here’s a hint: don’t use Chris Coste.)

...]]> /article/3683031 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3683031/ch-sports-weekly-theyre-still-the-devil-rays-to-us CH Sports Weekly: They're Still the Devil Rays to Us... Wed, 15 Oct 2008 12:31:21 -0400 Ethan: Has Texas lost since Saturday? Being the number one team, I just assume they have. Or do we have to wait for Mizzou to do it on Saturday?

Amir: Somebody is going to knock them off — they play four top 12 opponents in four weeks! Even Vince Young is getting depressed thinking about that. And he graduated years ago.

Ethan: Graduated? Did Kerry Collins come in and take his exams when they got tough? Oklahoma’s schedule is almost as brutal; they’ve got Kansas this weekend. Who do you like in that one? I think whoever has Oklahoma’s concessions contract is probably the biggest winner.

Amir: Can we get through one column without making a Mangino is fat joke?

Ethan: What? The game is going to be well-attended! Get that many hungry fans in one place, and they’re going to open their wallets. Jesus, quit being so suspicious of my motives.

Amir: Sorry.

Ethan: You’re worse than that tubby Mangino.

Amir: The problem with Texas is that they haven’t lost yet. It’s going to come down to who lost the earliest this year. And you thought Pete Carroll wasn’t smart…

Ethan: Penn State hasn’t lost yet, either, and if they can get past Ohio State next weekend, they’ll be looking good. They can score some points. Did you see them beat the crap out of Wisconsin? Joe Pa remarked that he hadn’t seen such a thorough rout since dickety-three. You believe in the Nittany Lions?

Amir: I believe. Penn State hasn’t just won every game this year, it’s been a thorough romping. Including a beatdown of Oregon State — 45 to 14. Maybe JoePa is just getting his twenty-second wind.

Ethan: I can’t wait for ESPN to keep having that argument in 2043 when he’s more cyborg than man. “Is JoePa done, or does he still have it? It looked like someone forgot to oil his gatling gun before that game against Moon Tech.” Think Bama got jobbed by getting hopped for the #1 spot?

Amir: I like that. I feel like in years past you wouldn’t see that, but Texas beat the best team in the nation, so they deserve to be number one. In fact, now that I think about it, College Football should be more like wrestling. Now Alabama gets to challenge Texas for the belt.

Ethan: Also, players should have to wear lucha libre masks at all time. It doesn’t really matter who’s #1 and who’s #2 given the way the title game’s set up, and neither team has really played a super-tough schedule up to this point. Hey, Peyton Manning’s alive!

Amir: Sounds like he took those Eli-is-better talks to heart… so did Eli.

Ethan: Hey, it’s not Eli’s fault the Giants are overrated. They were bound to drop off after losing so many key players, and although they got that good win against the skins, their other wins are the Bengals, Rams, and Seahawks. The rest of their schedule is actually pretty brutal; I could still see them missing the playoffs.

Amir: No wonder Plaxico doesn’t want to show up for practice.

Ethan: How did the Lions get so much for Roy Williams? It’s like Matt Millen’s less-evil, more-competent twin is now running things there.

Amir: This trade confuses me. Who thought the Cowboys were one receiver away from winning a championship?

Ethan: They gave up a ton to get him, and he’s really not that great. Granted, he’s an upgrade over Crayton, but is he worth three draft picks and then a contract extension at $9 million a year? That sound you hear is T.O. scheming the best way to have a complete meltdown about this.

Amir: I thought it was the sound of Patrick Crayton looking for jobs on craigslist.

...]]> /article/3622857 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3622857/ch-sports-weekly-fantasy-hockey-draft-kit---201-sleepers CH Sports Weekly: Fantasy Hockey Draft Kit -- 201 Sleepers! Wed, 08 Oct 2008 14:18:17 -0400 Ethan:Do you have Phillies fever yet? Or would you rather make a joke about giving me a Derek Lowe-botomy?



Amir:You know I bleed Dodger Blue. It’s actually a very painful disease. Do you have a primary care physician you can recommend?



...]]> /article/3591439 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3591439/ch-sports-weekly-hire-matt-millen CH Sports Weekly: Hire Matt Millen! Wed, 24 Sep 2008 12:18:14 -0400 Ethan: FIRE MILLEN! Sorry, force of habit.

Amir: What’s weirder, the fact that it took so long for Millen to get the boot, or the fact that Jon Kitna guaranteed he’d be fired ten times this year?

Ethan: I wonder if he’s dusting off the old resume to get a new job. “Ah, I see St. Louis sucks…maybe they could use a new mastermind like me. Charles Rogers, start packing my bags!” On to people with jobs: who’s your biggest surprise at 3-0?

Amir: Gotta be Buffalo. They’re officially the AFC East favorites. Though eeking out a win at home against Oakland isn’t too convincing. I think the biggest surprise is Baltimore being 2-0. I would have totally thought they would have played three games by now.

Ethan: I’m going with a Kerry Collins led Tennessee team, although their schedule’s been soft and is about to get brutal. They’ve got Minnesota, then at Baltimore, and they still have two with Indy, a Chicago, Pitt, the Jets, and the Packers left. Plus, they play on Thanksgiving, and I can’t trust LenDale to pay attention to the game when there’s that much food at hand.

Amir: Madden: “Come back with my Turducken!”

Ethan:Who’s worse: Chiefs or Rams? Congrats, Chase Daniel, you’re leading the best football team in Missouri.

Amir: It has to be the Rams. They’ve been outscored 29 to 116 this season! Though I like their strategy of trying to start Trent Green again. I guess they’re hoping 1999 repeats itself and they’re just one season-ending injury away from finding a new Kurt Warner!

Ethan: I think putting a guy with a concussion problem behind the Rams’ o-line is borderline negligent. What are the Rams trying to do, put the kids of Trent Green’s neurologist through college? Who’s your favorite unattractive-but-effective QB this year: Cutler or Rodgers?

Amir: Drew Brees. What’s your favorite ineffective-but-hilarious QB name this year: Tyler Thigpen or J.T. O’Sullivan?

Ethan: Are you kidding? O’Sullivan’s been pretty good. Sure, two of his games were against Seattle and Detroit, but his QB rating’s 104, and his team’s 2-1. Alex Smith is eating his heart out. Or he would be if he could hold it in his tiny little hands. What bad team is primed to come back and make the playoffs?

Amir: I don’t know if they’re bad, but I still think New Orleans, at 1-2, is the favorite to win the NFC south. Colts and Jaguars, also both under .500 are going to catch up to the Titans eventually. I’m just worried about how Vince Young will react when that happens…

Ethan: I like the Seahawks. As bad as they’ve been, they’re only one game back. Once guys get healthy, they could be dangerous. Break out the Welch’s sparkling grape juice, Koren Robinson’s ready to celebrate another division title! Is there anything funnier than seeing Phil Fulmer mad?

Amir: Seeing Bruce Pearl happy?

Ethan: Possibly. But Phil Fulmer throwing his hat in disgust is terrific. Get excited for more of that this weekend, Auburn fans! Since the SEC is awesome, let’s talk about it. Who do you like coming out of it?

Amir: I really like Florida. I think they’re the best non-USC team in the nation. Their offense is impressive and their defense is stout. Plus they have the greatest position in college football: short track star trying to become running back in Jeff Demps.

...]]> /article/3583812 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3583812/ch-sports-weekly-more-magical-than-magic-numbers CH Sports Weekly: More Magical than Magic Numbers Wed, 17 Sep 2008 11:58:15 -0400 Ethan: Cheer up, Buckeyes fans. If only field goals counted, you would have won 3-0!

Amir: It takes a strong man to admit that he’s wrong, but last week when I predicted a USC beat down by at least three touchdowns… well I guess I should have said four touchdowns and I’m sorry!

...]]> /article/3575221 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3575221/ch-sports-weekly-two-guys-four-acls CH Sports Weekly: Two Guys. Four ACLs. Wed, 10 Sep 2008 12:00:14 -0400 Ethan: Beware East Carolina! They’re making us all like Pirates again after that terrible third Pirates of the Carribean movie. Do they keep winning?



Amir: They’re like the opposite of every powerhouse team: two difficult games at first then an easy conference schedule.‘uestion, who do you like in the title game — ECU or USC?

Ethan: Tough call. ECU is 2-0 against teams with “Virginia” in their name, while USC is only 1-0. So I guess you’re saying USC will definitely win this weekend?

Amir: By at least three touchdowns. Bet on it.

Ethan: You’re putting a lot of stock into the scare against Ohio? That was an obvious trap game, and the Buckeyes didn’t have their Heisman contender.

Amir: If excuses were sweater vests, you and Tressel would be in a heated competition right now.

Ethan:Can you even be a homer for a school you didn’t attend? I guess I can’t complain as long as you keep starting Matt Leinart on your fantasy team and yelling “Go Trojans!” whenever Kurt Warner gets sacked.

Amir: That’s just because I hate Northern Iowa.

Ethan: I think USC will win, but not by three TDs. Do you think Washington will celebrate its TDs against Oklahoma? Will they even score any TDs to celebrate?

Amir: What an accurate interpretation of a terrible rule. How is throwing a football into the air excessive, but spiking it into the floor adequate? Just more pro-gravity propaganda from the NCAA!

Ethan: Is it wrong to hope that ref gets hit by a car? Because if so, a lot of people in Seattle probably have guilty consciences. Who’s the next top 10 team to go down outside of the OSU-USC game?

Amir: LSU at Auburn. Inexperienced QB on the road in the SEC. You can’t keep hiding behind your precious tropical storms Andrew Hatch!

Ethan: I kind of like Florida to go down at Tennessee next weekend, but I don’t see anyone in the Top 10 losing this week. Also, thanks for not pointing out Wake needed a FG with three seconds left to beat Ole Miss. You’re a pal.

Amir: O¸range bowl here you come!

Ethan: On to the NFL: give me a spin on the Brady injury I haven’t heard yet.

...]]> /article/3565891 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3565891/ch-sports-weekly-we-miss-nfl-primetime-too CH Sports Weekly: We Miss NFL Primetime Too... Wed, 03 Sep 2008 11:55:37 -0400 Ethan: Sorry, Georgia…you can’t let Georgia Southern score 21 points and expect to keep the top spot. See you boys in the Capital One Bowl, although I’ll really just be watching for the mascot contest. You want to be a big USC homer now?

...]]> /article/3555998 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3555998/ch-sports-weekly-deep-sleepers-in-fantasy-column-leagues CH Sports Weekly: Deep Sleepers in Fantasy Column Leagues Wed, 27 Aug 2008 11:12:50 -0400 Ethan: College football! (I’m too giddy to say anything coherent.)

Amir: Let’s go straight into what matters: Best names you’ve heard hyped so far. I’ll start: Knowshawn Moreno.

Ethan: I like any running back whose name sounds like a complete imperative sentence, so I’m going to agree with you. But really, any season in which there are also Heisman hopefuls named Beanie and Devine is going to be pretty good. Do you agree with Georgia in the top spot?

...]]>