Concerts: a fun way to enjoy music, a chance to spend time with your friends, and if you're sort of a loser like me, the worst possible thing ever that a person could do.

First, you pay a buttload of money, setting yourself up to feel guilty if you don't have an amaaaazing time. Then you get there and it's crowded and too loud and you don't know any of the songs the band is playing because they're all from their new album that hasn't been released yet. The songs you do know, you're sick of, since you don't know very much music because you don't have the money to spend on iTunes and you're afraid of going to jail for downloading music illegally and you can't figure out how to sync your Spotify account properly to your phone when it's offline and the whole thing is a nightmare so you just listen to podcasts. And worst of all, everyone there can tell that you're the weirdo who doesn't know how to have fun at concerts.

Because you don't. What blows everyone's minds about live music anyway? Yeah, it was cool in the olden days before we had the technological capability to record sound. But now we do, so why do we insist on repeating this unpleasant and antiquated ritual? Oh, you like to "share the experience" with other people? Cool, invite a friend over and click one button to listen to any music ever instantly.

Even though I am obviously right, your friends will most likely still insist on inviting you to concerts this summer, and you will go and have a mediocre-to-awful time. But just because you're not having fun doesn't mean you have to LOOK like you're not having fun. This helpful guide will teach you to blend seamlessly into the crowd and possibly even make your concert experience slightly less agonizing. (No guarantees on that second part.)