CollegeHumor: The Morning After Lost http://www.collegehumor.com/tag/the-morning-after-lost Funny Videos, Funny Pictures, Funny Links! /article/6099005 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6099005/the-morning-after-lost-how-are-you-here The Morning After Lost: How are you here? Mon, 24 May 2010 05:00:16 -0400 Six years ago, I was a different person.

Over that time, I have traveled, I have worked new jobs, and I have learned about myself. I have fallen in love harder than I thought possible, and I have been heartbroken even harder. I have been given a nephew and a niece. I got a dog. I moved to a new city. I took classes, performed in new venues and met new people. I grew. I changed. But there ...]]> /article/6089738 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6089738/were-very-close-to-the-end-hugo We're Very Close to the End, Hugo Wed, 19 May 2010 03:51:37 -0400 “We’re very close to the end, Hugo.”

“entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitatem.”
That’s some Latin sh*t from which we derive the theory of Occam’s razor: The simplest solution is usually the correct one. 
As I watched this week’s episode, I was slapped across the face with an emotion that can only be described as honesty. As Jacob gathered our remaining candidates around the fire to tell them what is to come, I felt no sense of the supernatural, the mystical, or the esoteric. He just laid it out, plain and simple:
...]]> /article/6069261 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6069261/every-question-i-answer-will-lead-to-another-question Every Question I Answer Will Lead to Another Question Wed, 12 May 2010 04:07:21 -0400 “This is the end

Beautiful friend

This is the end

My only friend, the end

Of our elaborate plans, the end

Of everything that stands, the end

No safety or surprise, the end…

In a…desperate land

Lost in a Roman…wilderness of pain

And all the children are insane…

The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on
...]]> /article/6059797 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6059797/the-morning-after-lost-its-going-to-be-you The Morning After Lost: It's Going to Be You Wed, 05 May 2010 04:25:48 -0400 All of these earthquakes around the world are getting a lot of people talking about the next Big One that is due to hit the good old U.S. of A., and more specifically, the state I’m in at this very moment, California. I’ve earthquake-proofed my apartment: I puttied the vases to shelves, stocked up on canned foods, and made a meet-up plan with friends who live nearby. Because wheneve...]]> /article/6033532 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6033532/all-women-are-a-little-bit-crazy-brother All Women Are a Little Bit Crazy, Brother Wed, 14 Apr 2010 12:26:14 -0400 The last snowfall left us a white present that soon disappeared. The Easter Bunny came and went. The temperature rose. A bare shoulder popped out here and there from beneath a cozy sweater, and before long, people started wearing flip flops and shorts.

Spring is here. The weather’s getting warmer, and while our winter days are slowly drifting away from us, so are the days when our f...]]> /article/6022529 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6022529/theres-always-been-a-choice-brother There's Always Been a Choice, Brother Wed, 07 Apr 2010 13:05:11 -0400 Sometimes people go away for a bit. At first, you miss them. Your heart aches for them, and you spend every moment thinking of how great they are, and how wonderful things were when they were around.

Then, one day, a minute goes by when they’re not on your mind.

The next day, it’s two or three minutes.

Soon, you realize you haven’t thought of them much in a w...]]> /article/6009127 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/6009127/a-war-is-coming-to-this-island A War Is Coming to This Island Wed, 31 Mar 2010 10:54:17 -0400 The best is always saved for last. Not just saved, but guarded. Packaged in a neat little story and put on a high up shelf…or in a file on a computer….and password protected so that only a few network executives can have access to it.


Then, “The Best- is kept there for weeks until it is finally unveiled, in 43 minute increments, like a slow morphine drip that almost tortures you as it gets you more addicted.
...]]> /article/5990215 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5990215/its-good-to-see-you-out-of-those-chains "It's Good to See You Out of Those Chains" Wed, 24 Mar 2010 06:21:19 -0400 We need to remember that actors are just players telling a story. And when an actor is lucky enough to work on a network show that airs season after season, they become people who make a good amount of money. 

 

They drive fancy cars, send their kids to private schools, pay maids to wash their underwear. And often, they get lazy. Not just in life, but in their work. It must be prett...]]> /article/5973953 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5973953/the-morning-after-lost The Morning After Lost: Wed, 10 Mar 2010 04:24:36 -0500 Each year, it blows my mind that the entertainment industry puts so much stock in a silly awards show. Sure, there are talented actors, writers, and directors out there who deserve a pat on the back. But there are also talented teachers, nurses, doctors in third world countries, and volunteers who get no pat on the back. I love watching movies, but do we really need to see the people who worked...]]> /article/5965660 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5965660/things-have-changed "Things Have Changed" Wed, 03 Mar 2010 03:58:19 -0500 I time traveled.

The smoke monster got me. 

I got lost in the jungle.

I was out looking for Jin.

The Others got me.

I died. Then I came back to life. 

It wasn’t me. It was the smoke monster PRETENDING to be me.

I was busy deciding between Sawyer and Jack.

 

OK. So, there’s no excuse for me missing my Lost column last week. But not to worry! I’m back!

 

Here’s what went down this week, in a dirty baseball:

In Plane Dimension, Nadia is married to Sayid’s brother, who got mixed up with some organized crime guys (including Widmore’s mercenary Martin Keamy!) over a debt. They fuck up Sayid’s brother and kidnap Sayid, who – despite his will to become a “better man” – kills Keamy and escapes. But not before finding Jin(!) tied up in a freezer. On the island, per Locke/Smoke Monster, Claire goes to the temple, where John Lennon and crew put her in a Silence of the Lambs-esque hole. Kate tries to rescue her. Dogen and Sayid have a badass fight, and at the last minute, Dogen decides to ban him. Then he changes his mind, and asks Sayid to kill L/SM. Instead L/SM sends Sayid back to everyone at the temple with a message: Jacob’s dead. Leave the temple by sundown, or you’re dead. Frank, Sun, and Ilana make it to the temple. Sayid kills Dogen and John Lennon and Smoke Monster comes in and fucks shit up. Then L/SM gathers out front with his new recruits, and Kate’s like, “WTF?”

 

Here’s what we learn:

  1. First, a note about last week’s episode, when we learned WHAT THE NUMBERS ARE. FINALLY! I got some comments about not including that we learned what the numbers meant two episodes ago. But I didn’t think we really knew. We just saw numbers next to names, but they still had no value. Now, at least we know that those numbers correlate to degrees on a giant wheel in the lighthouse. This is the closest we’ve come to the numbers having some substance. That is, they represent a value of some sort – even if that value is just degrees in a circle. 
  2. Claire seems just dandy in that hole.
  3. Why did I miss my column last week? Why don’t you watch the next few episodes of Parks and Recreation on NBC and find out? THURSDAYS at 8:30!
  4. Dogen the Temple Master worked at a bank and was recruited by Jacob after accidentally killing his son in a drunk driving accident. Jacob assured him that his son would live, but he could never see him again.
  5. Similarly, L/SM offered Sayid the chance to have his deceased love, Nadia, back. 
  6. God Bless the continuity person on Lost. Hardest job ever. 
  7. Comedicly, and logistically, that Old Spice Body Wash commercial is pretty impressive. 
  8. Claire IS, in fact, evil. Yet, some of the old her still remains. She does ask L/SM “Will you hurt them?”
  9. Miles tells Sayid that he was dead for two hours. Guess Sayid hadn’t really realized that. 
  10. What’s with the, “Don’t shoot her!” when Claire walks in to the temple? Don’t they want her dead? Don’t they think she’s evil? Is it that they can’t kill her in the temple? Or they can’t kill her at all?
  11. The Others who didn’t die at the temple left in time. They are now L/SM recruits. This includes our stewardess and kids. 
  12. I’m noticing more and more recap comments for viewers who aren’t caught up. i.e. Sayid saying to Dogen, “You brought me in here, you hooked me up to this machine, you told me I did not pass a test, etc.” Well, duh...]]> /article/5933301 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5933301/i-promise-ill-tell-you-everything I Promise I'll Tell You Everything Wed, 17 Feb 2010 04:44:18 -0500 The excitement of it all is overwhelming. The preparation, the planning, and the premeditation behind every detail are daunting. The anticipation has been building up for years.

    The hours committed to one goal; the mind games, the fighting, the competition.

    The tears, the joy, the willpower to stick to it.

    Sure, the Olympics are cool, but even lifelong dreams can be put on pau...]]> /article/5924753 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5924753/dont-worry-you-passed Don't Worry; You Passed Wed, 10 Feb 2010 02:57:07 -0500 Tortilla Chips: $3.99

    Nacho Cheese Dip: $4.99

    Flat Screen TV: $2,000

    Wasting all that good stuff on a silly football game: UNACCEPTABLE.

    The Superbowl may be fun, but let’s face it: there’s no television event quite like LOST.The Final Season is really happening, and we’re savoring each episode like a ...]]> /article/5916850 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/5916850/nothing-is-irreversible "Nothing Is Irreversible" Wed, 03 Feb 2010 04:27:53 -0500 You haven’t eaten in weeks. Your clothes are wrinkled and your hair is greasy. You’re sad. No, depressed. You’ve spent hours watching old videos. But it’s not the same as when you were together. You’re lonely. Sometimes, you have dreams that you’re together again, but when you wake up, it’s just you. Something’s missing from your life. It’s ...]]> /article/4028096 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/4028096/morning-after-lost--what-about-you Morning After LOST- What About You? Thu, 14 May 2009 00:07:04 -0400 Alison went to the island this week, away from computers and TVs so I figured I’d try to make sure the article gotten written. I may have picked the single worst episode to try to write about. This episode was all over the place. So I figured instead of being original in any way, I’d keep her same format. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. And if it’s a Hydrogen bomb that isn’t detonating, just hit it with a brick until it works.
         /article/4018139 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/4018139/if-youre-wrong-everyone-dies If You're Wrong, Everyone Dies Thu, 07 May 2009 14:54:53 -0400 In the 1970s, shit went down. People panicked. Everyone was scared and no one quite knew what to do. Danger was everywhere, but it was an invisible danger. Then, it faded. And everyone was fine.

    Thirty years later, the fear came back. This time, it’s worse. The panic is everywhere. People are freaking the fuck out. But, seriously, guys, why? Your chances of getting the Swine Flu are like one in a bazillion.

    But just to be safe, let’s hide from our neighbors, put on a face mask, stay inside, and watch Lost!

    Here’s what went down this week, in a bullet in the leg:


    ...]]> /article/4007919 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/4007919/i-can-make-time I Can MAKE Time Thu, 30 Apr 2009 04:43:55 -0400 One, two three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two, thirty-three, thirty-four, thirty-five, thirty-six, thirty-seven, thirty-eight, thirty-nine, forty, forty-one, forty-two, forty-three, forty-four, forty-five, forty-six, forty-seven, forty-eight, forty-nine, fifty, fifty-one, fifty-two, fifty-three….etc, etc….ninety-eight, ninety-nine…..ONE HUNDRED.
    ...]]>         /article/3985072 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3985072/youre-just-jealous-my-powers-better-than-yours You're Just Jealous My Power's Better Than Yours Thu, 16 Apr 2009 17:32:01 -0400 Dear Somalian Pirates,



    Listen, guys. We know you love Lost. The adventures, the guns, the hostage-taking, the excitement. There are freighters and boats and canoes and there’s always a war between someone and someone else. For pirates, like you, it must be a pretty great show.



    But, we think you went a little too far this time. Not cool, Somalian Pirates, not cool.


    ...]]> /article/3963963 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3963963/the-morning-after-lost-thats-my-kid The Morning After Lost: That's My Kid! Thu, 02 Apr 2009 04:47:54 -0400

    Enough already. We get it. The economy is in the sh*tter. Everyone has lost their jobs, bailouts are more common than teen pregnancies, and every shop at the mall is empty, despite the 50% Off signs.

    Suddenly, you realize how much toothpaste costs, and you’re taking home leftovers from the Mexican place you frequent. There’s a lot of talk about fancy financial terms and stock market gibberish that we all pretend to understand. If you bought, don’t sell. And if you sold, don’t buy. Just sit there and stare at a wall until things get better.

    Or, you could always forget your troubles by realizing things could be worse: at least at your place, there are no vans on fire, bleeding children, or smoke monsters. Thanks, Lost, for always putting things into perspective!

    Here’s what went down this week, in a blood transfusion:

    Jin brings the injured young Ben back to camp and Juliet tries to save him. Jack refuses to help, so Kate gives blood and then she and Sawyer take him to the Others to be saved. Roger knows he wasn’t a good father.  Hurley learns about time travel. In the past (after the Oceanic 6 returned to the real world), we see that Kate became good buds with Sawyer’s Baby Mama. Cassidy made Kate realize that she was heartbroken over Sawyer and didn’t need to pretend that Aaron was her son. So Kate fessed up to Claire’s mom.

    Here’s what we learn:

    1. One of the biggest things we learn is why Kate decided to go back to the island. She wants to rescue Claire!
    2. We learn what Sawyer whispered to Kate before jumping from the plane. He told her to take care of his daughter, Clementine.
      ...]]> /article/3953176 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3953176/i-guess-im-on-my-own I Guess I'm On My Own Thu, 26 Mar 2009 14:03:33 -0400 Let’s say you have a time machine. It works pretty well. It takes you anywhere in history and you can hang out there, talk to people, touch things, and alter the course of events. Let’s say you only get to use it once. And after contemplating riding on spaceships through a floating mall and making out with Marie Antoinette, you decide to be a real hero.¼/p>

      So you grab a gun, and you set your time machine clock to the first half of last century. And after the whirligigs and gadgets on your machine spin and zip, you see a bright flash, and you are suddenly hurled back through the years. And when you open your eyes, there are people speaking German.

      You take your weapon and ask the closest person where you can find Adolf Hitler. She points to a small, adorable little baby. He’s sucking his thumb and cooing. He looks up at you and smiles. You clutch the cold metal in your hand.

      Could you do it?

      Well, if your name is Sayid, you’d take the mother fucker DOWN.

      Here’s what went down this week, in a burning van:

      Sawyer tries to convince Sayid to play it cool, but Sayid doesn’t want to live among the Dharma peeps. So he is taken to the creepiest man ever, who gives him a truth serum. But the Dharma crew still thinks he’s a Hostile, and they vote to kill him. Young Ben, at odds with his douchebag father, helps Sayid escape. They run into Jin. Sayid knocks Jin out and then SHOOTS YOUNG BEN! HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS!

      Here’s what we learn:

      1. Sayid is a killing machine. But his weakness is really high boots. His lady captor used seduction to get him. She claimed she works for one of the men Sayid murdered, but she’s probably working straight for Widmore.
      2. Sayid is not a vegetarian.
      3. When Sayid doesn’t have anyone left to kill, he feels sad and helpless. Awwwww……
      4. Sawyer does his best to help Sayid “ he tells him how to escape.
      5. The reason Hurley doesn’t have a girlfriend isn’t his weight. It’s because he’s terrible with the ladies. Hugo, c’mon! Try to break it a little easier to Kate next time! Also, Kate is pretty jealo over the whole Juliet/Sawyer thing. This is gonna get gooooooood.
      6. I was pretty sure we’d never meet a character creepier than Ben. I was WRONG.
      7. Ben is just lies, lies, lies. Everytime we see a new flashback, we see that he told someone else another lie just to get them to do something. Why are we still homies with this dude? Sometimes I feel like our islanders are battered wives who just keep making excuses.¼/li>
      8. Shut up, Radzinsky!
      9. Even if a girl is on duty as a bounty hunter, she’s STILL gonna get some free booze out of it. Like, $120-a-glass booze. You go, girl.
      10. Sayid knows why he’s here now. To murder children.

        11. ...]]> /article/3945476 http://www.collegehumor.com/article/3945476/the-morning-after-lost-im-ben The Morning After Lost: I'm Ben Thu, 19 Mar 2009 18:40:38 -0400

        We’ve all made mistakes.

        I mean, Sawyer should have never wronged all of those people that he conned in his past. Juliet should never have joined the Dharma Initiative. Jack shouldn’t have become addicted to prescription drugs. Claire should have never considered giving up her baby. Hugo shouldn’t have eaten that last Oreo. Seriously. And Ben probably shouldn’t have murdered an entire community of people.

        Similarly, I shouldn’t have skipped Lost last night and tried to watch it on my computer this morning.

        Especially when my internet connection. Keeps. Stopping. And. Restarting.

        But, I seem to have it all figured out now. I have finally watched the episode, and all I can say in regard to my tardiness is this: I’m sorry. And also: It’s Nice To Meet You, Ben!

        Here’s what went down this week, in a 14J at the Flame:


        ...]]>