This will be on the test.Urinals are just God's way of telling us our khakis didn't have enough pee on them.-Willie OI locked up my bicycle and someone stole my front tire and my seat. I'm on the lookout for anyone riding a unicycle.-Shawn...
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78 Comments
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3 days ago
Literature's junk drawer.I was looking at the javelins for our track team. They have a warning label. It says, "Check surroundings for people before throwing." Shouldn't that be standard procedure for everything sharp?-Michael LodatoUncomfortable...
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167 Comments
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1 week ago
Stick it to Iran: Waste more time on the Internet.I can count cards. 52 everytime.-Shawn PearlmanA man walked into a BAR exam. He didnt study. Ouch.-The NTCAdolf HitlerThe original sour Kraut.-Patrick CasselsI'm certain Survivor is just a reality...
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74 Comments
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2 weeks ago
Turn on, tune in, drop out. In that order EXACTLY.Every movie made before 1990 should just be called a "premake."-Andrew B.They say that neanderthals went extinct because early humans hunted and ate them, which is just horrible. Now I'll never...
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81 Comments
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3 weeks ago
Fun out of the sun.Having fans keeps you cool.-Streeter SeidellI can't stop checking my symptoms on WebMD. I really need to stop obsessing over whether or not I have OCD.-Dan DersSigns technological acronyms have gone too farJCVD HDDVD-Ron...
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56 Comments
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1 month ago
Smoking kills. Especially when it's a smoking hotel full of people.I'm a recovering alcoholic in the sense that I like to drink to recover from my hangovers.-Jon RobbinsI went on a raw food diet. I'm only consuming nachos, hot dogs, beer, and...
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107 Comments
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1 month ago
Rated "R" for the hell of it.Foley artists use everyday objects to create movie sound effects. For example, to replicate screaming, they use a saw and a leg.-Shawn PearlmanI thought the movie Cliffhanger would have a more ambiguous ending.-Adam...
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70 Comments
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2 months ago
No money down. The more you owe us, the better.Isn't it funny that things that are the least scary, like puppies or little old ladies, are the scariest to see driving cars?-Kyle KallmanMy aunt is so allergic to dogs, her eyes start watering even...
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79 Comments
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2 months ago
Do not panic. The rashes are normal."Ithaca is Gorges." Ithaca is known for two things: bad puns, and high suicide rates. Coincidence?-Eric ClendeningArranged MarriageDo your parents like my parents? Check Yes or No.-Boo RadleyI love eating baby...
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70 Comments
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2 months ago
Now with 10% more funny!I feel like I am becoming to much of a yuppie nowadays, because every time I smoke pot I get the brunchies.-Jason SaenzYou're momma's so old...The odds are good you have Downs Syndrome.-Kacie PetersSwine FlewSeveral news...
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84 Comments
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2 months ago
Keys made while you wait. Though not necessarily yours.I thought of the only good Nicolas Cage movie the other day. It's a documentary in which Nicolas Cage is legally forbidden from making any more movies-Chris TruskBuddhist Suicide NoteBRB,...
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137 Comments
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2 months ago
An issue for every day of the year.(You don't count May through August, right?)"I'm drunk, you're Asian, let's f*ck," has never worked as a pick-up line for me. But I refuse to throw it away, at least until I get to try it out on an Asian.-Adam...
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110 Comments
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3 months ago
Go Tarheels. Not the team, the horrific rare animals.The only thing more satisfying than peeing in the pool is peeing into the pool.-Willie HuffEvery toilet is a bidet if you're desperate.-P. KraftShe thinks she's my girlfriend, but it's really...
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130 Comments
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3 months ago
The Yoohoo to actual reading's chocolate milk.The Newest "Lost" Mystery: What happened to Jack's balls?-Patrick CasselsI believe the bible is literally god's word and command, so I always skip celebrating Passover.-Ian PickusMy friend asked me if...
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125 Comments
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3 months ago
Open 24 hours, because our lease only lasts a day.UnfortunateIf you pay to see a fortune teller, odds are you have no future.-Emilia TessaroEnglish muffins? The English are clearly retarded.-Adam NewmanI'm the kind of person who laughs at their...
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98 Comments
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3 months ago
Days Since Last Accident: 0My psychic is a gifted blind man. He has a fifth sense.-Rick MorphewBikini contest? I'll be the judge of that!-Kirk MullenI'm a workaholic. My boss told me that if he catches me drinking on the job again, I'm fired.-Jay...
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136 Comments
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4 months ago
A lot of my friends take alcoholism very seriously, but it's more of a Christmas and Easter thing for me.-John O'ConnorI thought getting my dog drunk would be really funny, but he just throws up like everyone else.-Andrew RothIf funerals were like...
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89 Comments
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4 months ago
Reading can be fun. Oh wait, that's water slides.I don't know which fate is worse: No longer being able to wear those millennium New Years novelty glasses after 2010, or having eyes so deformed you can.-Patrick CasselsBlissIf ignorance is bliss,...
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137 Comments
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4 months ago
The totally [expletive] awesome unrated edition.World War Two could have been called World War Too.-Tim MacKenzieTongue TwisterHow much wood could a woodchuck chuck if someone gave a f*ck to measure.-Brian FosterIf somebody offers you a lifetime...
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307 Comments
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4 months ago
18 to party, 21 to party legally.I overheard a guy say that he was knee-deep in pussy. I was really impressed; I didn't even realize you could go in foot first.-Adam NewmanThe road to Amish country is paved with good intentions.-Steve H.People...
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150 Comments
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5 months ago 
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