My Second Grade Conception of College

Stretch Armstrong: Hello Steve, I'm your new roommate.Me: Wow...Stretch Armstrong: I hope you're ready for a year of no homework, no baths, and tons of fun!Me: (Nods head)Stretch Armstrong: Say, those are some pretty sweet glasses you got there....

Opening a Beer

Level 1: Bottle OpenerYou need to open that brew? I got you, dude. Just so happen to carry an opener on my key chain. See that big key right next to it? ’92 Honda Civic. Modded. Me and my boy Trevor riced it out to look like the new 3...

Campus Construction Bulletin

How To Take a Shower in a Dorm

7:00 A.M.: Alarm to wake up for 8:00 A.M. class7:05 A.M.: Hit snooze button again.7:10 A.M.: Hit snooze button again.7:30 A.M.: Roommate throws granola bar at your face because you’ve been sleeping through your alarm for twenty minutes.7:31...

4 Kids Games That Are Funner At College!

Hide And SeekHide and seek was never as fun as it sounded. The best hiders would just end up snickering by themselves in a cabinet long after the seekers got bored and started playing Nintendo. Ramp up the difficulty by limiting the game area to...

The Dormwich

Ingredients after the jump!split1. Start with a rice cracker. Didn't your mom buy these for you the day you moved in? Yes.2. American cheese. It’s not a legit dormwich without a little patriotism. Come on. Support the troops. Plastic removal...

What's Going to Happen to My Relationship?

Hey high school seniors! Well, its that time of year to start thinking about how much your life is going to change when you go off to college. I’m here to tell you how much your relationship will change if you and your girlfriend go to...

A Phone Call I'd Love To Receive

“OH MY GOD I am sooooo SOBER right now!!! I’ve had like 9 shots of NOTHING!! You gotta come down here, dude, it’s f*cking insane.  We just played a RIDICULOUS game of pictionary. There must be, like, NO KEGS HERE and already...

A Sober Look At Beerpong Sign-ups

A Realtor Shows a Fraternity House

Well here we are; the current Phi Omega Sigma house. As you know, they're being asked to vacate the house immediately. Right, following the three pledge deaths in March. But, the speedy eviction of these tennants means you'll pay much less than...

Notes From My Roadtrip

Me and my boys went on a sick Spring Break road trip down the coast last week. I decided to keep a log of all the awesome stuff that happened along the way. Oh, and sorry if it gets messy at the end, I start rambling when I drink.This is our...

Passed OUT!

!splitSpring Breakers, unite!  As you can see from the photo, we have already lost one of our own, and it's only the first day! Can we get a motha fucking moment of silence up in here? This chick has, as of this moment, been passed out for 8 hours...

Is Your Apartment Worth Cleaning? Science Weighs In.

Oh, algebra  That spited step-daughter of science.  Laughed at for her simplicity, and mocked by her more abstract and theoretically-complicated peers, like Trigonometry and Calculus, Miss. Algebra nevertheless is useful.  Especially to you,...

How To: Unsuccessfully Sneak Beer Into The Dorms

We have all snuck illegal beverages into our dorm rooms before, but only the elite few can actually get caught in the act. Here is how it happens.Step 1: Get DrunkThe easiest way to screw up even the most menial of tasks is to be wasted.  Make...

Dear Dorm Elevator, I just pissed all over you

Okay, I admit it's pretty funny when people are expecting you to reopen easily and you crush them with your mammoth door of death, but this time you've gone too far.Remember that time I was really late for an exam and you decided you wanted to...

Proposed Additions To Webster's College Dictionary

Procrasturbation - n  (Procrasturbate - v)1.  Masturbation to avoid work.Usage:  "I'm sorry, procrasturbation is not a valid excuse for turning in a project two days late."... See also:  MathturbationMess Entropy -...

A Party Soliloquy

Noble guests, students ye,patrons of universities,I pray you cease your revelryand hear my party soliloquy.Here I sit, cup in handbetwixt two dudeswho cannot stand.The extent of their inebriationsurely merits incarceration.Pong is playedcups are...

The Rec: A Social Pecking Order

You may think that once you get to college, rigid social structures and cliques are no longer applicable, and are an afterthought of high school.  But you are wrong.  Dead wrong.  There is one place on campus where a set structure...

The Nightmare Before College

Honey, are you OK? You were screaming. Me: Quick, where do I go to college and what kind of music does my roommate like? Mom: You work part-time at Best Buy and your father and I like smooth jazz. Why? Me: Oh thank God. Thank God so very much. I...