Guy: So, where are you from originally?Girl: Well I was born in Rhode Island, then I moved here in '98 when-Mom: Oh! '98! That takes me back. You know, the first time Greg's stepfather and I made love was after we went to see Shakespeare In Love....
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4 days ago 
Interior - The Spooky Old House Up the Block - Halloween Night The old witch Mrs. Wilkins talks to her evil cat familiar, Hugo.Mrs. Wilkins: Tonight's the night, Hugo. Tonight, when the moon is large and the spirits fly from their tombs, I shall...
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1 week ago 
Link: Huzzah! I've conquered innumerable foes, overcome impossible odds, trekked far and wide, come to the brink of death, defeated the unstoppable Ganon, and saved the fair princess!Zelda: Yes, and for years to come, people will speak of the...
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3 weeks ago 
Koopa Troopa, Goomba, Shy Guy and Bob-omb sit in a pub. Troopa: How much longer they got you walking between those two pipes?Goomba: Two more weeks on the job, then I'm retired. I can't wait to see my kids again.King Koopa enters.King Koopa:...
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1 month ago 
Follow these tips ladies and you'll definitely get your man, at least until the hangover wears off. Laugh at all his jokes Ha ha great Dane Cook impression!Keep drinking. Especially, YOU (girls that weigh 90 lbs.) Sure, I'll have another...
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1 month ago 
Anakin: All I'm saying is that if we were allowed to marry women, Yoda would stop making awkward passes at us.Obi-Wan: Can't argue with you there.Anakin: And another thing-Obi-Wan: Whoa, whoa. Is that a new saber in your holster?Anakin: ...What?...
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1 month ago
David: Taunt dude! You're supposed to be the tank!Zach: Just back up, you're drawing agro.David: I can't, I'm-Cheryl: *opening the door* David...?David: Oh sh*t!Cheryl: Discarded pizza rolls, empty Mountain Dew bottles...What's going on here?...
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2 months ago 
A pirate ship lies trapped inside a giant cave off the coast of Astoria, Oregon.One-Eyed Willie and his first mate Derek sit at a table covered with treasure. They're surrounded by several dead pirates.Willie: So how be the booby trap situation?...
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2 months ago
Jack: We're down by 5, but that doesn't mean we're out of this. Kate: Jack...you're taking this a little too seriously. Why don't you let me bat for you?Jack: You're not batting for me, Kate. I dropped that pop fly in the 3rd, I can fix this....
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2 months ago
Straw: Come on babe, give it up. Capri Sun: I don't think I'm ready...Straw: You never let me in. If you loved me, you'd want me to be the first.Capri Sun: I do, I do!Straw: Then let me break the seal.Capri Sun: I can't! I guess it's just the way...
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3 months ago
Truman: Was nothing real?Director: You were real.Truman: Did you guys have cameras everywhere? Director: Yes. Truman: Even by my computer in the basement? Director: Everywhere.Truman: So everyone...everyone's seen me masturbate?Director: Those...
KEEP READING 400 likes /
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3 months ago
Doctor: Sweet, bro. Your throat and ears are chill. You wanna go ahead and hop off the table, or some sh*t?Patient: Uhh...sure.Doctor: Tits. Alright, now I'm gonna need you to drop your pants. No homo.Patient: *Removes pants*Doctor: Just a quick...
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4 months ago 
I spent the summer studying abroad in Italy, and upon my return I hoped to skip two levels of Italian class. The following is a transcript from the Italian oral placement exam that I took this September. The conversation was conducted in Italian...
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4 months ago 
Red: Green,we have to talk. I think I'm...strawberried.Green: But, I don't understand. You're chocolate.R: I know I'm chocolate, I've just been having all these feelings. These...sweet, fruity feelings. G: It's just a promotion, Red. It's...
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4 months ago
*Stretch Armstrong is being held captive in the lair of the evil Skeletor. His limbs are tied to toy cars.*Skeletor: Tell me the location of the GI Joe secret headquarters!Stretch Armstrong: *spits in Skeletor's face*Skeletor: You want to make...
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5 months ago 
Officer Michaels: Ok son, do you know why I pulled you over?Trent: Uh, no, sir.Officer Michaels: Well, I clocked you going 55 miles per hour in a 25 zone. You're looking at a pretty steep speeding ticket.Trent: I'm sorry officer, it's just...
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5 months ago 
Host: Welcome back to Public Access Channel 11's continuing pre-show coverage of The 14th annual Townies, here at American Legion Post 343. I'm Beth Gerzowski, and you know, this is shaping up to be one of the most competitive Townies we've ever...
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5 months ago 
*A warlock dressed in heavy battle armor cautiously enters a tavern*Chris Hansen: Why hello there?Warlock: Uhh, hello. Umm, I, uh...Chris Hansen: Sir, why don't you take a seat, I have a few questions for you.Warlock: Sorry, yes, of course......
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5 months ago 
Lucius Fox: Let's start with you, Marks. What's the outlook for Wayne Biotech?Marks: Mr. Fox, we're bleeding money.Dixon: Same with Wayne Import/Export. Shipping is way down, what with the huge cuts in consumer spending.Lee: And Wayne Steel, Mr....
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5 months ago 
Laptop: Hi...hey, would you mind if I...LANoftheLost: Password? Laptop: Um..."L.A.N.o.f.t.h.e.L.o.s.t"? LANoftheLost: Are you serious? How stupid do you think I am?Laptop: It was worth a shot.LANoftheLost: Beat it, creep.Laptop: How...
KEEP READING 524 likes /
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5 months ago 
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