Jesus: Lazy Sunday

Jesus: Hey Dad. Can we talk?God: Yeah, what's up kid?Jesus: So I was talking to some of my buddies a couple days ago and I told them that you were my dad and they all laughed at me. I was wondering if there was something you could do.God: Oh......

How to Get Dumped: Football Season Style

(Guy and Girl are having lunch. Guy says something about the Steelers through a mouthful of cheese fries.)Girl: So the Steelers are, like, your favorite team?Guy: Yeah.Girl: Why?Guy: I’m from Pittsburgh.Girl: So. . .?Guy: The Pittsburgh...

How to Defend Air Bud, Golden Receiver

I've talked a great deal about Air Bud's strengths, but realize that he is a player who makes many rookie mistakes. He's exceedingly undisciplined and if you can get a good deal of crowd noise he's liable to commit false start penalties. Also, you...

White Supremacist Disappointed with Fantasy Football Season

Desperate times called for desperate measures. I traded Peyton Manning for Tiki Barber -- the whitest running back in the NFL. Then, I figured Michael Turner had a normal white man's name so I gave him a shot. Also, LenDale White seemed like a...

Super-Secret Superbowl Information

Look, I can't say who gave them to me but I got my hands on the brainstorming notes from a bunch of different Superbowl advertisers.  I don't know if any of these ideas actually got made into commercials for the game next week, but at least...

John Madden and Al Michaels Commentate While You Lose Your Virginity

Madden: Well what we have here is obviously a mismatch. On one side we have this young kid whose experience doesn’t extend past trying to hit bathroom ceiling tiles while his opponent has been dominating the game for years. He is going to...

The Life and Times of Brett Favre

Brett: After I lead a pious life, full of selfless acts and unconditional charity, this is the treatment I get? You're willing to just let me vanish into the ether, become a mere memory? Trust me, I've got time left on this planet, there's nothing...

Chad Pennington Updates his Facebook Status