CollegeHumor: God Blog Stuff This Month http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1748313 God Blog XI Thu, 17 Jan 2008 11:48:33 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1748313 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Sorry I haven't been blogging as much lately, I was busy with some stuff in the Qth dimension (no one would understand, literally). Mondays are My loooong days at work so I thought I would take a break and update you guys about you know, whatever.

I look like one of the three people on this box with a beard.
I took out My NES and went back to beat the original Contra the other day. I had to summon the Wind itself to blow on the cartridge and get it working, but then we just played 2-player. We had to use the 30 lives code because neither of us ever got used to the whole "limited mortality" thing. That game is hard! I'm omniscient and omnipotent (yes, there's a difference), so I don't know how you people deal with those waterfall levels where you have to go up instead of right. How come they haven't invented a real spread gun yet? That would be hella sweet.

Every day this writers' strike goes on I am reminded yet again of how unworthy humans are of My infinite love. I honestly get where the writers are coming from and I support them, I just want new episodes of House MD! I love House. That guy just says what he wants and doesn't care what people think!

There Will Be Blood = soo so good. Nobody would go with Me, but I had read a lot of good things so I just went by Myself. New commandment: no checking your text messages during movies, for it's really annoying, and the Lord will not acquit anyone who blah blah blah you know the rest. File this one between "honor the Sabbath" and the one about your parents.

Let's see what else is going on... oh, elections! Despite what a lot of people are saying, I haven't really decided who I'm going to endorse yet. It almost doesn't matter. Eight years is not long enough to get the hang of ruling. I've been doing it since the beginning of time, and some days I feel like I still don't know what I'm doing (soooo soo sorry about the 19th century, Ireland). Really, you should let this Bush guy just keep going. I think he's starting to get the hang of it. J/K obviously I should not be involved in politics.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113091"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.20bf437b546a2db8f3508d7958256071.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-01-17 11:48:33 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113091">God</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:141"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 48 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1735082 God Blog X - The Almighty In Love Thu, 28 Jun 2007 15:22:42 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1735082 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> You guys, I am soooo sorry for the heat wave. It wasn't suposed to happen like that at all. It was supposed to get gradually hotter but I was so distracted that I set the sun to full blast and didn't remember to put the timer on it. I totes did not mean to do that and I'm sorry. The thing is I've been kind of distracted lately.

[upload:1822321:small:left:Yikes! SSYG (So Sorry You Guys)]OK, Ok, I'll admit it, I have a crush on someone. Her name is Christine and the moment I created her I knew I had to have her so last week I made her get hit by a taxi. I felt kind of guilty, ya know, because she was only 25 and had her whole life ahead of her and all that, but I really, really liked her. Like, like-liked her.

It was hella-awk when she got up here too. First I tried my favorite pick-up line, "Did it hurt when you were hit by a taxi and rose up to heaven?" She didn't seem amused. She was all "it happened so fast, I miss my family..." and like I felt so bad that I almost called her whole family back up to Heaven just to make her happy. After she was all, "I hope they live long, happy lives," I had to un-throw a bolt of lightening at the plane they were on.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113091"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.20bf437b546a2db8f3508d7958256071.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-06-28 15:22:42 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113091">God</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:141"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 52 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1733914 I Hate Sequels Thu, 14 Jun 2007 17:17:36 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1733914 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Does anyone know what the deal with Evan Almighty is? Is it like a sequel or what?

[upload:1507533:small:left:Why have you forsaken Me?] I'll admit, I was pretty excited when Bruce Almighty came out five years ago. It's pretty weird seeing people make a movie about You, ya know? The whole thing was just so surreal. I didn't even mind when they glossed over some crucial parts of My life, like the cosmic egg in which I created Myself (complicated, I know). I only got to meet Jim Carrey once, but he's just as funny in person as he is in the movies or in the shower. Totally a dude's dude. He made this one face that made Me laugh so hard, it made this one kind of squid extinct.

You know why Jim Carrey is getting into heaven? He doesn't do sequels. He wasn't in Son of the Mask, wasn't in Dumb and Dumberer, and now he's not doing this. You don't see Me creating humans II with three arms or something.

But then there's Evan Almighty. I hadn't even heard about it until I saw the trailer before Pirates of the Caribbean 3 and I was all, "Medamn it?" Nobody even told Me about this one. Not that I need money, but I want to make sure everything in there's reasonably accurate. My lawyer is looking into this, and he's good. He's the personification of justice, and he's Jewish.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113091"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.20bf437b546a2db8f3508d7958256071.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-06-14 17:17:36 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113091">God</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:141"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 33 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1730368 Everyone, Please Ignore Paris Hilton Thu, 10 May 2007 12:28:48 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1730368 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
For anyone who is fortunate enough NOT to know, Paris Hilton is going to jail. I don't spy on mortals all day or anything, but it's impossible to avoid hearing about it. It's on the front page of every newspaper while news like, “Pope Stresses Church's Stance on Abortion” is buried on page who-gives-a-sh*t (sorry about these asterisks, if I curse it kills 10,000 people).

And yes, I'm omniscient so I'm aware that when I blog about not blogging about Paris Hilton, I am myself blogging about Paris Hilton. Listen, I haven't been this serious since I made a pact with Noah - after this, I will NOT blog about Paris Hilton anymore.

It's just like, why is Paris Hilton famous? When I read about Lindsay I go, “Whatever, at least she's going to win an Oscar for being Mrs. Robinson in 2044's The Graduate remake. Everyone will know it's stupid, but it's still an Oscar so whatever.” Paris Hilton never has done and never will do anything worthwhile. Not following the terms of a drunk driving probation is going to be the second most interesting thing she ever does. In 2032, she kills herself with pills.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113091"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.20bf437b546a2db8f3508d7958256071.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-05-10 12:28:48 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113091">God</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:141"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 49 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1728544 God Blog VII Tue, 24 Apr 2007 16:03:11 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1728544 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Current Mood: Merciful
Watching: My creation unfold before Me

Ugh, I'm so behind on My floods. I was supposed to flood Tennessee last week and I totally flaked on it! But it's not like I can just up and flood it today because that would make all the weathermen be like "whaaaaa?" I like letting them think that "science" is in control. ROFLocalypse.

[upload:1257070:small:left:The only true mystery left in the universe.]Oh, speaking of WTF?s, I was watching old episodes of the Smurfs and I was getting totes confused because I thought Gargamel wanted to eat the Smurfs. But then in some episodes he wants to make gold out of them. I guess it's both? If I wasn't so busy I would bring him to life and ask him.

Sometimes I'll go a whole day without brushing My teeth and not even realize it. I know you probably think that's gross, but it happens. I wake up at the crack of Ǿ and have the worst taste in my mouth. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but it's like a mix of eggs and temptation. Anyway, I like to have a tall glass of nectar just to get the taste out but then it's 'make the sun rise,' 'do the morning tides,' blah blah blah and I forget to brush. I have to be better about that, last time I got a cavity it eventually developed into the concept of greed. My teeth are made from the souls of the saints, so it was pretty gross.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113091"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.20bf437b546a2db8f3508d7958256071.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-04-24 16:03:11 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113091">God</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:141"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 62 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1726698 God Blog VI Tue, 10 Apr 2007 16:38:04 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1726698 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Been feeling kinda hollow lately. I was in The Infinite Pasture when, against all odds, I run into Mary. We kind of had this thing a while ago. In the words of Facebook, "it's complicated." Sorta awk at first, but after a while it felt like old times. She said we should talk again soon, but I didn't have to read her mind to know she didn't mean it. Why I can't meet a girl like her anymore? Not to toot my own horn, but I'm transcendent and handsome ;-).

It really makes you think. I just read this story about a guy who met his fiancee when he dreamed a phone number and sent a text message. I know I've messed with you mortals before, but I, not kidding, 150%, had nothing to do with this. It's soooooo weird. I exist outside the space-time continuum, and this is the kind of thing that just blows my Me-damned mind.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113091"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.20bf437b546a2db8f3508d7958256071.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-04-10 16:38:04 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113091">God</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:141"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 50 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1724847 God Blog V Wed, 28 Mar 2007 23:31:04 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1724847 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Current Mood: Vengeful
Watching: Eyes Wide Shut (WTF Is going on!!!)

Ugh, guys I'm so sorry I haven't been blogging a lot lately. I've been crazy busy this week (some stuff with an ecclesiastic counsel… don’t ask). I’m also really behind on my natural disaster quota this month and it’s already the 28th, but I’ll take a little break to talk about what’s been on my omnipotent mind.

[upload:1066109:small:left:P.I.T.A.]Speaking of work, I feel really lucky to have a job that I love. I mean, yeah, there are some days I just want to say "F*ck it," and be a water nymph or cherub but overall I love what I do. I could do without having to make the sun rise every day and I hate – I HATE – tides (do you guys even need those anymore? If not, they’re gone). But for every crappy part of My job there are a million perks. For instance, I know everything. It’s great watching you guys try to figure out things like “how did the universe come into being from nothing” (It’s so simple!) Plus, I've seen every famous person on the toilet. Billy Joel takes MONSTER dumps and when he’s having trouble he hums Uptown Girl, it’s so weird. I didn’t build him like that...or did I? ;)
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113091"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.20bf437b546a2db8f3508d7958256071.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-28 23:31:04 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113091">God</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:141"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 75 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1722109 God Blog IV Tue, 06 Mar 2007 14:02:53 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1722109 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> I didn't know what to blog about today, so I stole this quiz from Uriel's blog.

A is for Age: I'm ageless, but if you're getting picky I'm technically Ж years old.

B is for Best Friend: Mankind. The people, not the wrestler.

C is for Career: I'm pretty content overseeing all of creation, but I think what I'd really like to do is make short films. I've been working on this script for a while. It's kinda like Clerks, except it takes place on the edge of infinity.

D is for Drink of Choice: I'm mostly sober these days. Last time I drank it was bourbon, and I don't remember exactly what happened but when I woke up my knee was scraped, my head was killing me, and 150,000 people in Indonesia had died. LOL :p

E is for Essential Item: My magic wand. From raising the sun to making the Virgin Mary appear, I literally can't do anything without it.

F is for Favorite Song at the Moment: "God Only Knows," by The Beach Boys.

G is for Favorite Game: OMG I am totally addicted to The Sims. I love playing Me with no consequences.

H is for Hometown: I hate to answer this one, there's really no explanation that mortal minds could comprehend. Let's say Chicago and just move on.

I is for Indulgence: Whenever I'm feeling a little bit less than omnipotent, nothing cheers me up like famine. I don't know why, it just does. If you asked me 10 years ago I would have said Good N' Fruitys, but I can't seem to find them anymore. Do you guys remember Good N' Fruity? Those were so much better than Good N' Plenty.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113091"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.20bf437b546a2db8f3508d7958256071.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-03-06 14:02:53 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113091">God</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:141"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 94 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1720993 God Blog III Mon, 26 Feb 2007 16:08:19 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1720993 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Current Mood: Bored
Listening To: You masturbating, crying

UGH, I'm SO sick of winter. Don’t get me wrong, I love shutting down elementary schools and increasing road fatalities by a third. Honestly, I do. But then it's like everyone starts to bitch about it. Do you think I like having winter? It’s terrible. My army of class-C Seraphims has to work overtime making snow, and they don’t have enough time to put together a new musical every night. It’s f*cking awful. Anyway...what else...

Oh man, the BEST thing happened yesterday at the Fountain of Dreams and Desire. I hadn’t been there in a while so I was like, "What the hell, might as well answer wishes today" right? So I go down and I see Gabriel there with Thomas, Peter, John, you know - all those guys. I go over to say hi And somehow we get to talking about movies and Edward the Confessor is like, "I really liked 'A Beautiful Mind.'" And everyone agrees except Gabriel. He's like, "Eh, I don't really like Russell Crowe, that's all." So I start asking him other reasons he didn't like it. I'm all, "Well, were there any parts in it you liked?" and he goes, "I dunno, not really." So I go, "What was the worst part?" and again he's like, "I dunno." Then he tries to change the subject and is all, "How come God (me) takes childrens' lives?" but he wasn't getting off that easy. Eventually, I got him to admit he never saw the movie and was lying. What a dick.

Doesn't it suck when you're really excited for something and then it turns out to be kind of lame. Like, I was really happy with the way Native Americans turned out when I designed them. The Aborigines, not so much. Don't get me wrong, I love them as much as I love every race (infinitely - you wouldn't comprehend) but those Aborigines were just a bit of a disappointment. That reminds me, people always think I either love something or hate something. That's not true. Some things I'm just 'eh' on. For example, Mountain Dew.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113091"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.20bf437b546a2db8f3508d7958256071.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-02-26 16:08:19 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113091">God</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:141"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 88 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1716208 God Blog II Wed, 24 Jan 2007 11:10:44 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1716208 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Ughhhhh, have you ever woken up late and been like "Sh*t, I was supposed to answer prayers this morning!" but then you can't get out of your cloud bed? happened to me today...AGAIN! It's not that I'm lazy, I just can't get up when my alarm goes off! I know I should get up but I just snooze and snooze and snooze. When I'm in bed, I'll come up with these crazy justifications that make sense at the time. "Oh I'm eternal; I can just answer prayers later." Then later when I don’t even get to get to the prayers of innocent children, I feel like I'm failing at being a deity.  Of course, I'm the ONLY deity, so it's not like I have to compare myself to anyone else.  I guess I just set the bar high for myself and then feel like an ass if I don’t live up to my own expectations.  Wow, I'm rambling, sorry.  LOL! (Loving Our Lord)

Answering prayers is my favorite part of the day. It’s what keeps me sane when I know that later I have to make the sun rise or write the next episode of 24 or whatever else I have to do that day. I hate making the sun rise. I’m so bad at it. Yesterday I did it way too late but I don’t think anyone noticed- except Gabriel of course. He texted me at 5 AM – “thank 'You' my phone has a back light, it’s so dark on Earth right now.” Such a douche. I should have said, “Hey Gabriel, how come it’s taking you so long to take care of destroying Darfur? Maybe I need a new angel of death...” but I didn’t. I really regret creating him sometimes. I can say stuff like that here, because Gabriel keeps making a point like every day to tell me he doesn’t read my blog.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113091"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.20bf437b546a2db8f3508d7958256071.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-01-24 11:10:44 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113091">God</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:141"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 56 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1714728 God Blog Tue, 16 Jan 2007 22:09:17 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1714728 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Current Mood: All Powerful
Listening To: Your Prayers

Do you guys ever wake up and you're just like, "Ugh, this sh*t again..."  That's how I felt today.  For starters, my Tivo didn't record the Golden Globes the other night even though I totally told it to.  I had to watch the best parts on YouTube which was OK except that my Internet was going super slow.  It's like, WTF Time Warner?  I created you, how about a little respect?

Now normally I take a huge dump in the morning.  I like to sort of save it up all day and night and then let it all go right when I wake up.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113091"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.20bf437b546a2db8f3508d7958256071.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2007-01-16 22:09:17 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113091">God</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:141"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 113 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1748724 God Blog: Revelation XII Fri, 25 Jan 2008 14:01:37 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1748724 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
What the hell was I thinking?
Anyway, I was going through My old ethereal scrolls the other day (feeling nostalgic for the cretaceous period, I guess) and I came across the funniest note I had written. It just said, "Heat ice?" I guess I was going to will some sort of ice-caused-by-heat thing into existence and then forgot about it? So stupid, but can you imagine how much all these "scientists" would be scratching their heads?! I should do that just to make them crazy. Or I could just make them crazy.

OK, if I were to get rid of one emotion for you guys, which would you choose? I feel like I gave you one too many, so pick on and whichever gets the most I'll get rid of.*

*Just so you know, it'll take a few hundred million years to cleanse the hive-soul's palate of whichever emotion we're ditching, but whatevs.

I took a few minutes to check out some of the prayers coming in and like five people right in a row wanted money for vinyl siding. It was insane, I called Azrimeth over and he couldn't believe it. A Fiver only happens once, maybe twice, every few millenia. Best part? Gabriel was in the bathroom when it happened and he missed it! EPIC WIN!

You know what I never figured out? Nothing.

Me be with you,

God

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113091"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.20bf437b546a2db8f3508d7958256071.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113091">God</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:141"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 44 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1749095 God Blog: Revelation XIII Fri, 01 Feb 2008 16:17:14 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1749095 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> a few months ago? The one I had killed so that she could come live with me in a more perfect harmony while armies of angels attended to her every whim? Bi-otch was Ka-ray-zay with a capital Kooky! Oh My Me, this girl was one of those 'I'm cold' girls, ya know? She was just always like, "Brrrr, I'm freezing." "Ugh, why is it so cold up here?" "I'm so cold, I miss my husband, blah blah blah." For real, i couldn't take it anymore so I sent her to Hell to burn for all eternity. JAKES! I sent her to Oakland, CA as a newborn baby, which is almost as bad.

And it was good.
Have you guys tried all these different kinds of Orbit gum? They're Baller! My flavorite is Lemon-Lime (obvi) but I'm pretty into a MojitoMint as well. I'm also really, really into Kettle Chips right now. It's like, "Salt and Pepper potato chips...of course!" If I did endorsement deals I would totes give one to Kettle Chips but last time I got involved in human stuff you guys nailed me to a cross. And you wonder why I burn down your houses sometimes...
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113091"><img src="http://8.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/b/9/collegehumor.20bf437b546a2db8f3508d7958256071.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:113091">God</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:141"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 55 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />