Lies I Told on My First "Biggest Party Night of the Year."

“Yeah, making lots of new friends. The girls in my hall are really nice!” 1“So good to see you again!”“We should keep in touch!”“Yeah, let's keep in touch!”“Yeah, there were some huge parties...

Things You Shouldn’t Say in Front of Your Girlfriend at Your High School Friend’s Wedding

“Ughhh, weddings. Not for me.”“Hey man, congrats! What? My turn?! Ha! No man, not me. Neeever gonna happen”“Baby, what’s the point of slow dancing? It’s just, like, swaying in front of people. Laaame.&...

Post Halloween Party E-mail Drafts

American Apparel Models at the Bar

Guy: So, you go to the beach today?American Apparel Model: Oh, no I wear this swimsuit everywhere. To work, to the bank, to bed…Guy: So is the camel toe uncomfortable?American Apparel Model: Yeah, it’s awful! But doesn’t it make...

A Letter I’m Sending Back in Time to Myself The Night Before Halloween of 2005

Hey, what’s up? Wait, let me guess. It’s Sunday night so you’re probably in sweats, eating a medium pizza with banana peppers and pineapple and watching a crappy movie on TBS. If I remember correctly it’s The Wedding...

Dorm Room Moments with the Freshman Virgin Who Just Doesn’t Get It

MINDY: Oh my god! Awkwaaard. Sorry.ROOMMATE: (with half naked guy on futon) Hi.MINDY: You left your sock on the door. Want me to throw it your dirty laundry basket?___________________________________________________ROOMMATE: So what time do you...

The Guy In Denial About His Girlfriend Being An Annoying B%$ch C*^T

THE GUY IN DENIAL ABOUT HIS GIRLFRIEND BEING AN ANNOYING B%$ch C*^T: Lisa’s awesome!THE GUY IN DENIAL ABOUT HIS GIRLFRIEND BEING AN ANNOYING B%$ch C*^T’s FRIEND: Yeah. So dude, let me know when you dump her. TGIDAHGBAABC: What? I’...

Imagined Conversations & Actual Conversations

ImaginedME: Jeff?GUY I KIND OF DATED MANY YEARS AGO: Hey Mindy!ME: How are you? Long time no see.GIKODMYA: I know! I’m good. You still doing the comedy thing?ME: Yeah, you still doing the investment banking thing?GIKODMYA: Yup. (he orders...

A High Holy Days Chat

Hey G-d,What's up? I'm sure you know who this is, but just in case there happens to be more than one Jewish girl with a New York accent talking to you around the Jewish Holidays, this is Shoshana Lowenschwartz. Shoshana Alana Lowenschwartz. Not...

E-mail Reunion

from Jenjen98@gmail.com to Chrisrocks@hotmail.com date Sep 3, 2007 4:54 PM subject Hey!Hey Chris,So nice seeing you at the HS Reunion. Go Bobcats! It’s always nice running into you whenever I’m back in town. Except for when you...

How to Get Dumped: Football Season Style

(Guy and Girl are having lunch. Guy says something about the Steelers through a mouthful of cheese fries.)Girl: So the Steelers are, like, your favorite team?Guy: Yeah.Girl: Why?Guy: I’m from Pittsburgh.Girl: So. . .?Guy: The Pittsburgh...

Why I Kept My Legs Together in Middle School/High School/Some of College

(Nine-year-old Mindy is watching Dirty Dancing on VHS with her Mom)MINDY: Why was Penny crying in the kitchen?MOM: Because boys make girls sad.MINDY: Oh.* * *MINDY: What's "knocked up?"MOM: Something boys who aren't husbands do to girls who make...

GeekSquad Assessments or Nerdy Sexual Innuendos?

“Don’t lose the screws, you can’t put it back in without the screws.”“Your hard drive might need reformatting.”“Do you have virus protection?”“…and moisture or penetration in the system...

Things I screamed while trying to kill the mice living in my apartment that I have also said to guys I've dated

Don’t even think about going in my bedroom, you dirty little bitch.Come on, come out and eat it. Lick the peanut butter. Lick it.You’re creeping me out.Die, assh*le. Die!You can run, but you can’t hide.I’m through cleaning...

Voicemails from the Freshman Virgin Who Just Doesn't Get It

Hi Ben, it’s Mindy. What’s up? It was nice meeting you at the Beta party. The beach theme was fun. So cool you guys had sand in the house. I bet it was a pain to clean up. So thanks for walking me back to my dorm room. Sorry I kicked...

A Letter I'm Writing to Myself from My Boyfriend

Dear Mindy,What's up?Hey remember when you used to shave your armpits in the winter and wore make-up, and combed your hair? LOL. Good times.Hey, remember when you used to shave you legs and get bikini waxes frequently? LOL. That was really fun for...

I Googled White Dragon

It wasn't a good idea mentioning Donkey Punch in my last column. Yes, I read the comment section from last week's article, and although I'm grateful that I was only able to define about three or four of the sexual acts mentioned, I was still...

Dear Mindy

Suggestion Mindy- I like your updates. They're fine. It's funier when you answer letters thoough or I liked your old dear mindy ones. You should do more of those. You should write about anal. My girlfriend won't, but I'm hoping she will. What can...

Are You Sopranos Series Finale Sex?

It's over. The Sopranos is over. The last episode left millions of people confused. Confused, and then angry at their cable providers. Angry at their cable providers, and then angry at David Chase (upon seeing the credits and realizing there was...

Bear Pride, My Relatives & Some Answers

The Millennium Knickerbocker Hotel in Chicago was the place to be Memorial Day weekend. It was the home of Bear Pride 2007 (nothing to do with football) and I was there to celebrate. Okay I wasn't there to celebrate Bear Pride. I was there for my...