I haven't been this scared of a little girl since Hannah Montana turned out to be Miley Cyrus.
/
60
/
1 week ago 
She must be hoping someone with an even more unfortunate illness doesn't come along and break her record.
/
53
/
1 week ago 
/
128
/
1 week ago 
The best part about torturing your kid is that, once they grow up, they never speak to you again.
/
199
/
1 week ago 
"Martha, take my truck, go to Wal-Mart. We're going to need a lot of soap."
/
56
/
1 week ago 
He said he's going to try it with less and less snow until he breaks his arm. That way, he'll know what the maximum amount of snow is that he can jump onto from a 4-story window and still break his arm.
/
52
/
2 weeks ago 
It's affordable right up until you lose the case.
/
28
/
2 weeks ago 
That Governor was totally stealing that kid's thunder
/
22
/
2 weeks ago 
/
46
/
3 weeks ago 
Maybe it's time to start borrowing drills from the St. Louis Rams instead of actual rams.
/
90
/
4 weeks ago 
/
109
/
1 month ago 
/
69
/
1 month ago 
He'll have to dance for 18 more hours if he wants burn off that butter.
/
105
/
1 month ago 
"You can be the only advocate of justice in an otherwise corrupt society later, Max. Right now you gotta go to school."
/
42
/
1 month ago 
"I'm so proud of my son–wait, is he the one that got hit? Nevermind."
/
41
/
2 months ago 
Vacuuming the house was punishment for his last meltdown, when he freaked out about how no one was taking his freakouts seriously anymore.
/
135
/
2 months ago 
/
59
/
2 months ago 
"Don't be angry with each other. Be angry with yourselves for being fans of the same feral, gutless and overall wretched sports organization."
/
42
/
2 months ago 
/
24
/
2 months ago 
/
98
/
2 months ago 
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