A Field Guide to Summer Jobs

House Painting: It's a pity job. You're pitied more than an armless kid in an Easter egg hunt. No one hires college painters and doesn't expect do redo all the trimmings the following day. Only mothers who have kids in college will ever hire you,...

Television's Top Jacks

Ever notice how so many badass/awesome characters on television are named Jack? Well, there are. Maybe it's because marketing executives like to be able to use the phrase "You don't know Jack!" or maybe it's just because Jack Nicholson made the...

An Indie Kid Tries To Recover His Stolen Possessions

A Guide to Crowd Surfers

The PushoverIt is more than obvious that this guy is being held up against his will. His constant struggling, squirming, and yelling of the phrases "Put me down!" and "You guys are assholes!" signify that he is not enjoying his surfing experience;...

My 10 Favorite Ways to Fall

10. Not realizing that last night you slept on the top bunk.9. Slipping on ice. Then standing slowly and regaining balance. Then slipping again.8. Anything involving the yelling of "SURPRISE!"7. Leaning against what you think is a steady, solid...

Typical People on the Train

Public transport. Many use it. Few people like to use it. Even fewer people would make love to the idea of taking the train. What is the main reason everyone hates it so much? Is it because it takes forever for it to get anywhere? Is it due to...

Forgotten Faces of the Indiana Jones Trilogy

The fourth installment of the Indiana Jones adventures may be first and foremost on fans' minds lately, but that hardly means we should turn away from the unsung heroes, little-known villains, and forgotten faces from the original Jones trilogy.7...

Compliments from your Boyfriend the Serial Killer

"Your kisses burn my flesh like the tears of angel.""When I become you, I will not be able to do your beauty justice.""One of the voices in my head has the same cute laugh as you.""Shhh, dear. I don't think you need to lose weight. Plus this way...

Common Moves of the Bass Player

Bass players are the most underappreciated members of any rock band. Next to their more theatrical bandmates, the bass player is often mistaken for boring or stiff. This couldn't be further from the truth. Bass players have many exciting moves...

Flu Season

It's flu season and we, like a lot of other people, struggle to stay healthy. If not for ourselves, then for our family and the homeless people who count on us at the shelter. Over the years we have picked up a few simple things that help ensure...

Opening a Beer

Level 1: Bottle OpenerYou need to open that brew? I got you, dude. Just so happen to carry an opener on my key chain. See that big key right next to it? ’92 Honda Civic. Modded. Me and my boy Trevor riced it out to look like the new 3...

What I Have Learned From my Colombian Roommate

He does not have a sweet recipe for tacos, salsa, or any stereotypical Spanish dish He does not personally know Juan Valdez. Juan Valdez is not a real person. Columbia and Mexico are not the same place. Columbia and Cuba are...

Hierarchy of Cracking Joints

Level 0: "Eeeeeww!""Eeeeew! Stopitstopitstopit! Ugh, you know, I heard cracking your knuckles like that is eventually going to give you that disease... arthrighteous or boneitis or whatever. I read it in Cosmo or something. Ugh, just stop it,...

Rejected Smurfs

The Belgian cartoonist Peyo created The Smurfs in 1958 as side characters in another comic book. In 1959, The Smurfs got their own comic book and that meant Peyo had to create a whole village of Smurfs. His sketchbook reveals that there were some...

Things You Don’t Want To Hear Your Doctor Say

It's sort of a boy.Let's just hope when you die it dies with youI don't think anything is wrong, you can go… Whoa! I don't think shaking hands is necessary right now.Now when you look in the mirror at your new nose keep in mind yesterday was St....

People say...

People say I’m indecisive, but I’m not sure what I’m gonna do about it People say I'm a skeptic, but I don't believe them People say that I’m apathetic, but I don’t care. People say I'm...

What You're Saying With Your Writing Implement

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The Way I Typically Imagine How Encounters with the Cute Waitress at My Local TGI Friday's Will Go

Appetizer Order blooming onion with French dip. Make hilarious comment to cute waitress about your anticipated bad breath. Smirk sheepishly as cute waitress giggles at the self-deprecating humor of her new customer.Drinks Order 5 Bud...

Things That Ruled When I was Five That Still Rule Now

As we grow from kids into adults, we start to lose interest in a lot of the things we treasured as a child. But there are some things that are timeless – things that will always be awesome, no matter how old we get. The following is a list...