"This is what happens when you dive in racquetball."

Does that thing predict the future and tell rebels how to restore the oxygen on Mars or something?

I fell down the stairs, I swear!

"It hurts when I jog."

Don't you LOVE kittens?

Ahhh!

Do NOT mess with a kanagroo

"I saw the picture of the guy's toe. This isn't natural, it's a result of one drunken night with some buddies. The finger is not bent, that'ss what it looks like straight."

"When you dress like Richard Simmons you're gonna get hit in the head with a Poinsettia. Simple as that."

Perhaps the most extreme shocker yet.

Let this be a warning to you kids that think shooting a bottle rocket out of your ass is "cool" and "hip"

Don't try to save time by ironing your shirt while it's still on. It's not worth it.

"My roommate and I were cooking supper when we heard a loud crash like a baseball hit our window. We went to investigate and found this on our living room window. Stupid pigeon!"

"On the Friday night before Halloween I slammed my finger in my dorm door, and cut the tip of my finger off, then with it off went and let somebody in. Docs at the hosptial said it cant be reattatched, but whatever, its all good." (gross)

Wow. Gotta hurt.

"My drunk cousin thought it would be funny to smash a beer bottle over his head...I laughed."

Shit does happen when you party naked at JMU….don't jump over fires

C'mon... this is fucking hilarious.

"College is the "key" to success! First night out I managed to jump off my bed and get a key stuck in my foot."

"What is a good night of drinking without a little bare ass paddling?"