Because I Watch The View Sometimes

Because I watch "The View" sometimesAnd "Sex in the City" That doesn’t mean you jerks can doubtMy sexuality.             I wear a scarf, paint my toenailsBut so do lots of guysLike Dave Navarro, the dude with         The dark and piercing...

The Cafeteria

O Casserole, Casserole! What food art thou, Casserole? Your description reads, “Sunday Surprise” ‘Tis but thy name that is my enemy; Thou art thyself though, a true surprise?What’s a surprise? It is nor meat, nor grain,Nor...

Ode on some Natty Ice

Thou cold unopened tin of pure splendor,   Thou frosty gray tower of the Cheap Buzz,You are the source of our endless benders   And memories of last night rimmed with fuzz. Frat house historian, whose dents and bruises   Proclaim the ebb and flow...

A Poetry Slam Enthusiast Explains Beer Pong

Cups numbered ten on opposing sides,Beer flowing like the swelling tides.Not too much, it is early yet, hold it, hold it:Pong, pong, pong.A majestic pyramid laid horizontal, balls soaring,Gravity paints a furious arc as spheres slice through air,...

Poetry Double-Header

Today's Poetry Corner features not one, but two poems from our readers -- a haiku for our Japanese friends, and a sonnet for our 400-year-old English friends. Enjoy!THE ART OF HAIKUby Dan VerdelA haiku storyIt is hard to make things fitSometimes,...

The Wingman's Ballad

 I thought tonight I'd meet a ladyI thought I'd bring her homeI thought we'd spend the night togetherbut instead I sleep aloneMy buddy Steve had seen her firstI had no plans to interfereThey hit it off and left togetherand left me with my...

Dr. Seuss As A Pledge

I cannot drink this Jaeger bomb,I cannot drink one, Kegmeister Tom.I cannot take one with a chaser,I'd rather have a Mind Eraser.I cannot take one with some cattle,I'd rather my ass meet with the paddle.If I had one it'd make me holler,And likely...

Beer Goggles: A Sonnet

After a horrid mix of beer and wine And too much time spent in a darkened barFrom the dense crowd emerged a woman fineAs cute as any, at least from afar. “She’s a nine, at least; nay, she’s even more!”My friends urged me on...

The On-Campus Larpers: A Poem

The dragon's fire burned as the warriors foughtfresh from the feast of the lunch that they had bought"These broadswords are steel, they're real," they thoughtthough battle with dragons is a glory hard wroughtFrom the dining hall come...

An Extremely Dramatic Poem About Something Unimportant

Vestigial organs, alas!Your worthlessness saddens me.O, male nipples!You dispense no milk,Provide no sweet respite for aWeeping, thirsty babe.No, you exist but to be transformed         Via purple assault&...

Notes From My Roommate, William Carlos Williams

The Massacre: A Poem

50 Cent bit his lip as he hoisted his swordPreparing for the advancing, awful hordeComprised of vicious beasts, orcs and trollsOgres, dragons, rats, and even gnollsNo fear in his eyes, just gangsta beatsMithril armor around gangsta feetsThe 36...

My Unfortunate Erection

My turn's fast approaching, my speech it grows nearBut my heart is filled with apprehension and fear.Though I am not unready, I did enough to prepareI just didn’t plan on having a boner to share.The teacher looks my way and calls me to speak,...

Ode to My Vibrator

Oh, eleven inch piece of plastic,So shiny and bright.You're all that's in bed with me,At the end of most nights.You're always there,I'm never in need.You never pressure or force me,Into doing the deed.You don't expect much,Sputtering and chugging...

If I Was, I Would: A Hypothetical Poem

If I was gay, I would have sex with Hugh Jackman.If I was a woman, I would have sex with Hugh Jackman.If I was magic, I would turn myself into Patrick Stewart, so I can star opposite    Hugh Jackman in the X-men movies.If I was Wayne Gretzky, I...

A Plural Platypus Problem

We, members of the platypus species, haveMade an observationIt is just a small matter which concernsThe whole platypus populationFor the English language has created a conundrumOn forms of many or oneWe don't know to which source to turnWhat ever,...

Haikunnilingus

She wants to get offBut you drank too much, retard.Time to go diving.You've done this beforeIt's not that difficult, right?Don't gag, you drunk assWell, here goes nothing.Kiss your way down her stomach...Tease her for a sec.Remember health class?...

"I Know": A Poem

I know a girl who loves me more than I doI know a world of girls that I've lied to who have tried to.I know I'm not the man I'd aspired to become.I know my parts don't equal my sum.I know what they total.I know that it's more than a mole hill.I...

Weird Guy

The music is blaring, the bass shakes my feetThe kids all get down to the block-rockin’ beatA seat at the bar I will take all aloneI act like I’m waiting, keep checking my phoneI sip my Bacardi and check out the sceneCute girls in...