We know it's hard to believe that the man who beat the shit out of Shawn Michaels at Nassau Coliseum last year couldn't dominate any medium he chose, but somehow Chris Jericho's metal band Fozzy was unable to pin the Billboard charts into submission. Fozzy suffered from a revolving door of guitarists and drummers who would drop out, presumably unhappy backing up a singer who couldn't even beat Rey Mysterio, Jr., in a no disqualification match (psh!). If Jericho ran to music to escape the violence of professional wrestling, he should have chosen a genre other than death metal: at a 2006 concert, Fozzy's set was cut short after their opener threw a bottle at a teenage girl in the audience. Luckily, the concert's referee was momentarily distracted.


John Cena, "You Can't See Me"

Professional wrestlers need a gimmick. Shawn Michaels was vain. The Undertaker was an undead warrior who drew mystical power from an urn. Stone Cold was a wife-beating alcoholic. John Cena, arguably the most popular wrestler in the WWE today, intimidates his opponents with freestyle rap. It's a natural fit -- becoming a champion in pro-wrestling isn't about who has the best piledriver, it's about declaring yourself the best and challenging the sexuality of your opponents. After Cena recorded his own theme song, a rap about rap called "Basic Thuganmoics," the WWE decided there would be no more pussyfooting around and it was time to produce an entire album. The Doctor of Thuganmoics named his first record after his outright lie of a slogan, "You Can't See Me." It debuted at #15 on the Billboard Chart and remains the most commercially successful album by a pro-wrestler. Whether this real-world accomplishment is more impressive than his seven world championships and two tag-team championships, we'll let you decide.

Premature ejaculation can be a real bummer, brother. Lettin' your Hulkamaniacs run wild during foreplay is a quick way to ruin a good pair of spandex. I'd suggest getting your little Hulkster in a chokehold 15-20 minutes before the main event. That way you can hold off on your finisher until you're ready to have your arm raised.

Hulk, my boyfriend has trouble getting it up. What can we do?
Christine Wilson, New Jersey

Sounds like your man needs to HULK-UP! It's probably just the nerves getting to him, and Hulk Hogan knows about nerves, brother. Reminds The Hulkster of the time he went up against Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania III. He was nervous, brother. Believe me. But did nerves stop The Hulkster from lifting the 460 pound giant over his head and body slamming him into oblivion? You better believe it didn't, dude.

....The Hulkster was also jacked up on roids, which leads him to believe that nothing is impossible with the help of drugs. For your situation, I'd suggest Cialis, brother.