Parachute Pants

5. Parachute Pants

Named as such because it's very likely people will want to throw you out of a plane.

Guys Wearing Uggs

4. Guys Wearing Uggs

Yeah, buddy, we all saw I Love You Man and, yes, it was hilarious when Jason Segel wears those Uggs, but this is the real world. You're not dating Michelle Williams, you didn't write the Muppets. But just in case, hi, Jason Segel! I like the films you're in!

Gauged Ears

3. Gauged Ears

If you like your various appendages "see through", then gauged ears are the look for you. If you're a rational, normal person, with an IQ that qualifies you to ride the bus unsupervised, there's literally no excuse.


2. Crocs

Popular with lame dads and lame-dads-who-think-they're-cool-dads-parodying-lame-dads alike, Crocs are the beach footwear to beat. With a bat or axe or anything destructive you might have to hand. Just please, get it done.


1. JNCOs

By a wide, wide, denim, ugly margin, JNCOs are the worst fashion offence of all time. When I think of JNCOs, I can't help but hope for some kind of disastrous, apocalyptic event to occur and wipe out all known human history. Partly because any species that developed these monstrosities doesn't deserve to be top of the pile, and partly because I can just imagine future archaeologists, millions of years from now, finding a fossilized pair of these bad boys and wondering what the hell could have possibly happened for these things to be a good idea. They'll never know, and neither will we.