Wyatt Earp

5. Wyatt Earp

Moustache or no moustache, no man will ever like as hard as Wyatt Earp lived, and that's just after I read the first paragraph of his wikipedia page. His notable professions in his lifetime have included bouncer, saloon-keeper (sidenote: it's wonderful to have confirmed that these even existed in the first place), and boxing referee. It also notes "He was never a cowboy or drover" because we needn't embellish the already perfect. I was lying at the beginning, by the way. Moustache.

Freddie Mercury

4. Freddie Mercury

Arguably the greatest singer of all-time (excluding Adam Levine), Freddie Mercury became a rock and roll icon, like, five times over: he lived hard, took drugs, and died young, and if all that weren't enough, he had the 4th best 'tache the world has ever seen.

Friedrich Nietzsche

3. Friedrich Nietzsche

Nietzsche is credited with forming some of the most important and most challenging philosophies of modern times. Though over 100 years old, his works stand to this day some of the truest, most erudite materials ever written to dissect humanity and the way we live our lives. Which makes it all the more impressive that we're only really interested in what was going on in the moustache department. There's no topping that.

Ron Swanson Parks and Recreation

2. Ron Swanson (Parks and Recreation)

Proof that Ron Paul and his whole libertarian schtick might have gone a little further had he gathered the good sense to grow a fantastic moustache at some point, Ron Swanson is the embodiment of what makes a man. It might have been hard to tell whether Swanson's flawless character is doing the heavy lifting when it comes to judging facial hair, were it not for a google image search for "Nick Offerman Shaved". It's just creepy.

Salvador Dali

1. Salvador Dali

Just look at it. Thousands have tried (and failed (spectacularly failed (like, wow.))) since Dali to emulate his signature look, but it wasn't just about the moustache's physicality, it was about the man. The gentle curves upward, converging at two, presumably razor-sharp points. The small but significant gap resting directly atop his mouth. Every inch of it feels engineered to impress. And impress it does. Salvador Dali has the best moustache of all time. A masterpiece in surrealism which can only possibly be described as lemon tree gramophone sand sand sand buffalo belt buckle.