A Subscription to a Daily Newspaper

5. A Subscription to a Daily Newspaper

If the inconvenience of smiling at and hugging the person who gave you this for Christmas seems bad enough, you're going to be receiving half a pound of paper every goddamn morning for the rest of your life. It's just not fair.

Homemade Coupons

4. Homemade Coupons

Only acceptable if the coupon reads: "Good for one expensive, thoughtful gift from me wrapped nicely and not how dads do it. Also I'm a piece of shit who considers my time and effort better than any product manufactured or service created in the history of all human discovery and invention. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I want to die. I'm sorry."

Homemade Wreath

3. Homemade Wreath

I feel like I've already detailed the problems with gifting a christmas decoration/something homemade enough already, so let's go ahead and use our collective common sense to gather that combining the two is an even worse idea, as if that were possible.

Swag from the Gift-Givers Place of Employment

2. Swag from the Gift-Givers Place of Employment

If I had a nickel for every time I didn't have a stapler or a pen lying around, I'd have enough money to buy those things myself like everybody should and does. Don't do it.

Trial Membership

1. Trial Membership

The bad gifts that have preceded the summit of this countdown have been uniquely awful and terrible ideas, but have been at least united by one common virtue: they're actual things. The same can't be said for Trial Memberships, the worst Christmas gift anyone could ever give. They're part things. As much a gift as telling someone a pretty neat place to hang out on Sundays. To those people who recycle something that dropped through the letterbox as a present in a blind Christmas Eve panic: you're a terrible person, and are banned from Christmas henceforth. Everyone else: stick to money. Money's awesome.