15. Anything with Velcro
Velcro stopped being a cool feature of your life about the same time your prowess with a plastic lightsaber did. It is now reserved for only the most helpless babies or the most IDGAF octogenarians, both of whom are cool enough to rock it.
14. Those Sunglass Neck Strap Things
Sure, they're practical enough, but do you really want to be wearing something when its biggest statement is "look everybody! I'm a big stupid baby who can't trust himself enough to not drop these off-brand glasses in the toilet at any given moment! Sure is nice out!"
The word "Jorts" in itself should be indication enough of how good an idea wearing them is. Sounds like a big fat grey alien the Power Rangers had to fight at some point.
I honestly can't fathom the thought processes that ever lead anyone to wearing a visor. Their head was too hot for a regular hat I guess? So they wanted to directly expose that part to the sun?
That this happened more than once in history is one of the most infuriating and upsetting mysteries humanity will ever take to a collective, unavoidably deserved grave.
11. Sport Sandals
For people who want to relax at the beach, but also think they might find themselves in a position where they have to enter a 100m dash at any moment, I suppose? You guys know they make separate, more useful shoes for this stuff, right? Never in the history of the world has the sport sandal been useful for anything other than finding a lost kid's stepdad at the beach.
The history of the fedora has been cruelly warped over the last 20 years or so. What used to be a sophisticated accessory no self-respecting 1930s bank robber would leave the house without has now become a hideous trend, favoured by only the most "WOO BODY SHOOOOOTS" of male beach-goers.
Sandals or sneakers. Shorts or pants. Pick one, guys. It's called a fucking decision.
8. Unnecessary Scarves
Here's a handy question to ask yourself if you're ever in two minds about buying a kicky summer scarf: are you the millionaire actor sex icon Johnny Depp? If you answered no, put it down, leave the store, and go apologise to everyone in the world for what you nearly did, you poor, misguided moron.
7. Man Purses
Pretty sure Chris Brown uses one of these, guys. Boom, problem solved. Let's not use these things anymore.
6. Cut Offs
See: Jorts, then multiply by how many Arrested Development jokes you're likely to hear if you wear these monstrosities.
5. Tall Socks with Shorts
Here we see Russel Brand representing his beloved London soccer team West Ham United the way he represents everything: wearing clothes no right-minded person would ever attempt to try. Guys, this is RUSSEL BRAND, and even he can't own this. It's literally hopeless.
4. Deep V Necks
Deep V Necks show a man's comfortable with his body, and also in situations where everyone's laughing at him. More power to 'em, I suppose. Wait, not power. Embarrassment. I meant embarrassment.
3. Boots with Shorts
Probably not a good idea to go with a look popularized by homeless British orphans over a century ago, huh?
2. Socks and Sandals
Judging by how many people do it completely wrong, I have to assume picking out footwear for the beach is one of the most difficult things men have ever attempted. This is sad. I believe in us, fellas, some day we'll beat this thing once and for all.
1. Big Shorts That Go To The Mid Calf Area
An oddly specific thing to be the number one worst thing a guy can wear in the summer, but, Jesus Christ, just look at this. What happens to a man that this becomes a viable, appropriate piece of clothing? To wear? TO MANUFACTURE? Who are the villains making these things, preying on only the most tasteless and stupid of humankind? You should all be ashamed of yourselves, and only marginally less so than anyone who ever wore these things.