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You might remember Rubeus Hagrid from about 3 seconds ago when you read the heading and were like “His first name isn’t Hagrid? What the hell?” Which just goes to show how much mystery still surrounds everyone’s favourite gamekeeper, mysteries like how is he not in prison given that his main contribution to the series was facilitating Harry, Ron, and Hermione’s whims to place themselves in extreme peril at pretty much every opportunity? Also, what the hell is a “gamekeeper” anyway?
Speaking of people who should in no way be allowed near children, here’s this guy, who was carted into the impenetrable magical fortress of Hogwarts no questions asked, despite the fact he’s VERY OBVIOUSLY a werewolf. For a school full of the most powerful, all-knowing wizards in history, they sure let the guy who turned up absent every full moon slip by some tough questions while they were trying to track down a werewolf. If that weren’t enough of a clue, his first and last names mean “Guy who was famously raised by wolves” and “wolf” respectively. That’s what you get for not teaching any real subjects, dummies.
Remember those Harry Potter books? This is the guy! Harry’s no doubt a fan favorite due to the qualities he demonstrates throughout the story, like his courage, his nobility, and his selflessness. Or maybe you guys all just feel sorry for him, since his life objectively never stopped sucking, moving from “abused orphan” to “reluctant hero whose friends just won’t stop fucking dying” to “guy who married his first girlfriend” as fast as humanly possible.
She’s a tough-but-fair Scottish superwitch who cares about her students as much as she cares about picking the absolute PERFECT moment to pop up out of nowhere because surprise! She was a cat the whole time. What’s not to love?
Luna Lovegood taught a generation that it’s OK to be weird as hell, as long as deep down you’re pure of heart. She also taught us that the Hogwarts Ghost Carriages are actually pulled by skeletal demon horses who only appear to children who have witnessed death firsthand. So there’s that. She also taught us she’s weird as hell. I know I already said that but after the whole demon horse thing I feel like it needed repeating.
Fred and George are, truthfully, assholes. They don’t take their education seriously, to the point that they do their best to disrupt the education of everyone around them. They’re irresponsible, sarcastic, and have girlfriends. They’re those guys you used to hate in high school, who do anything they want and you just know everything’s going to work out for them anyway. Still, despite all that, they’re smart, funny, loyal guys who like to spend most of their time bullying Ron Weasley. And in the end, isn’t that what it’s all about?
There’s a really cool moment in one of the films where Dumbledore’s about to be arrested, but instead a phoenix flies over to him and he grabs it and then straight-up disappears in a burst of flames and it’s awesome. I have no larger point to make that ties into that part, I just wanted to talk about it. He did some other stuff, too, and the fact any of it is even HALF as cool as the phoenix rescue thing is kind of ridiculous, considering he’s also like 200 years old.
Harry’s fugitive Godfather got a raw deal out of life; he was unfairly imprisoned in Azkaban for years before getting out, saved the day like ten times over the next few years, and still had everyone be like “whatever” when it came to clearing his name. Yep, after giving his final days to The Order Of The Phoenix and valiantly dying in battle, his lasting legacy was having one of Harry’s weiner kids named after him.
Sirius Black’s tragic life pales in comparison to Snape’s, who by all accounts had every right to be the complete asshole we all thought he was until the very last moment, where he got to at last experience two seconds of heroic glory before dying, like, instantly. Here’s a quick highlight reel of Snape’s life:
• Falls in love with woman who in turn marries the guy who mercilessly bullied him for years.
• Love of his life dies at the hands of Voldemort.
• Has to be like “oh yeah, great guy” every time someone asks him about Voldemort.
• Haunted daily by memories of his true love/tormentor in the form of Harry Potter, who everyone thinks is soooo special and cool.
• Is an unmarried school teacher who dresses like he just got thrown through a window into a Hot Topic.
• Murders his best friend because of his life’s devotion to the protection of the innocent and the defeat of Voldemort.
• Comes second in a “best character” poll.
It’s kind of fitting that the best character in the Harry Potter universe isn’t an kind of flashy hero, but a smart, driven, pretty weird girl. Hermione’s muggle-born, meaning everything she knows about being a witch (and it’s a lot) is something she had to learn and adjust to by herself. She’s proof that belief and hard work is all it takes to thrive anywhere, an insanely strong character whose independence and confidence are responsible for so much of her success and for those around her.
Or maybe y’all just think Emma Watsons’s hot. I choose to believe it’s the first thing, though.