Roommate Confessions

You've done some bad stuff to your roommate. It's time to confess.

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The story of the fat Dominican:

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One summer semester I moved on-campus to live in the dorms, (low rent and no hassle of rounding up summer roommates). Two of the roommates were cool; the 3rd was the laziest person I've ever met. He literally didn't get out of his tighty whities 6 out of 7 days of the week. Physical description: 5'9", 285lb, balding and extremely hairy. He had no reservations about answering the door, lounging about our dorm, or going into the floor's commons area in said tighty whities. Any female who awkwardly came into his presence, would also get hit on (by a bald, fat, hairy-man in his underwear). If someone wants to be a complete slob and live out of their underwear, I'd care less than most people, however, this mofo LOVED to eat my food. After losing a few hundred dollars of food to the slob's gob, I brought it up with the RA. The RA was a little weenie about it, and said he "didn't want to be confrontational." I saw the RA again a bit angrier, and I told him his free rent comes from solving shit like this, so deal with it. We had to set-up a group meeting with ALL of the roommates (to be non-confrontational). We ALL knew the culprit, but mr. blob denied everything when directly asked (twice). Then thinking himself quite the genius, he pulled out a story about how our doors are usually open, and one time he saw a strange man in our kitchen, going through our fridge, eating food. Yep, a strange man comes to our apartment on a daily basis, leaves everything else alone, eats all my food. My food wasn't stolen for the next few days, so I figured if the problem was solved, I'd let it slide. I left the dorm a few days, only to find that my food had taken a serious hit in my absence. I'd already tried to solve things through the proper avenues; it was time to go guerilla. I spiked everything I possibly could in the fridge with laxatives. I'm not sure how long it took him to catch on, but I'm sure it rocked his pants. He never stopped eating my food, so the fridge remained a minefield the rest of the semester and I scored several more hits -- didn't stop him, oh well. I also began spiking certain things with castor oil, haha. My other roommate would also "spunk" his toothbrush and soap. He attended school on the DR's dime, cheated to get where he did, and failed out a class short of graduation. The DR revoked his visa to get him deported. At the end of the semester, he told me that I need to help him find a girl to marry so he can become a citizen and stay in the states. He wasn't able to woo any women (in his underwear and all) so he was eventually deported after trying to overstay his visa, haha.

March 1, 2012

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